I feel so ashamed today :(

[JadenMia]

Hey all, i just needed to come and vent here as i need to speak to someone...

I broke up with my abusive boyfriend a while back, i was feeling pretty good about myself. Enjoying my own company and just had a really positive outlook on everything that was going on.
Well, stupidly yesterday after a long day at work, an old friend asked me to go for a drink with him. I had work super early this morning and said no first, but after a bit of persuading i agreed to go for an hour.
We showed up and who is the first person we see? Obviously my ex. He pulls me the dirtiest look as we walk past to go inside and then follows us in. First he warns the guy im with to go away, hes an old friend and there has never been anything more than a friendship. He isnt the confrontational type so he left to do his own thing.

I was left with my ex, i should have just walked away and not listened, this is why i am ashamed. I knew if i would have walked away, he would have done his very best to hurt me, hitting on girls in front of me etc.. I couldnt bear the thought of it so i just stayed.
Any male friend who came to say hello, my ex would make some stupid comment about me.
He then asked me to leave with him, i did. Again, ashamed. We went to his house and for hours and hours ranting on how disgusting i was and how everybody thought so, how everybody thought he was better off without me. Just name after name, after insult after emotional digs..

I just sat there and took it and cried my eyes out while he just blasted me, killing me inside. Everytime he said something, that he would never 'respect a woman like me', and how he cant wait to find someone worth something more than a f*ck, that a girl like me deserves every crappy treatment i get from a man and that i deserve to get smacked by him.. Everything he said, it just physically hurt my chest, it felt like i was about to have a heart attack it hurt so bad.

Can someone please explain this pain?The actual physical pain in your chest when something is emotionally hurtful? Has anyone ever experienced this?

Anyway... After no sleep, a long day at work, i feel SO low. I just dont feel like carrying on anything right now. I cant understand why he hates me SO much, all i ever tried was to make us work, tried to show him how much i loved him and cared.
I just hope he is not right about me, i dont feel like anything he said was right, but i cant help thinking if things make him THAT angry and he is so determined i am a shitty person, maybe i am. Maybe i wont ever find anyone else in my life..

Thanks in advance for reading.

[pisces25]

I just hope he is not right about me, i dont feel like anything he said was right, but i cant help thinking if things make him THAT angry and he is so determined i am a shitty person, maybe i am. Maybe i wont ever find anyone else in my life..

You know that's not true. You are wise enough to see that.

If you walk into somewhere next time and your ex is there, walk out. Don't even think about it. Just walk out. He is poison to you. He is a first class asshole and the only reason he calls you name is coz he hates himself so much.

Stay away from him.

[DannyH]

What a dick. you shouldn't feel ashamed or bad you seem cool as hell. Everybody needs a friend who isn't afraid to plead no contest after smacking the crap out of a guy who pulls that stuff.

[LovePain]

He is toxic! He is the one who is f**ked. He felt so low but he was just not man enough to admit it. so he had to bring you down with him. and he wouldnt satisfy until he saw you broken and in tears. that's what abusers do. they are not human. they don't know how to be human. and i believe they are lower than insect.
My ex used to call me damaged worthless piece of sh*t slut. and he kept saying that, that eventually i believed him. That's so wrong. He has no rights to say things like that.
I'm still recovering from his abuse. I lost myself. Lost my identity. Dont really know who i am anymore.

You are a good person. Believe that. Otherwise you won't have any friends around you. Surround yourself with good spirited people. Stay away from him. He is like a spoiled egg. Looks ok on the outside, stinks on the inside!

[HeartIsAching]

WTF?! After all that he's done, you went with him? WHY???

No, you don't deserve the emotional abuse he heaped on you. You do need to seek therapy. No way in HELL you should go anywhere with him. If he approaches you again, whether or not anybody's with you, just say "F___ off." and turn away.

[Wakeup]

Yea, I have to ask what compelled you to follow this man when you've heard most of us hear tell you to stay away from his man. What? You didn't think we were serious when we were giving you our advice?

Please call social service in you area and ask for a referral to a therapist whose expertise is in codependency and low self worth. Once you work on yourself more, when you learn to love yourself and will distance yourself from men that do not value you, you'll be able to forgive yourself. Re-read your opening post and count how many times you say you are ashamed of yourself. You need to learn to love you and forget he exists. Call SS or yoru own doctor today to get the help you need.

You have a long road ahead of you but you can do it. You need to love yourself for your daughter as well as for yourself. While you're waiting to get into counceling read: "Codependent No More" I'll search for sites that may help you get some support from woman like yourself and get back to you.

Actually, now that I think about it... didn't you say you were already in therapy in one of your other posts. Have you ever spoke to your therapist about the abuse?

On edit: Here are a couple of sites that might be good for you :
[url]http://www.enddomesticabuse.org/psychological_healing.php?gclid=CNrsy5Kph6oCFQVrKg odYB1p0w[/url]
[url]http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention. htm[/url]

There's lots more just google "support groups for women who have been abused" and start reading.

[MaidenMinx]

Oh Jaden *HUGS* and *HUGS AGAIN*

I agree with everything that has been said. You need to see the awesome in you girl! It is there. Even people all over the world that only see your words can see that.

