What is Love?

[muddblood]

With the slight difference that I can't stop thinking about her while you seem to be over her and looking for the next one. I don't mean to disrespect your feelings, but to me my girl feels like the one and only, even if I don't believe in this kind of thinking. (Feelings and common sense are two different things).

Nope I think about her day and night still. In fact I woke up this morning at like 4am thinking of her. I've just accepted the fact that we'll be nothing more than friends. And when she comes around ( and I know she will), I'll be so stunned and shocked and honestly, heartbroken, because I have let her go, just as she asked me to do.

And how do you know you'll find someone else that makes you feel like that? I've been in love before, but those past feelings were mild compared to what I experience now.

I know I will because I once thought I found the one and only and could never ever experience those feelings ever again. I mean honestly, how often does time stop the first time you see someone? And because I've been married for the past 10 years (even though it is an open marriage), I knew I'd never love that way again and had no confidence in myself and figured why even bother looking; I'm married and no one would want me anyway. And now, after thinking I'd never experience those wonderful feelings ever again, I found them. You have no idea how that changed me. I feel like a completely different person now - I have loads of confidence (I've noticed more and more women at work making eye contact with me and noticing me), I have a renewed faith that it will happen over and over, AND most importantly, I know how to recognize these feelings early on. I know it's not gonna be easy or anytime soon, but I know it'll happen.

I realise that statistically speaking there must be thousands of other near-perfect girls out there. But I spent decades finding one that I really like, so the probability that I'll find another one soon is very slim. And right now, I don't even want to look for someone else...

I totally understand. I believe everything happens ( or doesn't happen) for a reason. I you were meant to be with this girl, it would happen, and it still could. Soon? I never said you find someone else soon. Shoot, took me 18 years to even realize such strong feelings for someone could be felt again. I don't want to wait another 18 years to find these feelings again, but I will if I have to.

I know you don't want to look for anyone else right now, and you don't have to. When my girl told me she had no feelings for me and I need to let go and find someone else, I felt the exact same heartbreaking, heart wrenching, soul ripping, agonizing pain I did when my high school sweetheart left me; so much so that I just wanted to never ever see her or talk to her or even hear her name (girl at work), but unfortunately, I still had to see her every day and talk to her everyday cause we still work together (and only about 4 feet apart for almost the entire day), and I sure ad hell didn't want to find anyone else, or even be with my own wife.

But I also learned that all that pain and agony and suffering fades and I'd be able to look once again once the divorce is finalized. Even though me and my co-worker seem to have drifted apart, we are still very close and can tell each other anything. And she is ok knowing how much I love her and still being friends (so she says. I think my feelings for her scare her as much as they scare me).

Have you told the girl about your feelings for her? My wife is probably way wrong, but she says if you tell someone that you love them and they don't run away, then they have some feelings for you. I don't buy it - I am horrible at reading between the lines so I take spoken (or typed) words at face value. My girl says she doesn't have any feelings for me, so I have to believe that till she tells me otherwise. Hope this helps.

[Jolicoeur]

Make no mistake - it was a long and rocky road. I waited 20 years to get her, but she was worth the wait.

Did you know her for all those years and waited? Or did you look for someone and find your wife after 20 years of unsuccesful relationships?

maxmax, what do you mean that love is blind?

When you're in love, you don't always think and act sensibly. Your brain deludes you and hides your loved one's imperfections. Hence the metaphor: love is blind.

Nope I think about her day and night still. (...) I've just accepted the fact that we'll be nothing more than friends.

How can you cope with that? I feel like there is something I need to do. Some plan that will change my chances for the better. If it fails I will lose her out of sight forever.

And when she comes around ( and I know she will)

See, that's what I don't understand. She's within your grasp, and yet you seem to give up? Why not wait? Why not hope? I told you before: I think you are very lucky.

I know I will because I once thought I found the one and only and could never ever experience those feelings ever again. I mean honestly, how often does time stop the first time you see someone? (...) And now, after thinking I'd never experience those wonderful feelings ever again, I found them. You have no idea how that changed me.

This is like a gold prospector who found the richest vein of ore he's ever come across, unfortunately just out of reach, and decides to go digging somewhere else for another incredible rare find.

If it makes little sense to wait for a near-perfect girl I'll probably never have, to me it makes even less sense to hope to find another one in the next decade or two.

I believe everything happens ( or doesn't happen) for a reason. I you were meant to be with this girl, it would happen, and it still could.

Predestiny? Devine intervention? Karma? Sorry, I don't believe in those things. Even if we live in a deterministic world, even if free will is an illusion like some philosophes argue, I still think that our actions at least partially determine or prevent our future.

When my girl told me she had no feelings for me (...) I sure ad hell didn't want to find anyone else (...). But I also learned that all that pain and agony and suffering fades

I know you're right. It is much like mourning. But the idea alone that I might forget is unsettling. If I could take a pill to stop feeling for her, I think I wouldn't take it.

Have you told the girl about your feelings for her?

I can't. She's in a relationship. I don't break up couples. Maybe she knows? I do my best not to show, but I don't want to underestimate her intuition.

