Ahh i want to scream! How should i act?

[JadenMia]

My boyfriend and i, we have problems. I love him to bits, i love being with him, he makes me happier than anything..When we are good..Together, we constantly laugh together, we are so affectionate with one another, i cant explain the bliss i feel when we are together and good.

Now, he has extreme jealousy issues. I wouldnt mind it too much, his jealousy isnt what bothers me. If he just got upset and wanted reassurance that i wasnt doing anything bad, or just wanted me to show him im all his, i would be okay with it. But instead of getting upset, he gets angry.. At me.
He will tell me he hates me, tell me i make him sick, says its over constantly when anything comes up with another guy contacting me in any way.

Why does he get angry at me? And how should I act when he does this? Up until now i have tried reassuring him, telling him i love him and saying not to worry etc.. It occurs to me, this might be fuelling it. Maybe it is allowing him to be like this more often etc..

This morning a man i work along side text me sarcastically telling me to have a good day (it was my day off). He is managing the store himself today and wasnt looking forward to it. I have ZERO attraction to this guy so to me it was nothing.. My boyfriend had read it before i even woke up. I woke up to him shaking, saying this was a joke, that he knows a nice text is all it takes to get in my pants?? Saying i make him sick.
I spent all morning trying to hug him and explain to him but he wouldnt listen.
He went off to work and now is texting me saying its over, he cant stand being with a 'girl like me' and accusing me of lying that im alone.

How should i act with him? Should i be strict and and tell him to only contact me when he has nice things to say? I dont know what i should do, without being a 'non-caring girlfriend'..

Thanks for the advice and sorry its long! I wanted to get all the facts in for accurate advice.

[VincenzoG91]

How is that your co-worker has your personal phone number? And why did he think it was appropriate to send you that text? Have you ever considered keeping some boundaries between your work life and your personal life?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Have you ever considered, not dating people who display controlling, manipulative behavior like this?

[JadenMia]

I work as a manager in a walmart. In a very small town. Pretty much everyone my age i work with in that store, i was friends with before i worked there. They all went to school together, which are all friends we would see out of work too. I didnt think i would have to stop being friends with everyone i worked with..? I didnt really ever see there being need for boundaries between me and my friends that i worked with. Maybe my partner has a right to be angry?

If he is, that is okay. I dont plan on leaving him, getting angry at him, i would just like to know what the best approach to his behaviour is when he gets upset.. I hate to see him upset, but i dont want to make it even worse.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Just ask him to make a list of things you're allowed to do, and don't deviate from that..ever.

[JadenMia]

Have you ever considered, not dating people who display controlling, manipulative behavior like this?

I have considered this to be controlling behaviour.. I think about it a lot. The way we are together when he isnt upset sometimes takes away the worry of him being controlling or manipulative though sadly.. I know it shouldnt, but i enjoy being with him every second he isnt like this.

[Layna]

I understand that you enjoy very much the time he is not like that and you don't want to lose that, but you have to understand that he is never going to change. No amount of hugs or reassuring will stop him being like this. It's not that he is 'just a little insecure' or that you are doing something wrong. This is how he is and this is how he is going to continue to treat you. Are you willing and happy to spend the rest of your life under his thumb, with him dictating who you can see, what level of closeness with your friends is appropriate, and what your social life should look like - and the corresponding fear of his outbursts when you did not toe the line enough for him?

[JadenMia]

Thanks Layna, i do understand he is probably not going to change. We broke up a while ago and i told him to not come back until he had figured out his issues and come back more understanding of the fact no matter what there will always be the opposite sex around me. Whether it be working, in my friends group etc..
He said the break did really good for him, that he saw he was being controlling and he would do anything not to lose me again. I thought it did too, and it was okay for a while. The happiness was there, we were back to our old selves. Just lately stupid things have been getting him upset like this, its almost like everytime we get close he gets possessive. He is a wonderful man to be around. I know he cares about me, but he does it in the wrong way. I feel like crap it has come back to this, all i want is for us to work and i dont understand why he doesnt see that. I feel i do my part as a partner, i dont do anything inappropriate, i am always there for him, i give him all the love, sexually and affectionately he needs.. I give him space when he needs it. Im sick of busting my a** off for this to work when he doesnt even acknowledge it.