Please don't let yourself get sucked into his drama again. Oh and tell your guy friends to grow some balls. Don't go out for a drink or anything with anyone that won't have the balls to tell your ex to **** off and leave you alone. Until you develop that strength for yourself, you need some friends around that will be that strong for you. You will get there, honey.

[vashti]

Blah. I have another perspective, but it might hurt a bit to hear it. You tell me if you want to hear itn- I don't want to hurt you, only to help, but that may require you to contemplate a new perspective.

[JadenMia]

Thanks everyone. I dont know what the f*ck is wrong with me. I have never felt this way before, its honestly just sickening to my stomach. I feel upset about it all the time, then i feel good for a while and then there is something else that draws me to him. I know its my fault, which is why you are the only people i tell about anything. I wouldnt dare admit this to anyone else.. I just cant believe what i have brought myself to.

I guess i just got to keep working at it, i know what the right thing to do is, my friends cant understand what i see in him. A few select people have mentioned to me how unhappy they are for me when they have seen me with him and how he is. I listen and agree with EVERY person that i speak to about this situation. My mind completely changes when im away from people and im alone. I dont know how to handle this anymore at all, i know how wrong this is, but it is a very true feeling. I feel unbearably jealous over him also. Jealous about him being with other girls, liking someone more than me.. Its just awful.

[JadenMia]

Blah. I have another perspective, but it might hurt a bit to hear it. You tell me if you want to hear itn- I don't want to hurt you, only to help, but that may require you to contemplate a new perspective.

Sure, go ahead..

[LovePain]

Hm Vashti, I'm intrigued. Cant wait to read your perspective. I know it'll hurt. Probably tough love kind of advice, but sometimes it's what we need to hear.

[vashti]

In my opinion, people who are involved in abusive, dramatic relationships have some sort of secondary gain from it. Aside from being hooked on the drama of it all (and let's face it - for all it's downfalls, these types of relationships are anything but boring), the "victim" also often gets a certain type of twisted self esteem from being the "good" guy... The "abusive" one is obviously the bad guy, and the "victim" must therefore be the good one by default, and they get lots of pity from outsiders. If - by some miracle - the "bad" one transforms into a nice guy, then the "good" one gets to be the person whose love transformed the devil into an angel.

Just be careful about who you set yourself up with next time, Jaden. Girls like you often have a great deal of difficulty being happy in a "normal" relationship, because it lacks all the emotional drama you are accustomed to.

Anyway, I may be wrong.... this is just what I've observed over the years.

[LovePain]

Vashti, my psych said the same thing. I put up with my x because it was the kind of relationship that i was used to. It was not a good relationship and it was just wrong, but some people just so accustomed to it. the yelling and screaming and crying were just part of growing up, that the 'victim' no longer noticed or reliased that it was bad.

I've been wondering the same thing myself. But I realised that i deserve a peaceful love and life. So now I'm working on detaching myself and love myself and get my self esteem back. Its a long journey.

I guess at the end of the day, it's up to ourselves to understand who we are and what we want out of life. I find it hard to answer that question. What do I want with my life? It's a simple question... but very hard to answer.

[JadenMia]

You know, i agree. Not about some of the things, but i do believe i must get SOMETHING out of this that i like. I mean, why do i stay? I dont have a clue myself. I am always on edge, arguing about something, feeling desperate that he's going to leave.. None of this i enjoy. But we have this intense passion together, that i cannot explain and have never felt. Our relationship once was respectful. We once adored each other, wanted to spend every minute together, the sex is always amazing. Now the respect is gone, we like, just hate each other. But then i see him and i just want him to hold me, and we just squeeze each other tight, like we are trying to hold on to what we once had and neither of us can let go. Its just awful, i cant explain any of it.

When i think of what i really want, i just want to have someone around who thinks highly of me, who understands that i am a good person at heart. Not someone who sees every one of my faults and judges me by those alone. He swears i am out to get him, and he just hates me for it. Yet, i am not. I wish he knew how i felt about him, about what i wanted.. But he doesnt listen when i try to tell him. Our relationship turned from what i thought was perfection, to toxic and it is completely physical now. Not sex, i refuse to sleep with him anymore. I just cant when he calls me the names he does and thinks of me the way he does. But even just sat together, watching a movie. We can sit and be affectionate, hold each other and i can tell by the way he holds me and looks at me, he feels the same way as i do. He isnt exactly happy and that kills me just as much as my unhappiness.

And i couldnt agree more with what you said about me being happy in a normal relationship. I fear this also. I just know that i am going to have to really like someone and enjoy being with them before getting serious with anyone. I know that once i am free from this situation, i want to be alone. For at least a year. I just want to be happy with myself, i have grown too accustomed to trying to gain my happiness from him so i need to learn ALOT before getting into another relationship.

[LovePain]

Jaden, i think we are on the same boat here. He pushed me away and I knew it's over but I just can't move on. Can't let go.
We once were happy too, loved each other so much and enjoyed each other's company. but that was the past. Now is the present. and he is not with me. I'm here alone. Just me.
We need to learn to move on... so lets help each other and move on
Learn to love ourselves first. Be kinder and gentler to ourselves first.
Jaden, i'm with you in spirit. We can do this! We deserve this!