My wife is probably way wrong, but she says if you tell someone that you love them and they don't run away, then they have some feelings for you.

I think she has a point. However, some people don't have the luxery to run away. Your coworker probably can't, but if you are right, she does harbor some feelings for you. You said you think she will come around eventually.

The girl I love has to leave, unless I stop her. If I freak her out, she will have two reasons to run.

I don't buy it - I am horrible at reading between the lines so I take spoken (or typed) words at face value. My girl says she doesn't have any feelings for me, so I have to believe that till she tells me otherwise.

I am far from an expert, but I know women (and people in general) don't always say what they mean, especially when emotions are involved. Without thinking too hard, I can come up with half a dozen reasons why your coworker says she isn't romantically interested in you.

[muddblood]

WOW!!! So many thoughts and feelings and emotions. I'll try to answer them all, so forgive me if I miss some.

When you're in love, you don't always think and act sensibly. Your brain deludes you and hides your loved one's imperfections. Hence the metaphor: love is blind.

Ok, I get it now, and yes I totally agree.

How can you cope with that? I feel like there is something I need to do. Some plan that will change my chances for the better. If it fails I will lose her out of sight forever.

It’s not easy, not by any means. I say go for it and just tell her how you feel, and give her the option of staying with you or leaving with her boyfriend. Don’t say things like leave him for me or it’s me or him, cause that will most likely make her run. Just say something like, (Insert name here) I have very strong feelings for you, or I think I love you (that’s what I used) and I will miss you dearly when you leave. Obviously, use your own words and add more, but that’ll get you started. If you’re kind and gentle and thoughtful, she’ll get real quiet and confused, especially if she has a clue that you love her or has feelings for you. If you do nothing, you’ll never know, and REALLY be kickin yourself.

See, that's what I don't understand. She's within your grasp, and yet you seem to give up? Why not wait? Why not hope? I told you before: I think you are very lucky.

She is not within my grasp. She still has a boyfriend, I am still married, we work together on the same team, and apparently, I am too tall. I say she’s ALMOST perfect because she has 2 major characteristics that I don’t know I can live with: She smokes and I do not and really don’t know if I can be with a smoker, and I am real big into mountain biking and she absolutely hates it. I want someone I can go with, someone to motivate me to go, and someone to challenge me. I keep telling myself I could live with this, but I don’t know if I could or would want to.

This is like a gold prospector who found the richest vein of ore he's ever come across, unfortunately just out of reach, and decides to go digging somewhere else for another incredible rare find.

If it makes little sense to wait for a near-perfect girl I'll probably never have, to me it makes even less sense to hope to find another one in the next decade or two.

I spent the past 18 years believing beyond a shadow of doubt that I had my one true love and could never find that kind of love again. I fell in love with this girl at work, she says not gonna happen, and I know I can find these feelings again and again. So basically, I went from true, deep, passionate, head over heels love, to knowing it will never happen, to it did happen, to it can happen again.

Predestiny? Devine intervention? Karma? Sorry, I don't believe in those things. Even if we live in a deterministic world, even if free will is an illusion like some philosophes argue, I still think that our actions at least partially determine or prevent our future.

Right, just my beliefs, but at the same time I believe 100% in free will.

I know you're right. It is much like mourning. But the idea alone that I might forget is unsettling. If I could take a pill to stop feeling for her, I think I wouldn't take it.

I wish I could take a pill and stop feeling everything, or like in the movie Vanilla Sky, start erasing my memories.

I think she has a point. However, some people don't have the luxery to run away. Your coworker probably can't, but if you are right, she does harbor some feelings for you. You said you think she will come around eventually.

My girl could very easily stop talking to me and me being the inscure pansy I am, I’d let her. I’d do anything for her, including stop talking to her if that’s what she wanted. We weren’t always open and honest and talking to each other, I’m sure if she could decide to be that way again, and I’d have to abide.
I hate assuming things, but when I do, I assume the worst and therefore I assume her words to be true. Coming around eventually is the hope that she will. Actually, i was in the same situation like 15 years ago: I had feelings for the girl next door (litterally), made plenty of advances toward her, even when we were both single, and she kept refusing me, and we stayed close friends for 20+ years. But now, 20 years later, she says, yeah, I had/have feelings for you and yeah things could have happened and still could. WTF? I KNEW she had feelings for me, just like I KNOW this other girl has feelings for me. AND in her defense (girl I work with) we really never had the chance (yet) to explore a relatinship.

The girl I love has to leave, unless I stop her. If I freak her out, she will have two reasons to run.

She doesn’t HAVE to leave, she is choosing to leave. No way you could go with/after her?

I am far from an expert, but I know women (and people in general) don't always say what they mean, especially when emotions are involved. Without thinking too hard, I can come up with half a dozen reasons why your coworker says she isn't romantically interested in you.

It don’t matter. If we could be together, it’d probably end anyway and I’d lose one hell of a friend. I’m ok if we stay friends, I just gotta keep looking, that’s all.
Hey Joicouer, if you prefer, we can take this out of the forum and pm or email each other, might be easier.

