Ahh i want to scream! How should i act?

[Layna]

All the best, JadenMia.

[MerryH]

I know what i need to do, i want to do it. Im just f*cking scared

You don't really need to do anything. He just ended it with you. Just don't ever contact him again, and don't let him contact you. For real this time. Stop letting him abuse you.

[pisces25]

He is expecting you to grovel back like in the past. DON'T. You know for a fact you deserve better.

We are here for you. If you feel like contacting him just post on here instead. You have wasted enough energy on this loser. Put that energy into your daughter and into getting yourself back into the right space. And DON'T get fooled into thinking he has changed again. Or replaying the 'good times' in your head. We can justify anything no matter how bad. Don't fall into this trap.

[JadenMia]

Thanks everybody, i turned my phone on after i came home and there was a few texts. He called and asked what i had been doing, i said i was sorry but he didnt need to speak to me that way.. He tried to turn it round saying 'well i might want to see you tonight, you will have to call later and see'.. lol I definitely wont be calling. I just said no its okay... and he said fine.

Maybe that will be the end of contact.. I am just going to feel so hurt.. I feel sick thinking about it right now I wish i had never gotten into this with him.. I regret it so much..
I know what the right thing to do is.. But why is it so hard for me, when he treats me so bad, i dont understand why i feel this way. I just know the pain and sickness of it all is very real.

[pisces25]

Maybe you are familiar with the pain? And on some level don't have enough self-esteem to realise you deserve better. You are stuck in a cycle. Unless you want it to continue get rid of this man.

I would also suggest seeking some counselling so you can move forward without him.

[JadenMia]

Maybe you are familiar with the pain? And on some level don't have enough self-esteem to realise you deserve better. You are stuck in a cycle. Unless you want it to continue get rid of this man.

I would also suggest seeking some counselling so you can move forward without him.

Well i guess you could say i am familiar with it.. Its been going on for quite a while now. I dont have very high self esteem either, but in a way i do KNOW i deserve way better.. I just dont feel i can actually get better. Maybe thats it.. I am in a stupid cycle, its the saame thing over and over. I wish he would leave me and just not take me back even if i tried. It would hurt, but then i wouldnt have a choice. This way, its hard. Its hard to just choose to leave someone who you truly care about and wish to be with. Its a complete clash and just messes with my head.
I would like to get some kind of counselling, im not sure how it would help though. And not sure how to go about getting into it. Or if i have the money to do it.

[MerryH]

I would like to get some kind of counselling, im not sure how it would help though.

You really don't think counseling would help? It might help you learn to value yourself and figure out why you're okay with having someone verbally kick your ass with regularity. Maybe you'll realize how he manipulates you and punishes you even when you've done nothing wrong. You're weak. I'm sorry, but you are. Do everything in your power to become stronger. How could counseling not help? Look into it.

Plus, isn't he kind of a shithead to/about your daughter? I only vaguely remember you discussing it before. I hate to play the kid card, it's so cliche, but can't you do it more for her sake so she doesn't grow up thinking it's normal or okay to treat people this way? Or even more importantly, to be treated this way. Imagine your daughter growing up and getting seriously attached to an abuser. You wouldn't want that for her, so don't allow it for you.

[hello1]

Maybe you should cut all contact with male friends? some couples don't allow opposite gender friends so that is not unheard off.

In his head it's properly torture so why he is sending all those nasty text messages. He is obviously a very insecure man and he does need help for it! it won't get any better as its nothing to do with you but him! he be like this with anyone. There 3 options

A. Accept the way he is and hope he changes
B. He gets help
C. you dump him

[JadenMia]

