What a tangled web I've weaved

[jasminexx]

I'm not quite sure how to fit a year's worth of craziness into a couple of paragraphs. But here is the bottom line.

I was in a serious relationship for 3 years. But I decided to end it, and I have not had such a serious relationship before so I was not sure how to cope. Because I'm the kind of girl who gets along better with guys, my boyfriend was my best friend and virtually my only friend. I didn't (nor have I really ever) have any close girl friends that I hung out with.

So along comes another guy friend. We've known each other, but were never close. He offers to help tutor me for a class that I wasn't doing so well in. Then one thing leads to another and we end up kind of dating. I say kind of because nothing official ever came out of it. And we date for about a year. But during this entire year, I never really got over my first boyfriend. And as you can imagine, this creates a lot of problems and I created a lot of lies to try and "solve" or temporarily mend things. I say that I lied because I wanted to protect their feelings. But I obviously know now, that it really only hurt EVERYONE in the end A LOT.

Regardless, the dating ended and I messed up big time. But the amazing thing is that the wonderful guy who was my first boyfriend, for some reason incomprehensible to man, is giving me another chance.

Should I take it? Is it even possible to go back into a relationship after so much damage has been done? He doesn't trust me, but is it worth it to try and rebuild all the trust that was lost?

I don't know what to do.

[IncognitoSir]

You need to fill in the gaps. You decided to end it......uh, mind telling us why? Might be of help. After ending the relationship, why would you want to go back to him? You've purposelessly left out a ton of information. If you're looking for good advice, you need to give us the whole story.

[Wakeup]

Why did you end the first relationship? What did you lie about? Who did you hurt? You've given a beginning to your story and an end but you forgot to mention everything (anything) that happened in the middle so it's almost impossible to give you any advice or opinion without knowing specifics.

On Edit: Looks like Incognito and I were thinking the same thing at the same time. :o)

[jasminexx]

Well the relationship ended for religious reasons. I believe in abstinence before marriage, and so does he. But we kept find ourselves in very compromising situations. So we both had agreed to end the relationship and really focus on our relationship with God. Besides this one struggle, we never argued over the 3 years. I'd say at most, I would just get upset because I felt I wasn't receiving enough attention from him because he was distracted by video games.

Now the lies, I'd like to say don't judge me, but that's not likely to happen. But basically I fell in love with both guys but for different reasons. Everything that my first boyfriend lacked in the second made up for and vice versa. For example, the second guy really won me over because of the romantic gestures that I never got too much of the three years prior. He always gave me flowers and remembered to do all the "small" things. But my first boyfriend won me over because he could make me laugh and smile like no one else. No one could ever make me laugh as hard as he.

So for the longest time, basically the whole year I dated the second guy, I was try decide between the two. I could never choose who I got along better with, who I wanted to be with the most. So moving back and forth or "on and off" between the both of them did a lot of damage to their hearts and their trust in me. But I never wanted to hurt anyone. I never knew myself to be so fickle. All my actions seemed so unlike me, because coming from such a stable 3 year relationship, I always thought I knew exactly what I wanted out of a guy. But I lost sight of it all. I was immature and I know that now.

But the second guy was the first one to give up, he left me because he was tired of it all. And I'm happy for him because he really didn't deserve everything I did to him, neither of them do. But now that he is out of the picture, my first boyfriend, still wants me back. But the problem is he is still unsure too, mainly because of the trust issue. He reminds me of what I did to him in the past. It discourages me, but I do still love him. And when we hang out, it still feels like old times. It's only when we talk about our future together that things become difficult.

[Wakeup]

sorry to be dense here but are you saying that you were seeing both men at the same time and neither one knew of the other?

Anyway, your question is should you go back with guy No. 1? What are your relationship goals with this guy. You won't have sex before marriage and you went out with the guy for 3 years. How long do you expect to date him this time before marrying? If it's not in the near future then the same thing will happen. If he is still concentrating more on video games than you, then the same problem is still present. If he isn't or can't be more romantic then you still have the same want not being met. He doesn't trust you now and trust is one of the cornerstones of a successful and happy marriage.. communication is another.

Just some thngs to think about that my help you make a decision

[devonbrown]

Gotta agree with WakeUp here. If the issues that caused your breakup the first time are not resolved completely, they will simply resurface and be issues again.

Plus, if the first guy is now "reminding" you of the pain you caused him and stuff, that is not good. That sounds like he is trying to guilt you into a relationship again and any time you bring up something you don't like, he'll bring up the time you "dated that second guy and played both of us and how you lost my trust? Well, see how great I am that I decided to give you another chance? So hush up and bring me some more Doritos while I play Call of Duty." You don't really want that, do you?

My advice - there was a reason it didn't work out with guy #1 and with guy #2. Learn from these experiences and maybe guy #3 could be around the corner.

Good luck.

[Stix]

So basically you just got left with the one that stuck around. Not your own choice. That's not a good situation. You should probably just forget them both as said before because all this history is just going to make it stale.