Relationship over after 3 1/2 years and am desperate

[lostabroad]

Hi all,

So my guy and I have a pretty complicated story. We met over 3 years ago while I was teaching English in Spain and fell in love right away. He is the first person I've ever been in love with. Everything happened very quickly, I went back to the states (just for 3 months to finish college) and him came to visit me. We were crazy about each other. Unfortunately during the time that he was visiting, his mom passed away back in Spain. I came back to Spain to be with him one month after this and we moved in together. Of course he was very depressed about this situation, but honestly living together was great, we were very much in love. After almost a year I decided to go back to the States to try and find a job. He came with me for 5 months. When I couldn't find a job I went back to Spain with him again. We've always lived together and were only apart 1 or 2 months here and there. Finally, after having lived in Spain a 2nd year, we both decided it was time for us to move back to the States, he wanted to be there as well. I found a job finally that started in September. He was so excited and we decided that he would come in October, we would get married and then stay there. With some very bad luck, he got denied entry at the border and never made it to be with me. It was the worst time of both our lives. I wanted to quit by job and go back to him and get married in Europe, but we both decided that it would be better for me to stay in the States and apply for a visa for him to come which was supposed to take no more than 6 months. Basically, after being seperated one whole year and only seeing each other once during that year, we decided to forget the visa which was taking so long and I had my job transfer me to Spain. He moved to Madrid for me because that is where my job transfered me. He got there about a month before me, got us an apartment, furniture, everything. When I arrived, it was different. We weren't as crazy in love as before. We both just thought we need some time becuase its normal after being apart that long. Then, after only having lived together 1 week, he decided he can't do it anymore and told me to find my own place. After only 1 week!! He wasn't willing to try and the only excuse he gave was that he can't make me happy becuase he can't make himself happy right now. He also told me he doesn't love me anymore, and that that kills him. I asked him if I should wait for him and he says he doesn't know.

It's been about 2 weeks now and I'm heart broken. I have told him multiple times that we should try it out and he doesn't want to. I think he is depressed becuase every time we see each other he cries and pushes me away, yet he always agrees to see me.

Is there anything I can possibly do to get him back? Do I just need to give him space? Or can we still see each other as friends? I know I can't beg him to take me back anymore and this only pushes him further away, but I do want him back and if there is even a tiny possiblity that it might happen, I want to try. I've asked him if he ever thinks he can love me again and he just says he doesn't know.

Any advice would be appreciated!!!

[TJDVAN]

Hello lostabroad,

Let me say how very sorry I am to hear about this awful situation. I have gone through something pretty similar the past two months (I have my own thread in this forum - Seven weeks and worse than ever - please help, which you can read if you are interested, but I don't want to speak of me too much when offering advice on your thread).

Firstly, do not do anything rash. Stay where you are for the time being. Not having friends and family near you is awful (I know) but make sure you speak to as many people as possible, all the time. It does help, even if you speak at them and not with them. Trust me on this. If you leave straight away you will still take all that emotional torment with you and although (being honest) it seems very unlikely that your partner will come back to you, perhaps you should be really sure that is the case before leaving.

Secondly, you cannot be friends. Again, I have learned this the hard way over the past two months. I will admit I have been weak (phoned in the middle of the night, begged, pleaded, even threatened emotional blackmail once or twice) but it does you no good, and trust me, it does not help your relationship either. I basically guilted my ex into seeing me, but all it did was make her feel extra guilty (not discover any love for me) and make me feel like absolute death. When you beg the one person in the world that you love with all your heart to stay and they look you in the eyes and say they no longer love you, it is soul destroying. It will set you back further. If he wants to come back to you, to love you, or even to try, it must be solely his decision anyway. I know it hurts like hell - to know you have planned your life around somebody else and feel that they don't even want to try for you (exactly my situation) - but the truth is simple: the joy that was put in your heart by this person was there because their love was given freely. If he stays to try for you when he doesn't want it, you will not have anything like the relationship you had before, and it will kill you a little more every day to see the person you love so deeply not return those affections. It really is the most horrible, horrible pain in the world.

OK, my advice for you for the next few days:

1: Do not call him. Call as many friends and family members as you can instead.
2: Keep going. Don't force yourself to do things you don't want, but do force yourself to go for a walk once a day.
3: Buy some good takeout food and eat it. It will make you feel better even if you can't face food. I didn't eat for four days after my ex left and lost my appetite. My best friend made me eat, ordered a takeaway, and I ate the whole thing and felt a lot better for it.
4: Plan a trip with someone close to you. Even if it is just a weekend somewhere low-key, and even if it is not for a few weeks, it will help you have something to look forward to. Believe me, any little ray of light will help you. It will also build perspective and help you see that there are other people in the world that can make you happy, even if it a lesser kind of happiness.
5: Watch some movies. Rather than moping in bed staring at the ceiling, you should mope in bed and watch something to take your mind off things, even if it is just for a few moments. Choose easy-going comedies - something like Little Miss Sunshine will make you laugh and also highlight how so many people have nightmare points in their lives but the love of others will see them through.