Thanks for the responses. I know im weak, i feel weak! Its kind of frustrating to feel helpless like this.. I want to just be able to live without him, without feeling majorly depressed and lonely. I know i should just put up with it for a year until i get over it.. But it is SO hard. I dont want to be miserable, i hate the feeling. I hate when im not with him, everyday i expect to hear something he has done, how well he is doing without me. Ugh, i dont know.
And i didnt mean i dont think counselling would help, im sure it will. But, what could they possibly say that will help me see the light through all of this? What could they say to me that i dont already know? I would love to go to counselling though, even just to try it.
About my daughter, its a complicated situation. He is a shithead to her, for the fact of he doesnt bother to see her. Since we got back together, he hasnt seen her once. Which i dont actually mind in a way. I'd rather him not be involved with her at all. Its weird, because i know i dont want to be with him, i dont want to spend my life with him, but i am just here, waiting around and i realise i am wasting valuable time on him, but i dont feel too open to the pain i feel without him.

Life would be so much easier if we werent in this tiny town, without him being around, hearing everything he does, being invited to his awesome get togethers at his house, and seeing him hitting on other girls when im out. I would be able to get over him easily.. I know it. I have never had any problems with this kind of thing. Iv always been so strong and had my 'i do what i want' attitude about men. I dont honestly know what he does to me that brings me down like this.
Im determined to get through this though.
I didnt see him last night, i told him i refuse to be spoken to like im nothing. I work long hours this week, so its going to get my mind off things and i have sworn to myself i will not go see him.

I also have a doctors appt on thursday, should i mention about counselling? I think i am going to mention that i am stuck in a relationship with a man who is mentally and physically abusive. Maybe he will point me in the right direction. I want to get the best i can out of life, and he is just not the best for me. He is just not what i pictured myself being with.

[Layna]

What counselling can do for you is first of all, perhaps provide clearer strategies. A counsellor may help you identify not just what the problem is, but concretely what you can do about it in your case. Secondly, it can help you simply by being the opinion of an uninvolved third person. Sometimes it is very easy to justify our own actions or those of others by saying Oh well they don't know what it's like, they're biased, etc... the more you can get a professional third-party opinion, the better. It might help you think again if you are in a moment where you're feeling weak and like perhaps he is right, not you. And on the same note, thirdly - it is somebody to talk to when you feel like giving in even though you should. Instead of following your gut, you can hold on a few more days and speak to a counsellor again who would help see you things more clearly again. Of course a friend can provide that same service, but counselling is still more professional. Even if you know what the right thing to do is, it's hard to actually do it if you're all by yourself because we all have moments of weakness and our thoughts and emotions always sway.
Talk to your doctor about it, as you said. Tell him what you suggested you could tell him.

[JadenMia]

What counselling can do for you is first of all, perhaps provide clearer strategies. A counsellor may help you identify not just what the problem is, but concretely what you can do about it in your case. Secondly, it can help you simply by being the opinion of an uninvolved third person. Sometimes it is very easy to justify our own actions or those of others by saying Oh well they don't know what it's like, they're biased, etc... the more you can get a professional third-party opinion, the better. It might help you think again if you are in a moment where you're feeling weak and like perhaps he is right, not you. And on the same note, thirdly - it is somebody to talk to when you feel like giving in even though you should. Instead of following your gut, you can hold on a few more days and speak to a counsellor again who would help see you things more clearly again. Of course a friend can provide that same service, but counselling is still more professional. Even if you know what the right thing to do is, it's hard to actually do it if you're all by yourself because we all have moments of weakness and our thoughts and emotions always sway.
Talk to your doctor about it, as you said. Tell him what you suggested you could tell him.

Thanks again

I am definitely going to talk to my doctor about it, as he will surely be able to help somehow even if its just a number i can call. I am so sick of this treatment, yet i stick with it so i know there is something wrong i need to straighten out with myself. I am going through with my plan, not calling him, or asking to see him. Just concentrating on myself and my daughter and basically just thinking about me more than revolving everything around him.
It feels like a big step for me, even though everyone around me thinks it should just be a simple 'goodbye'.. It should be but its not.
I love this site, it makes me see things much clearer without him drilling my head into thinking im a bad person all the time.

[MaidenMinx]

Jaden, honey, you are teaching your daughter a horrible lesson right now. You are teaching her that a man is more important than happiness. Stop it.

