I'm writing here because I'm currently in one of my "despair" episodes. They happen from time to time. I will be going along living my normal life and suddenly it pops into my mind. The fact that my ex cheated on me. Now this only happened to me a like two months ago so it's fresh. I find it incredibly painful. I cannot even think about sexual things. When my friends make sexual jokes I feel pain. When I get aroused I feel pain, be it mental pain. I'm so emotionally hurt by this. I don't miss her that much, it's really just the pain of thinking that someone I trusted so much could do that to me. I was with her for three years. I cannot understand why she did that? Why she did it and tried to hang on to me? Why she lied about it for so long. Why when I knew she still wouldn't admit it and I had to force it out of her? Why she kept doing it? Why she never felt wrong for manipulating me so much? I know things I wish I didn't and I cannot erase them from my mind. I have a therapist but it's doesn't help at all. I fear I cannot connect to anyone on any level anymore. I can't make new friends because the moment I start opening up to anyone I just feel so distraught. There are days where I just want to sleep all day.
I don't know what the point of this post is. Just a vent mostly. Also a warning to those who think about cheating. I cannot describe the pain I am in thoroughly through text. I wish this on no one. It is by far too much for me at the moment. Don't be the cause of this...