Why do I always chase the bad boy.

[brandnew]

Hi there! I'm a 20 year old girl and I have a bit of a problem when it comes down to dating. A couple of months ago me and a guy started hooking up. I really liked him and to me it was more then just sex, we had a great connection and it was always so much fun when we were together. He was one of the first guys I was with whom I could actually be myself around for 100%, and he seemed to like it. I didn't know if I wanted to start a relationship with him cause I did feel that there wasn't actually steaming love between us, it was more like a super close friendship with benefits, but I did realize I was starting to like him more everytime I saw him. Since he wasn't done with his ex yet, he told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me cause he thought that wasn't right. I was pretty hurt but for some reason we still hung out, mostly because he kept telling me he didn't think he and his ex would work out (she was studying abroad the whole 5 months I was with him, and came back a week before I left to Asia for 2 months) when she would come back and that he didn't know if he liked her more than me. He kept giving me mixed signs but it was clear he didn't like me as much as I liked him. His ex came back and told him she didn't think it would work out anymore, on which he surprisingly reacted pretty hurt. I figured he didn't like her that much anymore, but he told me that when he saw her again old feelings came back and he thought he might be still in love with her. I told him to sort himself out, I also told him I was kind of falling for him but wasn't sure about my feelings either. I kind of wanted him to know I liked him but at the same time I wasn't even sure myself. We said goodbye and I left to Asia. I thought of him a lot while I was out there and realized what I was doing to myself, and I didn't want him to use me as his little **** doll anymore. I wanted everything or nothing, I was done with the game. I thought he'd at least ask me to hook up with him again once I got back so I could ask him if this was all he wanted, cause if it was I didn't think it would be a good idea to hang out with him anymore.

Since I got back he talked to me once through facebook messages, it was a fun conversation and he seemed really interested, but that was almost a week ago. He hasn't made the effort to call me or ask me to hang out, when I saw him last night he seemed happy to see me, but we didn't really have a great conversation as I was nervous and didn't know what to say. He basically just waved and walked off. Do you think I should take the initiative and ask him to hang out? I don't want to look like a desperate loser, but I'm really not the kind of person to wait around. I'd rather just tell him how I feel and see his reaction although it seems pretty obvious to me that this guy is not interested. I'm left with these stupid feelings and can't stop thinking of all the fun stuff we did. The problem is, I don't know if it's just the thrill of the chase or if I am actually in love with him. All my friends say I am, but I'm really good at fooling myself and making myself think I'm in love.

I'm pretty lost, and I've been hurt by these sort of guys in the past. I'm done with these bad boys who are only out to break my heart but for some reason I love chasing them and I love a challenge. And it's not like this guy is some ugly weirdo who I just like because he doesn't want me, there is a huge part of me that likes him for him but I'm also sure there's a part of me that only wants him cause I can't have him. I don't get why "love" works like that? I'm scared I'm always going to put myself in this position and that it's not gonna give me a good boyfriend. Does anyone have advice on how I knock some sense in my head before I make a complete fool of myself?

[Wakeup]

Hi there! I'm a 20 year old girl and I have a bit of a problem when it comes down to dating.

If you are doing booty calls and friends with benefits and you want more than being someones fk friend then STOP allowing yourself to be someone's fk friend.

A couple of months ago me and a guy started hooking up.

Stop doing that. Stop 'hooking up' wait to have sex until they've introduced you to their friends and at least DON'T HAVE AN EX THAT THEY STILL ARE IN LOVE WITH.

I really liked him and to me it was more then just sex,

Yea to YOU it meant more than sex. In that case, the minute he told you he didn't want to be in a relationship with you because he was still involved with his "ex" you should have told him how you feel, let him know that you couldn't fk him anymore because of that and then wish him well. Bubbye!

we had a great connection and it was always so much fun when we were together. He was one of the first guys I was with whom I could actually be myself around for 100%, and he seemed to like it. I didn't know if I wanted to start a relationship with him cause I did feel that there wasn't actually steaming love between us, it was more like a super close friendship with benefits, but I did realize I was starting to like him more everytime I saw him.

If you started to like him more everytime you saw him, then why didn't you have a conversation with him about how HE was feeling and if it wasn't the same way you were, then you could have started to distance yourself until you were a little more indifferent to him.

Since he wasn't done with his ex yet, he told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me cause he thought that wasn't right.

Yet he thought it was "right" to use you for a warm wet place to masturbate while his heart belonged to someone else. Ugh. What is wrong with you girls that you have no self-worth and you'll settle for someone who doesn't really want you? You either keep it as just sex or you break it off if you catch feelings and they are'nt reciprocated.. Staying will make you miserabler one fk at a time until you have very littly self-esteem left.

I was pretty hurt but for some reason we still hung out, mostly because he kept telling me he didn't think he and his ex would work out (she was studying abroad the whole 5 months I was with him, and came back a week before I left to Asia for 2 months) when she would come back and that he didn't know if he liked her more than me. He kept giving me mixed signs but it was clear he didn't like me as much as I liked him.

WHY oh WHY would you wait aroung for him like that? A "Call me when you're over your ex and if I'm still single maybe we can DATE to see where this might go." Would have done your self-worth a hell of a boost.