As I say, having been there myself, I really feel for you. It has been 8 weeks for me, and I too wake up every day on my own with a broken heart and in a foreign country without my friends and family to support me. I miss her every single day, and especially at night, but I am making progress (albeit small). You have to accept that your healing will take a long, long time, whatever happens. But things will get better. I have no doubt that these things leave permanent marks, but I do not regret for one second the chance I took to be with my ex, and you shouldn't either. Keep the faith that such bravery and love will bring you the good things it deserves in the future.

Good luck, and keep writing on here. That helps too.

[lostabroad]

Hi TJDVAN,

Thank you so much for your message of support. I did read your story and am really sorry to hear that as well. It's just so unfathomable how the same person who would look into your eyes and tell you they want to spend the rest of their lives with you and could never imagine being with anyone else would now say they don't feel the same. To be honest, I really wish I were on the other end right now. And of course all your friends and family tell you that you will be ok in time, but it doesn't do too much to help in the meantime. I know I shouldn't have hopes that he will come back to me, but I can't help it. I keep thinking that maybe if I just give him some space he will be reminded of what we had and how much he misses me. But I know this is a lost cause and I shouldn't think like that. And when we get together, I see him crying and telling me how hard the situation is for him, but I'm sure a great deal of that is his guilt. The worst is when I go out and see couples everywhere on the street, or every little thing reminds me of him and how happy we were. I'm sorry we're both going through this and it actually really scares me to see that you are still in such a hurt phase after 7 weeks, I thought I was just like this because it's so fresh.

Do you still have hopes that she will return to you? Does she ever initiate phone calls or chats or want to meet up?

Stay strong!

[TJDVAN]

Hi lostabroad,

I'm glad you replied. As I say, I found it helpful to constantly write down my feelings as well as speaking about them to friends and family.

I think I know almost exactly how you feel. In the first month or so I used to hate leaving the house because I'd see so many happy couples, and I suppose you might be feeling the same - the temptation is to be bitter because you look at them and think there is no way they feel for one another what you do for your partner, or that they would give up so much to be with the other person. But it doesn't help, and I'm pleased to say those feelings do quickly disappear.

To be honest, I suspect you will still feel as low and hurt after a lot more than 7 weeks. When you have genuinely made that commitment and given yourself with all your heart to someone else, it is going to take an awful long time to feel better about the fact that they walked out of your life. I find that the hardest thing to fathom - that this person you loved so deeply woke up one day and decided that their life would be better without you. But this brings me on to another thing you mentioned - you said you wish you were on the other side here. I wonder if you ever have been before? I ended a six-year-relationship to be with the girl who recently left me and it was a desperately sad thing to go through. But it has actually helped me deal with this a little bit, and maybe these words will help you too. Firstly, I know that the pain I felt in that situation was 90% guilt and 10% sadness for the fact that we hadn't made it when I had wanted to for many years. None of it was because I wasn't sure of my decision, and that should help - because however wretched it is to be in the situations we now find ourselves, there is no hope of getting somebody back so you have to let go. If they still love you and want to come back to you, they will, but no amount of effort on your part can ever lead them to that. Also, I loved this girl with everything I have, and I know you did the same with your ex from what you say and we should never feel sad about that or about the fact that we gave everything we had to make it work. If you hadn't, you would have always wondered, and as you know, you do not find such love in any old bar on a Friday night.

I am battling every day to move forwards, and to give you a crumb of comfort, I am doing a lot better 7 weeks on than I was initially. The sadness is just as great but the pain has eased, as people said it would, even if because after such a length of time it becomes natural to live your life alone. I no longer look for her when I come home, or when I wake up, which is definitely progress, however small.

Do I still hope she will return to me? I wish I was strong enough to say that I have made peace with the fact that she is not coming back, but that would be a lie. I still hope that she will return, and I suspect I always will. I will always miss her, no matter what my life evolves into, or whoever else I meet along the way. I should say though that I do not think she ever will. In my heart, I know that she is almost certainly gone, because - again - I have been on the other side of this and know what it takes to break up with someone with whom you have shared and given so much over the years. It is not a decision taken lightly and I am sure both our partners were pretty sure before they delivered the news, however hard that is to hear. She has not been very communicative (in fact she has only been in touch when we have had to sort something logistical out, like bank accounts, house leases, furniture, that sort of thing) but has been fair and is clearly very sad to have hurt me so much. I am sure your ex feels the same, but from what you say I suspect it really is just guilt and nothing more. I have bumped into her every now and again, completely by chance, and that has left me in a hole for a couple of days. It hurts so much to see her apparently doing very well on her own.

I suspect that you will feel ups and downs very regularly. I actually began to feel better after three weeks or so but it only lasted a few days and then I hit the bottom again. This is totally normal, so you should be prepared to go backwards a few times as you make progress. Often you feel awful for no particular reason, but again, that is part of the process.

As you say, stay strong, focus on something, anything, that you enjoy and in time the little things will perk you up, bit by bit. Watch some movies, and keep writing if you like. Even two months after my girlfriend left it makes me feel a little better to talk to people who are experiencing similar things. As you say, try to stay strong!

[PainfulLonging]

You were in love once, you can go back to that. Every love fades or the passion isnt as intense as in the beginning. Just ask the couple who has been married 20 years.