Advice/insight on separation

[happy camper]

Just looking for advice on a recent separation that I experienced and thought that some members here might have some insight for me.

I was with my most recent partner for about 4 years prior to our separation. We were very compatible people that shared many common interests. We didn’t argue or fight, had similar values and upbringings and had common long-term goals. We were not married but were living together and sharing some expenses. The problem that I encountered is that, despite everything that we shared in common, I felt I was lacking a deeper connection and felt little chemistry between us. From the beginning of the relationship, I realize I was basing our relationship on very strong compatibility and the fact that we interacted so well. I thought that over time a deeper connection would develop and I would eventually reach a point where I would want to spend the rest of my life with her. I love her dearly and think that she is a great person. Because of our common interests, I found myself trying to make it work despite the lack of a natural connection (at least from my perspective).

I reached a point where I felt that I had to be honest with her and share with her my feelings and the doubts that I had about the relationship. After discussing this openly for the first time, things became incredibly difficult. I reached a point where it was all I could think about, and I was overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, because I really didn’t believe that I had/have the ability to change my feelings. We ended up breaking up shortly after and I have since moved out while we separate finances.

It is truly heartbreaking to hurt such a good person and I’m having a very difficult time with it. I feel terrible about not sharing the same feelings for our relationship, and also for trying to make it work for so long before realizing that I could not force something that was not naturally there. I think she feels like I am not being honest with her, and suspects that I met someone else because to her this came on rather abruptly (this is not the case). I also feel like I let down many of my friends who thought we were perfect for each other, and I feel shame for letting our families down and feel like I have lost their respect.

I haven’t been talking about this too much with other people because it’s still too fresh and difficult to talk about. I’m just wondering if people here on the forum could offer their opinions or advice on my situation. Are there things that I should have tried before giving up on the relationship? Was my decision justified or can a relationship work without a deeper natural connection? Any thoughts would he helpful…thank you.

[vashti]

You say you were very compatible, many common interests, had similar values, and the same long-term goals, and yet you lacked a "natural connection"? What does that mean? You weren't physically attracated to her?

[bulrush]

I agree that it took guts for you to look inside yourself to ask yourself what you really want. Sounds like you wanted a deeper connection with the girl. But what did you do to foster a deeper connection? Did you share intimate thoughts? Did you share things with her that you had not shared with anyone else? Did you take a risk with telling her things? How did she react?

I just need a few more details.

As far as having natural chemistry goes, I don't see it much myself in the girls I date. So I don't depend on it nor make it a requirement. To me, natural chemistry is an attraction that cannot be explained. It is not physical attraction, it is something else.

Maybe you can make yourself a list of attributes in the other person that turn you on. Not just sexually, but romantically or emotionally. What do you really like to see in a girl? For example, I like girls that are assertive but not crabby. They can be physical attributes, or attributes of the mind or soul. Do you like generous women who help others? Do you like sensitive women that are naturally nurturing? Do you like tough women, like lumberjacks and truck drivers?

Do you like girls with blond, brunette, or pink hair? What about tattoos? Body piercings?

[devonbrown]

Look at it from her perspective and you will see that she has every reason to be pissed off. You were together 4 years. You moved in together. You shared finances. Everything points to you wanting to make a life for yourself with her. And then, boom! It all crashes down.

It is good that you didn't settle and be in an unhappy situation forever, but there is really no other way this could have gone down. She was going to get hurt no matter what. And she did. It is just the way things were bound to go.

I do agree with vashti as well. If all the things you said about her and you do not constitute a "natural connection" then what does?