Not feeling the love, baby involved :s

[tramoenoe]

Hi there, this could be a long story but I feel very confused right now and need some help.

I have this girl I have been crazy about since I was 17, the problem was she lived in Finland and I live in the Netherlands so it was long distance, everytime i went to see my friends in Finland I went out with her a couple of times and just felt hugely attracted to her and had a great time, we even went to London together but I never dared to tell her how I felt about her.

Then in January 2010 (I am 22 years old at this time), I went to Finland again after comming back from a study abroad in Texas for 6 months, I felt a little depressed from leaving all those friends and that great time behind me, but it was nice to be with her and my friends in Finland again as well. We went out to a bar and drank quite much, one thing led to another and I ended up sleeping in her place, I have never felt so happy and one week after that I asked her to be in a relationship with me and all was well. Then I heard about the problems she had in the past and was still working through, but she was in a clinic and on the recovery track. Naturally hearing these problems made me very upset as I never had to deal with anything significant in my life, but I decided I loved her and wanted to stick with her and be there for here, even though it was a long distance relationship.

Things seemed to be going well untill in March of 2010 after being together for 2 months she got pregnant, even though doctors had told her that she most likely could not get babies anymore, we were both very shocked but decided we wanted to keep the baby, turned out her pregnancy was a hard one as she threw up every day for the full 9 months, had to quit anti-depressants and sigarettes cold turkey, and her hormones made her just incredibly difficult to be around with. She even broke up with me 3 times during the pregnancy and every time we were not together I felt horrible and just wanted to be with her, I remained calm as I knew it was just her pregnancy hormones making her this way, then when we were together again I started to doubt do I really love this girl? I kept telling myself I did and pushed the feeling away, the little baby girl was born and we have had many great times together, but those negative thoughts kept crawling up to me, now with the baby 2 months old they got so bad that I couldn't keep the feelings inside me anymore and told her that I felt that I didn't love her anymore.

This ofcourse made her heartbroken, she cried 24 hours and some more, was angry to me and sad at other moments, we had a good talk and she says it is normal to feel the way I feel (this is my first relationship), and that it is normal to not feel the love all the time but that these are just hardships we will get through, she is now more then ever the same person I fell in love with in January but I feel so depressed, every time I think of me and her I start having negative thoughts and doubts, yet when I decide I don't want to be with her I start feeling the other way, she told me this was because I am depressed and that I can't think rationally, I still feel attracted to her on a physical level, but I feel like I can't meet her feellings the same way.

She says this could be because of the long-distance we are not together alot only about 1-2 weeks of being together and then 5 weeks being seperated, and the depression I am having right now. Somewhere during the hardships of the pregnancy I started feeling more depressed and negative, and now when she asks me do I want to be together with her I can't say yes with my full heart, yet I don't feel I can say no either. She says we should just try to live together here in the Netherlands and see what comes of it, we have to try if not for us then at least for the baby, and my friends also tell me that if I don't try living together with her I am going to regret it later down the road, my mind is telling me the same thing but I just don't feel anything right now, I am afraid that things won't get better when we live together and I will just cause more pain, on the other hand I sometimes have brief moments of thinking about the future together with her and I see that we could be perfectly happy, I mean she is amazingly beautifull on of the most attractive woman i've ever met, she is funny and we always had a good time, I just feel horribly depressed because I don't feel the love for her the way I used to and feel like I am lying to her. I'm so confused I can't seem to choose one way or the other. Part of me likes the life of being single, but then thinking about that I realize I will regret it later down the road and that this is just a hard time we have to get through, and if it doesn't work it will only be some lost months.

I greatly appreciate any help, I wish I could just make a decision and stick with it, but no matter which way I feel like deciding I am starting to get negative thinking and doubts. I really want to love her and be with her, I just don't feel it right now and feel horribly depressed because of the doubts and negative thoughts, or could it be I have doubts and negative thoughts because of my depression I don't know. I am taking anti-depressants now and seeing a psychiatrist, she is visiting me Today for a 2.5 week time.