His ex came back and told him she didn't think it would work out anymore, on which he surprisingly reacted pretty hurt. I figured he didn't like her that much anymore, but he told me that when he saw her again old feelings came back and he thought he might be still in love with her. I told him to sort himself out, I also told him I was kind of falling for him but wasn't sure about my feelings either. I kind of wanted him to know I liked him but at the same time I wasn't even sure myself. We said goodbye and I left to Asia. I thought of him a lot while I was out there and realized what I was doing to myself, and I didn't want him to use me as his little **** doll anymore. I wanted everything or nothing, I was done with the game. I thought he'd at least ask me to hook up with him again once I got back so I could ask him if this was all he wanted, cause if it was I didn't think it would be a good idea to hang out with him anymore.

You should have had that conversation the minute you allowed the lust to confuse you and you thought you were in love with him. Don't mistake a guy's lust for love. You'll end up hurt everytime. He was perfectly honest with you but you didn't listen to him tell you that you were'nt, in his eyes, relationship material but you'd do to scratch an itch.

Since I got back he talked to me once through facebook messages, it was a fun conversation and he seemed really interested, but that was almost a week ago. He hasn't made the effort to call me or ask me to hang out, when I saw him last night he seemed happy to see me, but we didn't really have a great conversation as I was nervous and didn't know what to say. He basically just waved and walked off. Do you think I should take the initiative and ask him to hang out?

Fk you don't learn much do you? Why would you start up the same thing again.. You do that and its telling him that you're willing to be in the same dynamic as you were before Let him ask you for a bloody change, and then you are in the power seat and you can tell him that you'd like to do something together outside like a date and not just screw.

I don't want to look like a desperate loser, but I'm really not the kind of person to wait around.

Then quit chasing him and stop waiting around because you've been doing that for FAR TOO LONG now. If he actually wants you let him call you and don't just fall into bed with him again if he does.

I'd rather just tell him how I feel and see his reaction although it seems pretty obvious to me that this guy is not interested. I'm left with these stupid feelings and can't stop thinking of all the fun stuff we did. The problem is, I don't know if it's just the thrill of the chase or if I am actually in love with him. All my friends say I am, but I'm really good at fooling myself and making myself think I'm in love.

DO NOT give your love to someone that isn't showing you any loving actions. He gives you ZERO indication that he is interested in anything anymore never mind just for sex.

Sex is not a loving action if all you have with him is sex. Talking and laughing before, during or after sex and that is all you have is not love. NEVER allow yourself to become vulnerable to someone who is only showing you attention when they want sex. No bonding rituals, no sleeping over in the same bed, no falling when they say they are still in love with their ex.

Go zero contact and you'll soon forget him as long as you don't cling to the memory of your sexcapades and think the lustful feelings they evoke is love.

Learn from this. You can't handle casual sex so don't be someone's casual sex partner again. Google "Limerence" (Wiki has a good read on it) and learn about what you're experiencing which is not love but more infatuation and lust.

I'm pretty lost, and I've been hurt by these sort of guys in the past. I'm done with these bad boys who are only out to break my heart but for some reason I love chasing them and I love a challenge. And it's not like this guy is some ugly weirdo who I just like because he doesn't want me, there is a huge part of me that likes him for him but I'm also sure there's a part of me that only wants him cause I can't have him. I don't get why "love" works like that? I'm scared I'm always going to put myself in this position and that it's not gonna give me a good boyfriend. Does anyone have advice on how I knock some sense in my head before I make a complete fool of myself?

I've answered how you can stop putting yourself in that position. Don't go to bed with them until they show you IN ACTIONS (not sexual actions) that they care about you and want you as a companion and partner and not just a sex aid. That's all you have to do, doll.

[brandnew]

thanks. that was harsh but I guess i had to hear it. you almost made me cry haha. I feel so stupid, I honestly knew everything you said already but I keep lying to myself it's pathetic. it's gonna be really hard but I'm going to try and distant myself. thank you.

[Wakeup]

I'm sorry I almost made you cry but I know from reading your story over and over that the only time one of you gals listens is if I shoot straight from the hip.

It will be hard for you to break the addiction of him at first, but eventually you will become less and less emotional about it all until you reach the stage of indifference. Chalk it up to a lesson learned and a good indicator of what you DON'T want. Once you know what you DO want, then you'll have a far better chance of meeting someone good for you. A nice guy with an edge who turns you on but will want you for all of you. Date lots, don't feel obligated to screw them just because they took you bowling *winkz* and when you find one that you feel a good connection with, wait for him to show you he cares about you..
If he doesn't respect your decision to wait then he's not the one for you. That's really all there is to it.

*hugs*

[jb1111983]

I will never understand why so many girls think sex leads to a relationship. For us blokes sex is just sex. Unless you're our girlfriend or we sincerely tell you we really like you, you shouldn't let us get into your pants if you're looking for a relationship. Please make sure a guy is into you before you sleep with him. Sorry we can be that evil.

[Vanessa]

It's better to have someone tell you how things are straight to the face that sugarcoat them and leave way for interpretation. Wakeup might be a bit harsh but she's a well of wisdom

Can't add much to what she said. You shouldn't have accepted the situation from the very start. Now that you've been through this you should know better in the future. Think twice before sleeping with a guy and don't go along with being FWB if you really want more. In the end it all comes down to what you want and what makes you feel best, don't settle for anything less hoping it will somehow transform in time. Good luck

[jb1111983]

when you find one that you feel a good connection with, wait for him to show you he cares about you..
If he doesn't respect your decision to wait then he's not the one for you. That's really all there is to it.

Very good advice.

Hope you'll do much better next time, OP. Good luck.

[HeartIsAching]

Everything Wakeup said is dead on. I can't add anything to that.