Anxiety! The Choice between Two Guys!

[curiousgurl29]

Okay, so this is a continuation of various posts I have made before, but as many of you know, many problems can't be solved with a snap of a finger. So, any more advice would be very much appreciated!!

Here's the backstory: I was with a Colombian boyfriend Juan for 2 1/2 years in Colombia and felt like he was an amazing person except our sex was not very good. My boyfriend was also unable to get a visa (he tried two times). I really missed my family, and I felt unsure about us, so I came back to the states about six months ago. Anyway, I got a job right away here in the states and met a very handsome and nice guy, Mike. But I still have feelings for my ex! I have found myself checking his facebook page and we exchanged lots of facebook messages and have talked via skype several times. My ex even asked me to come back to Colombia and marry him. !

With Mike, we started having sex (great sex) almost immediately. I really like Mike. We can talk about anything! I even previously talked to him about the fact that I had feelings for my ex, and he was very understanding. HE had a long-term girlfriend who he broke up with about a year ago, and he said it takes a long time to heal. We have had a lot of fun together- hikes, long walks, gone to parties, sports games, etc. But I had this ongoing sense of sadness that would be triggered when anything would remind me of Juan .

So, to compound this indecision about Mike and Juan, I have felt very stressed about my job lately. Last week, I felt panicky about everything: especially Mike and Juan. Mike sends me sweet texts throughout the day and always wants to make plans. We were going to go to a wine festival together on Saturday, but I felt just an overwhelming sense of anxiety. Work on Friday was terrible. I sent Mike a text message saying that I was sorry I couldn't go to the festival and to read his email. In the email, I told him that I really like him and am very attracted to him, but I still feel so confused about everything (including with the feelings for my ex) . I also told him that I still think I'm adjusting to my job and being back in the states (I had lived out of the country for over three years).I said that I just needed to be single for a while to figure out everything. A few minutes later , he told me in a text:" Thank you for always being honest sweetie. Read your email." ... I was impressed that he is so caring even after my email! BUT no email has arrived from him. Albeit, he had previously told me that it takes him a long time to compose an email (and he had sent me the text two days ago).

So, after my email to Mike, I do not have the sense of closure I thought I would have. I DO feel I have improved since Friday (thank goodness) because I relaxed, listened to music, worked out, spent the day with my mom, but I am still feeling just not like myself. I still am feeling worried and my mind is constantly racing. I realize I miss talking to Mike! I didn't realize how much I looked forward to his sweet texts! My mom has suggested I visit Juan in August (I have some vacation days) to just see how I feel. I think that would be good... But here's the unfortunate thing, I think he is a wonderful person, but I can't get rid of the idea of the bad sex! And that makes me think even more about Mike and the good sex! I am going through some self-resentment because I want to get past that! I keep thinking, I could go to Colombia and just have sex for two weeks straight and try new things, etc! LOL!

I also want to add that my two little sisters will both be married in a couple months. (One is already married). I am 29 years old and REALLY want kids! I feel like my biological clock is ticking and this only adds to my stress!! Also, I have a new job and am still getting used to being back in the U.S after being away.

Okay, so the advice I'm asking is: should I visit Juan? Should I pursue Mike? Or should I just be single for a while? Or other ideas? Also, ideas in how to deal with the anxiety? (Am I asking too many questions?

[Wakeup]

I hope that you don't expect Mike to sit around and wait for you while you figure yourself out.. you don't do you?

If Mike is the great guy you say he is along with the wonderful lover then I think you're a fool to be pining for some guy in a far away country who can't satisfy you much in the sack. What will you do, go back to Juan and then visit the states to screw Mike?

Don't go back to Juan. Stop skyping him and emailing him and give yourself a chance to get over him 100%.

You'll learn about Karma if Mike has the confidence and self-worth to tell you to leave him alone.

Next time figure yourself out before you bring someone into your life and hurt them by being undecisive. You're mother's advice enables you to be be flakey and unsure. You left him for a reason and that reason has not changed, has it? Will you no longer miss your family? Will you suddenly start having amazing sex? Are you willing to settle now just because you allow this Juan person to remain in your life and unabled yourself to get over him when you had dismissed him?

P.S. I'm thinking your axiety is stemming from your indicision and stringing Juan along all this time by keeping in contact with him. Once you totally dismiss Juan from your life your confusion will subside and so will your anxiety. Lets hope you haven't made Mike aware of your indicision and flakey behaviour and he's not totally given up on you.

Don't settle for something you left because you were unhappy just because your sisters will be married and you won't. That's bullshit.

[pisces25]

Or you could go and see Juan and then make up your mind. You have had a LOT of posts about him so maybe until you go and see him the anxiety will remain.

[jb1111983]

Yes I agree with Wakeup that you risk losing Mike if you go see Juan. Keep that in mind. He's already trying not to get used to you after that email which is why he no longer texts you like he used to.

Having said that, I suggest you to take time alone just to think over this and go for what finally feels right to you. It's your life.

[steviej]

Poor mike!! He needs to post in the broken hearts forum becuase there seems to be lots of decent guys in there being messed around by girls like you! Lol.

