I feel so ashamed today :(

[Petit Papillon]

Oh my God... You probably wouldn't be able to do that as you didn't heal completely from this break up,but if my ex did that to me, I swear , I would end up AT LEAST insulting him back .No I would not go back to his house with him, but if he would piss me off like that, I would go back to his house alone to at least destroy his car. Maaan, ok it's a bit of fantasy, I'm probably too nice to do something like this in reality , but it's nice to imagine it. Guys like your ex should get beaten up so bad,so they would learn how to respect other people , not only women .

Well I agree with Vash, completely .You already took the step to leave, why do you take a step back ? Do you really want to be someone's dirt bag for the rest of your life? Do you want to be treated like a piece of shit? Next time such situation happens and he starts to insult you in front of other people, just tell him to **** off, throw your drink at him and leave. I think you should start to hate him , it will help you get stronger in confrontations with him . Now I think you still love him so it stops you from hurting him . He's your enemy, not your friend. I don't ask you to hurt him physically, I ask you to defend yourself when he attacks you.

[JadenMia]

Oh my God... You probably wouldn't be able to do that as you didn't heal completely from this break up,but if my ex did that to me, I swear , I would end up AT LEAST insulting him back .No I would not go back to his house with him, but if he would piss me off like that, I would go back to his house alone to at least destroy his car. Maaan, ok it's a bit of fantasy, I'm probably too nice to do something like this in reality , but it's nice to imagine it. Guys like your ex should get beaten up so bad,so they would learn how to respect other people , not only women .

Well I agree with Vash, completely .You already took the step to leave, why do you take a step back ? Do you really want to be someone's dirt bag for the rest of your life? Do you want to be treated like a piece of shit? Next time such situation happens and he starts to insult you in front of other people, just tell him to **** off, throw your drink at him and leave. I think you should start to hate him , it will help you get stronger in confrontations with him . Now I think you still love him so it stops you from hurting him . He's your enemy, not your friend. I don't ask you to hurt him physically, I ask you to defend yourself when he attacks you.

I sometimes wish i could go smash something of his too..lol I am too nice to do that too, but no, i know i should defend myself or at least say something in defense. I just dont want to make the situation worse than it already is so i just keep my mouth shut. When in the past i have said something back to him, it just goes out of control. He over reacts and cant believe i have said that, makes out that i have gone overboard, when really what i ever say is nothing in comparison to what he has.
I know i still love him. I do still see him as my best friend, i know i shouldnt.. We just went through so much together, it hurts to see him act like this. I dont know..Im working on it.

[Wakeup]

You're addicted to the drug known as "bad boyfriend." The only way you'll get over any addiction is with rehab (your therapy) and by going cold turkey (no further contact whatsoever). You didn't answer whether or not you have spoken to your therapist about your abusive relationship and your codependency? What does he/she tell you about keeping in contact with your drug of choice?

Have you ever read Codependent No More? If you haven't, you should. I think it will help you to see yourself so that you can overcome what ails you.

[JadenMia]

You're addicted to the drug known as "bad boyfriend." The only way you'll get over any addiction is with rehab (your therapy) and by going cold turkey (no further contact whatsoever). You didn't answer whether or not you have spoken to your therapist about your abusive relationship and your codependency? What does he/she tell you about keeping in contact with your drug of choice?

Have you ever read Codependent No More? If you haven't, you should. I think it will help you to see yourself so that you can overcome what ails you.

Yes, thats how i would explain it. Like a drug addiction, it does me no good, i love it, i love the euphoric feeling he gives me, i hate the aftermath. But no matter how i know how bad it is, or how bad he makes me, i carry on using. Its sad really. Yes i have mentioned it to my therapist, and she also said it was codependency. Thats what we talk about a lot and she helps me to see that i dont NEED him, to think back to the time i was without him and realise i was fine, that i will be okay alone. She also said it seems like i have abandonment issues, we got to the bottom of that too. It seems to have ALOT to do with my daughters father. My first relationship i had.
I would like to read this book though, it sounds like it could help a little bit. I feel it is all in my mind, the fear i have of leaving him, its not real, its just my thoughts and how i have trained my mind to react.

I would also like to say, i dont really miss him when im away, when im at home, out at work, i dont miss him. I dont want to see him, last night he begged me to see him. I just didnt feel like seeing him at all, i turned him down. This morning all i got was texts accusing me of being with someone else last night because i didnt want to see him. So i just asked, 'why do you want to see me or be with me, when you think so low of me' and repeated the things he said to me on friday. He has no real answer, no apology. Just that i disrespect him all the time so he gets nasty with me.
There is just no getting through to him. I will carry on staying away from him and try to forget about friday night. Thanks everybody, i just PRAY that he goes away to work. That would just be bittersweet.

