What is Love?

[muddblood]

Hello all. I just signed up cuz I too need a good place to vent and even some advise here and there. I'll post my story later, but for now, my main dilemma is I'm even sure what love is. I've been with the same girl for 15+ years, but about 7 months ago, I think I fell in love with this girl at work I say I think I fell in love with her because the feelings I have for her are the same I had for my high school sweetheart, but I've only ever felt this way for 2 people so far. So my questions are:

What is love?
How do people know they love someone?
How do they know they DON'T love someone?

Maybe I have a very obscure view of love, so just want to see what other people say. For me, love is devoting my life to making someone happy; doing anything to make her want to stay; giving up things so she can have what she wants; hurting myself (emotionally) when I hurt her. I've only had a handful of relationships, most lasting 6 months or less, and like I've said before, I've only ever felt this way about 2 people, and not one of those is my wife. Obviously, very confused and need insight. Thanks in advance.

[devonbrown]

When they don't cheat on their significant other of 15+ with a floosy at work. Get your priorities in line, man...

[muddblood]

When they want to spend time together and enjoy each others interests. Show each other new things and explore things together. When you don't love someone, you don't want to do those things.

Lovehearts, interesting. Well, now that I think think about it, we never really did enjoy each others interests - she likes to stay home and inside and read and I like to go out and do things and not be home; home is boring. We did enjoy spending time together in the beginning, but i think that's because neither one of us wanted to be alone.

DevonBrown - go eff yourself!!! I NEVER said I cheated and for the record SHE is the one that has slept with 2 other guys since we've been married. If you're not gonna help shut your damn pie hole.

Can ya tell I'm very distressed and emotional?

[muddblood]

Hiya, well you need to find your soulmate, someone who wants to do everything with you and doesn't mind when you need your space. Soul mates share the same interests, hobbies and never want to be without each other. They aren't intimidated by one another or threatened and generally find a balance, so are able to get along better.

I absolutley agree. SO, here is the abridged version of my story, might help to understnd me better: I was deeply, truly, 100%head over heels in love with a girl I met and dated in high school and (back then) thought she was the one and only one for me, even proposed and she accected (2 weeks later). But I messed up, told her about it and she left, and I honestly thought that since she was the one that I'd never love again (even told her that), and so I compromised and married my wife after 5 years of dating. Well low and behold, this girl I work with THAT I DID NOT CHEAT WITH, made me realize that I could find those feelings I once had and so your absolutely right, I need to find my soulmate. Of course the problem is I am married, with a house i just bought last year, and I have 2 kids, and she has no job, has never had a stable job/career, and has no intention of getting one it seems (even though she has her master's degree in English). I was a huge mess back then (not due to drugs, just emotionally), but i think I'm finally starting to get things straightened out.

And so in order for me to find my soulmate, I need to leave my wife, which I cannot do because I need to make sure she is going to be ok finacially. And yes, pretty sure this girl at work is not my soulmate, but she is so darn close! I've been looking online about soulmates and love and stuff, and I found one site that said make a list of qualities I want and prioritize them and then decide what I'd be willing to give up for my soulmate. The whole giving up qualities is throwing me for a loop because if I do find my soulmate, I should not have to give anything up, right? And with this girl at work, I'd be giving up 2 major qualitites, but it doesn't matter because she has already vowed to be nothing more than friends.

Anywho, thank you Lovehearts! I look forwad to hearing from you again!

[LoneWolfie]

Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!

(Omg, i trolled....i will go to hell now)

But seriously for a sec. Loving someone is when you want someone to be happy and you greatly care about this person. If this is romantic/partner love it means you want to share your life with this person and make this person your 'full time friend and part time lover'. If monogamy is your thing than this is that one person you want to commit yourself to and start a family with, you want to see the world and grow old together.

Being IN love is when your brain stops working properly and your entire life seems to suddenly revolve around this person who seems perfect and superhuman in your eyes. You want to spend 24/7 with this person and wear out the bedsprings with him/her. But this fades after a few months, or years. Then you come down to earth and realise the person you left your previous partner for is no better, maybe even worse. Bein in love is like being drugged, it can seriously make you do stupid things and when you come down from your high you realise what mistakes you made.