Also, I disagree with Merry. You are not weak. You have weakness in you, we all do, we're human. We also have strength. You are stronger than you believe. Your biggest problem is your fear of being alone. You aren't alone. You have your daughter.

I know it seems impossible, but you can get out of this pattern.

[hello1]

About my daughter, its a complicated situation. He is a shithead to her, for the fact of he doesnt bother to see her. Since we got back together, he hasnt seen her once.

What is wrong with you? He doesn't even like the fact you have a child and you know why? it reminds him of the past you had. Does he throw it in your face you have a daughter too?

I felt sorry for you before as I could understand what you were going through but not so much now. You are putting a man before your own child, what does that say about you? You have a responsibility to her, don't you want find a decent man you can settle down with who be a good step dad too her? who would accept both of you? what you are saying too your daughter is

"Let a man treat you badly and put him before your children."

I don't care if your insecure, young or trying work out what you want in life/relationship the simple fact is you have a child now and you cannot let a man like that be around your daughter. The example your setting her is horrific. Why are you even with a man who doesn't like your daughter? WHY? That was never your issue, it was always he mean to me etc but never he doesn't give a *** about my daughter. Grow up yeah

[kageri]

You helped create this problem. When someone is being completely insecure and a jerk you don't reassure them and say you love them. You tell them they are being an unrealistic jerk and they better stop yelling and let you go back to sleep if they ever want to talk to you again. When they don't stop after it fails to work a few times you tell them to get counseling for their anger/jealousy issues or you are leaving. Then you actually leave and don't return unless they get counseling. If the instant he yells you become this loving attentive girlfriend why shouldn't he yell? He got lots of great attention and kept you from talking to someone else. This is a great thing. Let's do it again. It's like training a dog not to eat out of the garbage by giving them a steak every time they do it. To encourage this behavior when you have a child around is even worse. If it were my choice and there were enough good homes out there I would remove children from such parents. I had to deal with that crap from my stepdad growing up. I even refused to go to their wedding and my mom did not listen. It took me writing a note threatening murder suicide as a teenager and a psychiatrist telling her to make him stop or he would report my stepdad for verbal abuse to improve the situation. My sister learned from my mom how to have horrible and sometimes abusive relationships because my mom was always compromising and consoling my stepdad to keep him happy instead of telling him to **** off and stop yelling at her kids for no good reason like she should have. Even my stepdad's mother admits to spoiling him too much and occasionally tells him he is being a selfish brat and to treat his wife better or she will find someone still capable of reddening his bottom (he's over 50 years old). Personally I put my first abusive boyfriend face first in to a wall, threatened to call the police if he ever came near me again, and then had my phone number changed and never made that mistake again. You either learn from your mistakes and your parents' mistakes or you repeat them endlessly for a miserable life. Hope your daughter is the former.

[MaidenMinx]

Wow Kageri, that was just mean.

So if you had the power you would have taken me from my mum? Well screw you! My mum took a while to learn her lesson (ie. I only had one crappy step dad and then she didn't go out with anyone again until a few years ago once my younger brother turned 20.) but she learnt it well and I love her to bits. I had a crappy childhood, I dealt with the abusive bf, and now I am happily married. ALL the sh*t I have been through has bought me to where I am now.

Jaden, I agree with Kageri on the learning from your mistakes. This man is poison for you. Like a lot of poisons there are pleasant side effects but you are doing more harm than good being with him. A phrase I've always hated 'have a nice big cup of cement and harden up, Princess' comes to mind. I think it is time to pull on all your reserves of strength and lean on all your supports and get away from him. It sounds like you're addicted to him (and the drama) more than you actually love him. Harsh call, I know but stress and drama can be addictive and like any addiction it will drain you and wear you out.

Focus on your girl and giving her what she needs. Not having a daddy around is bad enough but having poor male role models near her compounds the issue. I know you can do what's right for you and your daughter. You just need to believe it too.