Help!! Need advice before July 15th!!!!

[zeesuzee]

Hello everyone! So I need some advice! My boyfriend of 8 months and I are "forced" to move together (been looking for almost 3 weeks now.)

Long story short.... his mom hates me. He is a 20 year old college student and she was paying his way 100% school, rent, food, insurance, etc... at least until I came along. Beginning July 15th he is out on his own. She is no longer supporting him, not paying for his food, his school, insurance, rent, etc... So this has left him in a pickle. He has two options. One, he can go back home which is all the way in Thousand Oaks, California (note, I live in Orange, California, which is a big distance apart) or option two, he and I can move in together, sharing half the costs of the abode. Option one, his mom would fully support him again and he would get the opportunity to transfer to a great school up there, with the ease and satisfaction of never having to worry about money ever being an issue. The downside to option one is he would hardly ever get to see me. However, with option two, he would be able to be in a happy relationship with the woman he cares for, spend every day with her, but he would unfortunately be struggling with bills and struggling to get by just to survive with her. LET ME PUT INTO THE PICTURE THAT... HE HAS ALREADY CHOSEN OPTION TWO, this is why he is out of the apartment his mom is paying for him, on July 15th...... however, it is never too late for him to choose option one.

My issues are these:
I'm not ready for this commitment. I'm not ready financially, nor am I ready to commit fully 100% with the big step of, "moving in." It's a lot to take in and everything is moving so quickly. I don't want to become a misguided couple that went wrong, simply because they moved in too quickly. This decision of his moms happened overnight and he was lucky enough to convince her to give a 2 week extension! ...but now the days are coming closer to that big date and I don't know what to do... I thought I was ready, but after many ponderings over the past few weeks, I know I truly am not ready. It's only a few days until July 15th. It is not too late for him to choose option one. However, I am genuinely and deeply in love with him, that I don't want him to choose option one. I do not want to part ways with him, I want to be with him. So that is why I continued on with Option Two for so long, but I simply just... cannot afford rent!! And I don't want to move somewhere knowing I can't afford it. However, if he goes back home, I'll be utterly upset, because I will not be able to see him. I also don't want to have to worry about the fact that hes many, many miles away and who knows who he is with, or who knows if he may soon grow bored of me simply because he isn't seeing me every day... I would have to worry about his mom constantly attempting to convince him that "she's no good for you ... you can do better" and her telling him not to be with me, because that's what she does. She once tried to convince him to cheat on me!! (which he didn't) And his mom is really good at convincing, so who knows if one day he might take her cruel, manipulating advice? I don't want to have to worry about his mom standing in the way any time I would want to see him. This distance apart would also limit the times him and I see each other. The idealism we once had would diminish greatly from seeing each other every day, to seeing each other a few times out of the month. In my opinion, long distance relationships never work, and this is a huge concern of mine. My concerns about the second option aka me moving in is mainly to do with money problems, worrying that I may not be able to handle the stress and obligation that comes with paying rent. I currently am living rent-free with my dad. I am on unemployment and that only goes so far. I am so worried that I may not be able to find a job soon... the competition is tough and the last time I was job hunting almost two years ago, it took me almost 4 months to land a job. RIGHT NOW, I make enough to support my half of the rent. But like I said, unemployment goes so far... and I know exactly what happens when/if I don't land that job in time. He does not make enough money to support the rent on his own...

I've tried telling him that I cannot afford the rent and multiple times I've tried telling him that him and I are just... not ready. But it kind've goes in one ear and out the other... and when he does listen to my valid words, he simply just reminds me how he will have to go to T.O. and will probably never see me again simply because it's just so far. It is not that he is too careless to listen to my words either. He is stressed about this whole situation and he is kind of on Cloud 10 right now. He isn't really thinking clearly because of all the stresses of his mom, work, school situations, now this living situation and so on.... so.... I really don't know what to do here.

What I should do??

Should I bite the bullet and let him go to Thousand Oaks, or should I bite the bullet and take a risk with moving in with him, knowing I won't always have the money there? I guess any way you look at it it is taking a risk, so either way I am kinda screwed.... I guess I just need advice, comments, diff points of views on what I should do!

I am open ears, if you have any words of advice, wisdom, comments, thoughts, bits of info to share... by all means, contribute. I am so confused and don't know what I should do.

[surfhb]

Since you have no money for option 2, it looks like there's only one option left. Besides option 1 is better for him. Thousand Oaks is only 2-3 hours from OC.....not that far. Grow up and concentrate on getting work and see your man a couple times a week instead. You guys are only 20....there are bigger priorities in life right now than being together all the time.

[zeesuzee]

Well, Im 23, lol but yeah...

[surfhb]

23...20....whatever. Get back on your feet and have him finish school then see where you guys are at then. Your man needs a good kick in the pants.

[zeesuzee]

Lol.......

[zeesuzee]

Ive mainly gone on with this idea of rent simply because I feel like its the only option to keep seeing him, especially so consistently..... which creates so many problems and scenarios in it's own. :/

....feel kinda trapped

[surfhb]

Why did his Mom stop the cashflow? Because of you?

[zeesuzee]

Yep.. when it's pretty confusing because he is an A & B student.

[Unimare]

Option two might only work as a sort of blackmail tactic, to show his mother that you guys are serious about each other and that she should be more reasonable. Of course the reality is, that since neither of you are really ready or financially capable of pulling this off for a substantial amount of time, this will backfire, and he will have to go crawling back home which is worse than choosing option one to begin with.
So I'm afraid it's option one. Unless you can work on some sort of compromise. What is it about you that her mother is so much against anyway? Any wriggle room there? Is she that obsessive about all the girls he's seen or just you?
But basically, I say, let him go home and go to a good school, you do the same, go to school or work or whatever. Still see each other when possible and try to work out that compromise if you're still sure you two want to be together. But at this point in time, it does seem a bit silly and reckless to make such a commitment just because of the ultimatum. You two would end up hating each other trying to make do in less than ideal conditions.

[VincenzoG91]

It has to be option one. Not just because of the money issue, but because the communication isn't strong enough in this relationship. Moving in together now will only lead to trouble, and then he may have missed an important opportunity with his education.

[Layna]

Option 1, no doubt about it. If you already say you're not ready for this, then actually moving in together isn't going to fix it... it's going to make it worse. So in a year you two will be unhappy, out of money, his relationship with his mum will likely be pretty bad, he went to the less-good school, might start resenting you, etc etc...

[devonbrown]

It has to be option 1 because option 1 is the option that is best for everyone involved. Option 2 makes him feel good about staying with his gf, but creates all sorts of issues long term. Plus, you said yourself you aren't ready for that type of commitment. So you are just asking for trouble.

But why is there not an option 3 - where he finds some roommates and moves into a place with them? Roommates that are not his girlfriend.