Falling in love is nature's device to ensure initial attraction and hormone induced 'commitment' to each other so you get to know each other and start making babies. Actual love comes after this and this is the kind of love that helps us raise our babies into healthy stable and safe children and for some people also help them live a meaningful happy life, depending on your view on monogamy and love.

Sadly, when we switch to being in a commited long term relationship with a partner, that falling in love instinct can still randomly kick in.

[muddblood]

Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!

(Omg, i trolled....i will go to hell now)

But seriously for a sec. Loving someone is when you want someone to be happy and you greatly care about this person. If this is romantic/partner love it means you want to share your life with this person and make this person your 'full time friend and part time lover'. If monogamy is your thing than this is that one person you want to commit yourself to and start a family with, you want to see the world and grow old together.

Being IN love is when your brain stops working properly and your entire life seems to suddenly revolve around this person who seems perfect and superhuman in your eyes. You want to spend 24/7 with this person and wear out the bedsprings with him/her. But this fades after a few months, or years. Then you come down to earth and realise the person you left your previous partner for is no better, maybe even worse. Bein in love is like being drugged, it can seriously make you do stupid things and when you come down from your high you realise what mistakes you made.

Falling in love is nature's device to ensure initial attraction and hormone induced 'commitment' to each other so you get to know each other and start making babies. Actual love comes after this and this is the kind of love that helps us raise our babies into healthy stable and safe children and for some people also help them live a meaningful happy life, depending on your view on monogamy and love.

Sadly, when we switch to being in a commited long term relationship with a partner, that falling in love instinct can still randomly kick in.

Can't you have all this rolled into one person? A soulmate per say? Someone you want to grow old with and raise happy, healthy good kids with and want to be happy and greatly care about? My view of love is doing anything and everything to make my partner happy, but I don't feel that way toward my wife. I did feel that for my high school sweetheart AND I do for this girl at work.

And so more of my story: With my high school sweetheart (hss for short), it broke my heart to say no to her or stand up for myself or argue with her, so much to the point that I ran off bawling my eyes out a few times. And after she left me, I wanted someone that I could say no to and someone that I could stand up to and argue with and not hurt myself in the process. THAT is what I have with my wife and THAT is what I think is missing. I don't know what to call this, but some have called this passion.

Oh and my hss? Time physically stopped when I first saw her. I remember it like it was yesterday: It was about 2-3 mins before classes start in my senior year of high school. I was in class waiting for the bell to ring and realized I forgot something in my locker. So I was kinda hurrying through the super loud and crowded hallway and looked to my left, saw her with what seemed the light of God shinning on her, and I remember the sound just stopped and I felt like I was floating and it was just her and I there. This lasted for about 1-2 seconds, and this has never ever happened again. People say I will know instantly when I meet my soulmate, so it better beat stopping time. Maybe I'll pass out or something. Thanks for a plausible reply, I really appreciate it!
Yes, I do believe in monogamy, even though it was me that suggested an open marriage and actually convinced my wife to have one.

[muddblood]

Hello again, I think you would instantly know if you met your soul mate, you would just gel straight away and would want to do everything together. Soulmates share the same visions and goals and do everything together like best friends. Maybe show her some of the stuff you have found.

See above post. My wife reads 24/7 and is living her life by what she reads. She believes in multiple soulmates and staying together and making everyone miserable and only cares about herself. She thinks I am delusional and chasing an illusion because that is what her books tell her to believe. Even the kids like me better(they tell me that all the time). We used to be more in tune, when we were dating, and we both agree that that I went downhill the day we got married. I knew it was a mistake and I think she did too.

[pisces25]

Ahh stop with the soulmate shit. You are living in fantasy land. If you don't want to be with your wife anymore just leave her.

[muddblood]

Ahh stop with the soulmate shit. You are living in fantasy land. If you don't want to be with your wife anymore just leave her.