[Wakeup]

There is just no getting through to him.

That is what you have to BELIEVE. As yet, you don't believe it.

I will carry on staying away from him and try to forget about friday night.

Add to that plan that you will not respond to his attempts at contact. You need to go COLD TURKEY from this man. Taking a hit of him (email/text/phone calls) is keeping you addicted.

Get that book today. You will be enlightened.

[JadenMia]

I agree. Thanks everybody!

My biggest and hardest challenge here is going absolutely NO contact. Like for the past 2 weeks, i didnt go see him. Didnt long to text or call, all seemed good obviously until friday. God, i still cannot believe that night. UGH. But, i find it SO hard to ignore him. I just cant help but reassure him when hes upset freaking out and i dont know why the f*ck i even bother to care. He doesnt when he's calling me names and trying to make me feel bad.

For example, today. This is how the conversation went.
Me: "please dont contact me anymore, i just dont want to be with you, i have had enough and i want nothing to do with you. Your number is deleted and i wish you the best"
Him: "Okay Jade, dont forget if you do this, there will be no more chances for you. You can never come back. If i dont see you tonight i will never speak to you again"
Me: "I dont want there to be any more chances"
Him: "Ouch... That hurt I loved you soo much. I dont blame you for this, i just wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but you just cant be good to me. Its sad. Goodbye babe, il always love you x"

I didnt text him all day. I had a busy day so it was nothing. But then again later he said:
"So thats it then.." Then text after text came through.. Then one that he was 'supposed' to text someone else about watching a movie. lol Then he starts to get upset about it, begging me not to ignore him.. I just cant sit and get those texts and ignore them.. It just hurts me to see him upset. I hate the feeling of being ignored..
I know i shouldnt care, but i do.. I cant help it.

Ugh. I just want to not care anymore.. I wish i was more of a b*tch than i am. I just hope that one day i will meet someone who doesnt take advantage of my kindness and selflessness. I have just always been this way, i have extreme empathy and its really not good sometimes. lol

[pisces25]

I just cant sit and get those texts and ignore them

Yes you can. You just don't want to.

[JadenMia]

I just cant sit and get those texts and ignore them

Yes you can. You just don't want to.

You're right i can.. I DO want to, i just find it so hard. I know its stupid. I really need to harden up.

[pisces25]

We can't do much more for your J. We are here to support you and help you through but so much of this has to come from you. Start putting those words into action. You will have a better life but only you can make it such.

[JadenMia]

We can't do much more for your J. We are here to support you and help you through but so much of this has to come from you. Start putting those words into action. You will have a better life but only you can make it such.

Thankyou
Yes it does. I know this will never change unless i really do something about it. I guess its one of those things that you know you HAVE to do, but you put it off because its just easier not to. I know this is going to hurt, i am not looking forward to the bad days, because damn are they bad. But i guess tomorrow will be my first day of NC. Thankyou everyone, so much.

[pisces25]

You won't know you can actually do it without trying it. You are afraid of facing the grief and being alone. It is completely normal. Keep going to therapy, cherish your time with your daughter, hang out with your friends (not in public places if that is going to cause trouble) and really put your heart and soul into those bad days. Come on here and vent when it gets really bad. If you don't do this now you never will and you will be setting yourself up for this sort of life for the rest of your life. Is that what you want??

[Petit Papillon]

Oh you should give me his phone number so I could send him a text that his a major douchebag!!! Geez, this guy is annoying ...

[relationship999]

He is the one with the problem not you!!!

[vashti]

Jaden, just change your phone number. It's inconvenient, for sure, but if you REALLY want to be free of him, you need to stop receiving his messages. (unless the phone company ca somehow block calls from his number?)

[JadenMia]

Jaden, just change your phone number. It's inconvenient, for sure, but if you REALLY want to be free of him, you need to stop receiving his messages. (unless the phone company ca somehow block calls from his number?)

I think i am going to go into town today, i wanted to get a new phone, fresh start and all that. First i will ask if they can just block his number from contacting my phone at all, if not i am just going to change my number with the new phone anyway. I dont think it will do too much, we live in such a small town and he will get hold of my number for sure. But maybe it will hold him off for a while, especially whilst im struggling to ignore him at least.