[aspie guy]

Love is a subjective concept. It is different to everyone.

A religious man may say that love is a divine connection between two people, a spiritual man may say that love is a spiritual thing and a atheist scientist may say that love has do with electrical brain states and hormones and stuff.

Wikipedia says there are at least four different kinds of loves: platonic (between friends) religious (the love of God), romantic (between a man and a woman), familial, parental etc...

Whatever love really is, I know I'm not yet ready to find out but I think that someday I will know what it is.

[muddblood]

Thanks for the reply aspie guy. So then is it possible to have a divine connection with someone, a spiritual connection AND the electrical state of the brain all for the same person? Would that be the type of love I feel for this girl I work with? Types of love? Yeah I saw that along with many other types of love, such as empty love, non love, infatuated love...([url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love]Triangular theory of love - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/url]). I am really just confused as to what my marriage is missing and why I found whatever I did in this girl at work. If I didn't love my wife to some degree, it'd be easy to kick her out or leave myself, but it's so hard to do either of those.

Why do you say that you are not ready for love? I read somewhere online (some soulmate website somewhere) that people choose to be in relationships they know will fail. Do you think that is true?

[saveamarriage]

I cant explain what love is. It is something that just comes over us. And it is very very powerful. But amazing

[Jolicoeur]

Hey Joicouer, if you prefer, we can take this out of the forum and pm or email each other, might be easier.

I was thinking the same thing. It's just that I'm hoping to hear advice from other people too.

I'll send you a PM shortly. Thanks man.

There is this interesting comment of yours though I'd like other people's (especially women's) opinion about:

I had feelings for the girl next door (litterally), made plenty of advances toward her, even when we were both single, and she kept refusing me, and we stayed close friends for 20+ years. But now, 20 years later, she says, yeah, I had/have feelings for you and yeah things could have happened and still could. WTF? I KNEW she had feelings for me.

Could I quote you and start a tread in the Ask a Female Forum forum?

Oh, and my username is Jolicoeur. It's the name of a little monkey in Hector Malot's Sans Famille (Enlish title 'Alone in the World'), a sad story about an orphan who's looking for his family. The monkey's name literally means 'Beautiful Heart'. I thought this was particularly fitting in a forum about love.

[muddblood]

I was thinking the same thing. It's just that I'm hoping to hear advice from other people too.

Sure, totally understand. You could post all this in your own posting and probably get more advise.

I'll send you a PM shortly. Thanks man.

Excellent, I look forward to it!

There is this interesting comment of yours though I'd like other people's (especially women's) opinion about:

Could I quote you and start a tread in the Ask a Female Forum forum?

Sure, you can quote me. Just let me know where it is cause I'd be interested in that post too. Also, if you quote me and make any money off it, I want my cut, not much, 80% or so.

Oh, and my username is Jolicoeur. It's the name of a little monkey in Hector Malot's Sans Famille (Enlish title 'Alone in the World'), a sad story about an orphan who's looking for his family. The monkey's name literally means 'Beautiful Heart'. I thought this was particularly fitting in a forum about love.

Jolicoeur, that's awesome! You DO seem to have a beautiful heart so it fits.

[Jolicoeur]

Excellent, I look forward to it!

You've got mail.

Sure, you can quote me. Just let me know where it is cause I'd be interested in that post too.

[URL="http://www.loveforum.net/ask-female-forum/57274-nontrivial-pursuit.html#post740494"]Here[/URL] is the tread.

Also, if you quote me and make any money off it, I want my cut, not much, 80% or so.

[muddblood]

I might want to start a new thread on this, but another question or two then: How do you know you're IN LOVE with someone? I've heard people say I love him/her but not in IN LOVE with him/her. Is it possible then to be IN LOVE with someone and not love them? I still can't figure out why I stayed with the same woman for 15 years and now I'm ready to leave just because SOMETHING is missing. But whatever this SOMETHING is, it's very powerful.

[muddblood]

For all that's following along -Ii spoke to a lawyer this week and he says I cannot kick her out; either she has to leave willingly or I have to leave willingly. She's not budging, so looks like I am leaving. Time to sell the house!

[Kyrina]

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/ask-female-forum/58560-loving-someone-vs-being-love-them.html#post755110[/url]

check this thread may help,

[muddblood]

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/ask-female-forum/58560-loving-someone-vs-being-love-them.html#post755110[/url]

check this thread may help,

THANK YOU!!! I will check this out and read it thoroughly over and over.

[aspie guy]

Love is when you go to extreme measures to protect someone against those who wish him unwell and this person is more important to you than even your own life.

This kind of caring is kinda hard to find in our money-obsessed world, where people do not really care much about someone else.

[muddblood]

Love is when you go to extreme measures to protect someone against those who wish him unwell and this person is more important to you than even your own life.

This kind of caring is kinda hard to find in our money-obsessed world, where people do not really care much about someone else.

Thanks. The more I read and hear about what love is and what being in love is, the more I think I never loved my wife and it makes me feel the decision to divorce is the right one. Just really mad at myself for letting it go on for so long.