I just dont understand how something so wonderful, the happiest i have been with anyone before, can be so wrong. I just dont understand..

[VincenzoG91]

I work as a manager in a walmart. In a very small town. Pretty much everyone my age i work with in that store, i was friends with before i worked there. They all went to school together, which are all friends we would see out of work too. I didnt think i would have to stop being friends with everyone i worked with..? I didnt really ever see there being need for boundaries between me and my friends that i worked with. Maybe my partner has a right to be angry?

If he is, that is okay. I dont plan on leaving him, getting angry at him, i would just like to know what the best approach to his behaviour is when he gets upset.. I hate to see him upset, but i dont want to make it even worse.

I would feel smothered if I was surrounded by so many people with their noses in my business. Have you considered moving to a big city?

[Cerby]

I have considered this to be controlling behaviour.. I think about it a lot. The way we are together when he isnt upset sometimes takes away the worry of him being controlling or manipulative though sadly.. I know it shouldnt, but i enjoy being with him every second he isnt like this.

Have you considered the damage this is doing to you as well? I have seen this happen, and I've seen someone take months and months to get over this kind of relationship once it ends. Going through several short relationships with good people being unable to operate normally because of the fear of being controlled, withdrawing, making their emotions unavailable, and letting potentially healthy relationships fall apart. This particular I know girl actually went BACK to the guy after several months and went through the same abuse again. . .I don't understand why, broke the hearts of some good guys just to give a loser a second chance.

Jaden, you're in a bad spot here, this guy will question every move you make as long as you're together forever. If you're ok with things going down this path then best of luck to you, but it leads to nothing but emotional destruction.

[JadenMia]

Vincenzo, It is horrible!! I actually just moved from a big city to this one. I thought i would like the quiet life here, its a beautiful town and friendly people. But everyone knows everyone. Everyone knows your business, its a big ol' drama fest here. One of the biggest problems i have in fact, when i left my partner last time, all i saw was him, all i heard was him, it was extremely tough to actually get on with my life with him around constantly it seemed. lol I consider moving from here, but being a young mother with no help, working full time.. It wouldnt be a great move for me right now. It is definitely in my plans though.

Cerby, i know exactly what a bad spot i am in. It is emotionally draining, i keep trying and trying and get smacked right back down. Only to be brought up again by him, being led to believe we are happy. Which we are, until this comes up. I know i ignore this.. I know why i do it. I just wish i didnt. It was like this before, i have to say a lot worse than it is now, i broke up with him, actually had friends and was happy for a while. I dont know what happened, we just started seeing each other and the way he treats me is perfect until this. I know it is going to take a LONG time to get over this if it ends.. I guess that is what i am afraid of. I feel on an ultimate low when i am not with him and the temptation to be happy is there when he comes around and i take it. Desperation to be happy again can be ugly i guess. I know people dont understand why i go back, its hard for myself to understand it too.. But it just happens. I see i need to make a change to my life. Temporary happiness is just not doing it for me anymore.

[JadenMia]

Just to add a question..

He's at work, he has been texting me all morning, he sounds like hes completely flipping out. This is the text he just sent..

'You love me sooo much eh? You kissed someone when we werent together didnt you? and u now kiss me with that f*cking disgusting mouth of yours, get f*cked. I wish i had never met you, im done. Its f*cking over, i hate you ur just disgusting. You have sucked our relationship dry. Men text you because they think they can get you, not because you're a friend. You are stupid and naive. You will never get an apology from me, go have fun xo'

Over the space of the hour it has gone from friend who text me, to men iv been with in the past to him accusing me of cheating and being easy..

This is what he has just said.. I dont know what to say to it. I dont understand how he can go from loving me, to hating on me so harshly.
Its time to leave and never look back.. isnt it.. What should i say to that, to keep as much dignity as i can?

[VincenzoG91]

Say goodbye and nothing else.

[Cerby]

Sounds like he is doing what a lot of co-dependant, controlling people do. He is sitting ar work replaying the scenario, adding made up facts and assumptions, and getting more and more mad.

You know what you need to do, but can you do it?

[JadenMia]

I decided to not reply and turn my phone off.. Im going to take my daughter to the beach and for ice cream. Fill my day with something positive. I know what i need to do, i want to do it. Im just f*cking scared
Thanks everyone, i am sure i will be back here later..