Soulmate, Soulmate, Soulmate, Soulmate, Soulmate, Soulmate, Soulmate, Soulmate!!!! Just kidding. It will happen as soon as I/we figure out living arrangements. So pisces25, you don't believe in soulmates?

[muddblood]

Well maybe you could try and mend your relationship with her. Having multiple soul mates is like having multiple lovers, maybe there is too much temptation around her. It's more fun with one person.

That's what she wants, but I just feel love is missing and always has been, hence the question "What is love?". If we do/did love each other, why are we always looking for other people and "falling in love" with other people? One of the people she slept with, she had met on myspace and emailed, chatted, texted and called each other for like 5 years and she admitted to falliing in love with him. If love were part of our marriage, true love, would we not allow ourselves to fall in love with others?

I have very, very little experience with dating and relationships and love and feelings, and I seek the thoughts and advice of others. I dated my hss for a year and a half, was single for about a year, and met my wife and been with her ever since (5 years of dating, 10 years of marriage). There hasn't been any other long term, serious relationships for me.

[pisces25]

Soulmate, Soulmate, Soulmate, Soulmate, Soulmate, Soulmate, Soulmate, Soulmate!!!! Just kidding. It will happen as soon as I/we figure out living arrangements. So pisces25, you don't believe in soulmates?

Absolutely not.

[maxmax]

Absolutely not.

Sure there are people we are going to connect with on many levels. Statistically, it's going to happen sooner or later.

But soulmates? In the sense that someone who is meant for you, just waiting because the universe wills it ... no.

Unless you're someone who believes in Father Christmas, or the Tooth Fairy, then maybe.

[muddblood]

Absolutely not.

Why? Not trying to start an argument or anything, just want any and all thoughts and advice I can possibly get.

[Jolicoeur]

SHE is the one that has slept with 2 other guys since we've been married. (...) I need to leave my wife, which I cannot do because I need to make sure she is going to be ok finacially.

I don't understand you, man. How can you live with someone whom cheated on you twice, and still care enough to think about her financial needs?

I could understand if you would do it for the children. But the wife? Are you in some kind of open relationship? Did you discuss this with her before you got married?

Frankly, I would go nuts!

Why? Not trying to start an argument or anything, just want any and all thoughts and advice I can possibly get.

The idea of the soul mate comes from greek mythology. Zeus cut the soul of men in two as a punishment because they sided with the titans. Since then people are doomed to search for their other half: the soul mate.

If you believe in this kind of thing, then whatever. But otherwise, it's just hokus pokus.

That said, I am convinced you can love and respect someone mutually for a life time. It is rare, but it exists.

[muddblood]

Jolicoeur - Yes we decided to have an open marriage about a year or so in to it. Why? Because I knew it was wrong and I want her to be free to find someone else. Plus, I used the "Just in case" clause - I didn't want the marriage to end just in case something happened. But yeah, I think if I truly loved her (and if she truly loved me) there'd be no need for an open marriage, and no desire to be with someone else. But how can people stay together for 15+ years that don't love each other? I've been asking myself this question for a very long time. It's definitely NOT a financial decision to stay with my wife for so long - she has done nothing to contribute the things we have. It's not an emotional decision because I've never had an emotional connection with her. It's not a love thing because I'm not IN LOVE with her. I really think it's because I didn't want to be alone and we got along really well.

I feel obligated to take care of her because she is my wife, I've been doing it for 10 years or so, and she is the mother of my children. Honestly, I want to leave because of the kids. They need to know true, deep, passionate love, and they are not getting that now.

Yes, I've read the origin of soulmates and the history of soulmates, and I am not real sure what I believe. I do however believe that there is one person out there for me, one person that I want to, and will, spend the rest of my life with. It would be so totally awesome if I could find a female version of myself though.

Please don't take the wrong way, I greatly appreciate the thoughts and comments, but this thread seems to have turned into a soulmate discussion rather then what love is. Soulmate is just a word to me - I want to know how to identify love, and how others describe love. Surely somebody (other than LoneWolfie and Lovehearts) has to have an opinion on what love is?