New feeling - is this love?

[jamiedavis1991]

I'll try and keep this short.

I am a musician with a working band in London. The female singer is great and we always get on. She is VERY attractive but for some reason, I'm almost completely bypassing my male emotions for sex.

I just want to hold her and touch her, protect her and comfort her. I have no real desire to engage in sexual relation but just being friends isn't enough either.

I'm 20 but never had a girlfriend. I've never had a problem with not having a girlfriend - I'd pretty much discarded the idea of me ever being with anyone and was quite prepared to live my life alone.

Although (for want of a much better phrase) I "wouldn't say no", the first thing that comes to mind when I think of her is not sex. In fact, it's a desire pretty low down the list. It's just not a thought that enters my mind about her. I just want to be around her and be there for her.

This feeling has grown stronger over time. At first it was almost non-existent. I fancied her at first (the whole band did) but that went away quite soon and we all got on with things.

Recently, she moved close to me and these feelings just got stronger. Now she's all I think about.

Never having been in love before, I wouldn't know how it feels. I enjoy being around her and relish even a slight touch (although there are the odd things that get annoying!). Her family are great too. Is this love? Because it's horrible.

We've known each other for about 3 and a half years. This feeling started about 6 months ago and got stronger since she moved nearby about a month ago. I've always thought the world of her but like I say, the 'fancying' stage was over quite quick. This emotion is new to me...

I'm not her type. She likes a bad boy and I'm boring and old fashioned in most ways. I'm unattractive and quite frankly, I'm a bit of a pain in the ****. On top of that, she could have anyone she wants. She gets alot of male attention but she rarely does anything with it. As far as I know, she had one serious boyfriend and it only lasted a few months. She is single at present.

And so, my question:

If it is love, what do I do? What if it isn't?

I could never say anything to her along these lines - it could destroy our friendship and make circuit work quite difficult together.

We don't know every little thing about each other either - we're not especially close friends but we are good friends. We don't tell each other everything.

Thanks in advance,

Jam

[HeartIsAching]

Sounds to me as if one of two things is going on:

1. You're in love with her, and have put her on a pedestal

or

2. You love her, but in the manner of very close friends.

I'm leaning towards friend-zone.

[Wakeup]

You're not in love with her you're crushing on her. Is she crushing on you back and giving you signals that she'd like you to take things past the crush stage and actually get to something past what friends do and more like what two people who are into each other in a more than platonic way do? If she's not then I suggest you try to advance the dynamic or, quit fawning because you'll never know what being in love is if you stay in this limbo you're currently in.

Be brave and ask her to do something with you and then go in for one thing at a time (like holding hands to start or putting your arm around her shoulder) to see if she's receptive to such things. if she is then great. If she isn't then you can quit acting like a puppy dog around her and concentrate on finding someone to love that feels the same way back. You're in a band.. work the confidence on this girl, that you need to possess to be on stage.

[jamiedavis1991]

Wakeup, thanks for this post.

You advice is good but it does beg the question - what DOES love feel like if this is not it?

[Wakeup]

If one's feelings of love are not being reciprocated you're in a state called "Limerence" Please google "limerence" (Wiki has a good read on it). Limerence is currently being considered by the Psychiatric Society as being a type of psychosis.. whether they all agree or not remains to be seen.

Love does not have angst, uncertantity, fear, Love is a verb, it's a action word and if there is no actions of love with the "feeling" then it is just a crush. Love feels safe.

Don't worry so much about what love feels like and go out there and be with a woman in the romantic/sexual sense where your feelings are reciprocated in kind. Then once you've actually done that and found someone ~ you'll know first hand what it feels like.

[jamiedavis1991]

Thanks :-)

[devonbrown]

You two are close. You work together. You see each other all the time. And being that you are in a band together, you share common interests and experiences. That could lead to a loving relationship. But it could also lead to a close friendship, sort of a sibling-esque bond. Think of it this way, if you worked in an office and she had the cubicle next to you, wouldn't people tell you not to dump where you eat? (I think I mixed a few metaphors there, sorry.)

At this point, I would say just consider it good friendship. If you develop sexual feelings for her down the line, then maybe you would want to act on it by asking her out. But she probably sees you as a brother or something right now.

Plus, how often do relationships within a band work out anyway? Think of the band, man! Priorities!

Good luck.