Seriously, you are risking huge regret here because you'll wake up one day, realise exactly how good mike was for you but by then he's long gone and you're left pining for what you discarded.

Juan is gone, he only seems more desireable now because you can't have him! The sex is still crap and he's still stuck in columbia.

Make a decision, either cut mike loose to allow him to find a girl that deserves him or commit to him fully and stop this daydreaming of bad in bed juan.

[curiousgurl29]

Thank you for your candid reply .

I definitely do not expect Mike to wait around for me. But he told me that he values honesty and so that's why I told him. I also told him because I didn't want to go to a wine festival to drink and also have sex again (it was an overnight trip, so that would probably have happened.) I was going to tell him in person, but I have already tried that and we ended up hanging out more.I feel like things are moving very fast and I need to slow down.

To reply to your comment about karma, I guess I have learned about karma with Mike. I wrote him a text last night to ask him how he is doing, but no repsonse. A lthough I am sad, I will say that I still stand by my decision to tell him what's going on. I don't think it is good to pretend everything is fine, when it's not. I had been making up excuses why I couldn't hang out, so I thought I should be honest. A big reason why I told him I couldn't decide is because I DIDN'T want to lie. Although that's being a heart-breaker, I actually think that's the opposite of "stringing him along". He does know about my indecision, so I think he probably has given up on me totally. And rightfully so.

You are right that my reason for leaving Juan hasn't changed (well, I don't know if it has, because we are so far away)! I agree that I shouldn't settle either. Anyway, I have a lot of thinking to do! I really appreciate your thorough and honest advice, wakeup.

[Boisdevie]

I think you should continue messing with Mike's head. Tell him you're going to Columbia to be with a guy who is shite in bed and just wants a Green Card.
Are you really this stupid? Mike deserves better than you.

[Wakeup]

You're welcome, OP:

For the record, I can almost tell that you do not want to be with Juan but you still have thoughts of him simply becuase you kept in contact with him after breaking up and you didn't give yourself a chance to get to the stage of indifference to him. In this case no contact would have been a case of "out of sight, out of mind."

Next time you break up with someone because it's not ideal I recommend not continuing to speak to them. It's cruel to them and it's confusing to you.

Good luck. Frankly I think you should give up on both Mike and Juan, get both of them out of your system and then start dating once your slate is clean.

[curiousgurl29]

Hahaha... My ex doesn't just want a green card. Actually, he would prefer to stay in Columbia, but that's a whole other story...

But, yes, Mike does deserve better than me! Agreed.

[devonbrown]

In my opinion, you are holding onto a memory with Juan right now. You have already broken up with Mike, so your decision on him is already made. I would do what you told Mike you wanted to do and be single for a while.

I also have to wonder this... you said that Mike valued honesty, but does Juan? Have you told Juan about Mike? Have you told Juan you do not enjoy the sex with him? And if you told him these things, do you think Juan would be so understanding as to want you to be his wife? Just wondering.

Good luck.

[curiousgurl29]

Thanks, again Wakeup. Yes, I agree that I should have given the whole "out of sight, out of mind" a go. I think facebook makes it easy to hang on to old relationships that should have been given time to end...( Like REALLY end. No, checking status updates, etc.) The hard thing is that, of course, I still really care about Juan. Probably always will. So many memories! But I guess that's just how it goes, huh? There are some ex's who we are not right with, but they can still have a tiny piece of our heart.

That said, I am becoming convinced that it may be best to be single for a while. It's seeming more and more unfair to anyone to do otherwise. I 'm not going to rush into telling Juan anything though for a while until I
am sure I have made a decision that I can definitely STICK TO (even if I regret my decision). Sticking to a decision is something I really need to work on!

So, if I do decide to break it off totally with Juan, how do I tell him it's really over? Should I just tell him that I can't make a decision, so I think it's better to not talk anymore? Defriend him on facebook? I know I have already created damage, but what is the least hurtful move?

Thanks again for the advice! Can't tell you enough how much it helps to have a forum like this

[Gratedwasabi]

Hahaha... My ex doesn't just want a green card. Actually, he would prefer to stay in Columbia, but that's a whole other story...

But, yes, Mike does deserve better than me! Agreed.

Doesn't just, maybe, but it sure as hell sounds like part of his motivation. And he's shit in bed. And the only reason you never got over him is BECAUSE YOU KEEP TALKING TO HIM.

Go back to Columbia, get Juan his green card and have shit sex.

[Junket]

Easy, take one in the butt, and the other in your mouth.

Everybody's happy!

[curiousgurl29]

Good point, Devon. No, I haven't been totally honest (okay really omitting some major details) with JuanI think that's another reason why I have been having anxiety attacks... Because I've been a coward and not told him about Mike. Just told him I had gone on dates with another person.... but not that we were intimate.

As far as the unsatisfying sex with Juan... No I have never told him that I was unsatisfied. Sad to say that I faked orgasms our whole relationship. I started to feel like I was living a lie! I didn't have sensation when we were having sex. Now, I think I will always have in the back of mind the fact that I had great sex with someone else. I DEFINITELY don't think Juan would want a wife thinking that! Thanks for allowing me to think from his perspective.