[Sarcasticshoe]

This is so very complex. Analyzing it, on a very distant level... I feel like maybe you didn't truly know her. A child really does change everything, as does getting married. Someone you thought you knew before, can all of a sudden be a different person. She had to go through so much with the pregnancy; being pregnant, quitting antidepressants, ciggies.... all that would change any person. (side note; i got pregnant and lost the baby; its changed me forever.... all i do is think about babies and the one I lost) ...
so please have some sympathy for what she went through.
on the other hand, you have a long distance relationship and you both are young (relationship wise) as I remember you writing this is your first real relationship... its easy to get in too deep and then realize that maybe you and her are incompatible. You truly would be doing your child, her and even yourself a disservice if you stayed with her "just for the baby's sake"
Your doing the right thing by communicating with her that things may have changed, you dont want to blindside her, but please remember to be gentle and thoughtful with your words and always listen to how she is feeling... its a very delicate subject.
good luck with whatever you decide!

[hello1]

You are young, you got her pregnant very soon into your relationship. She was an nightmare to be with when she was pregnant and pushed you away. Now you lost your feelings but TOUGH LUCK you have an baby now. Live with her and try make it work, you made a baby with her

[tramoenoe]

I feel that it's wrong to keep dragging her along, part of me greatly cares for her, but another part says we will never be happy together. I think moving together in this situation would be a horrible mistake as I don't want to end up doing something this big without being sure it's the right thing, I care for her alot and wouldn't ever want to hurt her, but that is exactly what I am doing right now and for that I feel horrible. I hope I can get my head straight in the future and that there is still hope for us, but for now I feel it wouldn't be right to keep dragging her along. She really is an amazing woman but even though I care for her greatly I don't feel the love, I have been obsessed about her for a long time and feel that it changed into a negative obsession over time which is what led me to my depression, I still can't stop thinking about her but I feel it's best to let her go and get my head straight, I still hope that when I do, we could perhaps still have a healthy relationship in the future.

[hello1]

I feel that it's wrong to keep dragging her along, part of me greatly cares for her, but another part says we will never be happy together. I think moving together in this situation would be a horrible mistake as I don't want to end up doing something this big without being sure it's the right thing, I care for her alot and wouldn't ever want to hurt her, but that is exactly what I am doing right now and for that I feel horrible. I hope I can get my head straight in the future and that there is still hope for us, but for now I feel it wouldn't be right to keep dragging her along. She really is an amazing woman but even though I care for her greatly I don't feel the love, I have been obsessed about her for a long time and feel that it changed into a negative obsession over time which is what led me to my depression, I still can't stop thinking about her but I feel it's best to let her go and get my head straight, I still hope that when I do, we could perhaps still have a healthy relationship in the future.

I feel sorry for the baby

[twinrexes]

Yeah, REALLY sorry for the baby. The two of you made a decision together to keep it.

Look, going through pregnancy and then dealing with an infant is huge and can turn things upside down for any couple. It didn't happen for me and my husband until we'd been living together for 10 years and it STILL turned things upside down. With you guys, you weren't even over your "relationship honeymoon" when the bomb got dropped. You could have decided it was too soon to become parents. But that's not the choice you made.

I suggest you stick it our and keep going to the therapist. So what if you're not "feeling it" for her anymore. What really happened is the infatuation ended. That giddy, adrenaline-driven rush that comes with a new relationship fizzled out. The thrill of the chase is gone. Happens to every couple when things settle down and one or both of you comes back down to earth. In this case, you guys came in for a crash landing. It would be a shock for anyone.

So, just because you're not "feeling it" you interpret that as "falling out of love". So let's say you go out and find a shiny new lady and you're obsessed with this new gal. Will that feeling last forever? Nope. Everyone has a certain amount of "crap" you have to deal with and that part of relationships is NOT exciting, intoxicating, or sexy. The strength of a relationship lies in your ability to work through this stuff.

[Boisdevie]

Good luck. Funny, I thought we had pretty good contraception these days. Just shows there are idiots everywhere.