Girlfriend's abusive ex still in her life in what I think is a major way, advice?

[Darkest Heaven]

Brief history that is relevant to this.

I met her in a night club. At the time, she was living with her ex, whom she still had sex with "only because it was easier to do it then tell him no because I had work in the morning".... At that point, and at the point she kissed me shortly after we met, their relationship was over They were still living together though because "I didn't want to lose that apartment because I liked it and I was on a lease". During the relationship and probably after, he physically abused her, I consider the sex rape as she clearly didn't want it, and locked her in the house so she couldn't get away to report him after she was abused.

Now, he lives in Texas, while we are in Ohio. I'm 22, she's 24, going to be 25 this September. She talks to him almost daily, he voices his opinions about me, which she usually hides from me to "avoid a fight". When we do talk about it, she says she can't control what he's saying and I can't control her and tell her not to talk to him.


So do I be the controlling asshole and possibly ruin the relationship? Do I grow a backbone and drop her for being good buddies with a criminal ex? Or do I stop feeling like shit because of this?

Sound and truthful advice, please. Thanks a lot in advance.

[bluesummer]

I don't get why she talks to him 'daily'. Seems a little hung up, dontcha think? Not something I would find particularly encouraging in a relationship. Plus, look at the guy.....he a class-A douchebag and she's being one of those ditzy retards that chases after those guys (and proabably complains about not meeting nice guys). Ugh. Do yourself a favour, get on with the inevitable and drop her already.

[Darkest Heaven]

Well, she's not a complete ditzy retard, but she always does say she's attracted to bad boys and then wonders why she gets treated like shit.

Inevitable, huh? That's harsh... I'm not sure if I agree yet.

[Darkest Heaven]

Just talked to her about it. She says it's insignificant for her and she will do nothing to improve the situation out of principal. She also called names, and got very angry.

I've known her for a few years and the relationship has been about 6 months total and this sucks, but I see why it is for the best.

[Radioboy]

I am in a similar situation. She left an emotionally abusive husband-----however her horses remained at 'their' farm. During our entire relationship, he has used her horses to manipulate her. I broke up with her a month ago because she had been acting weird all summer and would NOT talk to me about it. She made up an excuse about why she wouldn't be coming to my place for the usual weekend visit----but did it from inside HIS house. I was feeling extremely insecure and couldn't stand it any longer. I wasn't really planning on the break up being an actual 'goodbye' but I was desperate to get her attention that we were in trouble.

NOW------she will not resume the relationship because I pulled the same thing HE always did by just 'disposing' of her so easily. She didn't really fight it, and within 7 days we were talking again and I thought it was going to be okay. After day 10 she announced she was giving away the horses and I thought it was about the relationship and FINALLY cutting ties with him. She attended an event with me, hung on me like a curtain, and made out with me for a half hour after the program. After that, she stopped all contact later telling me that she was confused that I had 'thrown her away so easily just like he used to do' and now I was just playing with her. Now she needs 'time' to figure things out.

My point is------these women are damaged more than we can possibly understand. I want my old girlfriend back, but I don't see how that is going to happen. The ex is now suing her for selling her horses, even though that was agreed upon in the settlement. In my opinion, he's just freaking out because his excuse to contact her is gone. Interestingly---she kept saying over and over, "even if the horses are gone he will never leave me alone." I couldn't help but suspect that she did not WANT him to leave her alone. For some reason-----she seems to need that control, and don't understand how she left him in the first place. There are ways to keep him from bothering her-----but she won't do anything about it.

Good luck to you---- there is some kind of strange control these men have over these women, which really makes me wonder how she ever left in the first place. I have wrestled with this for over a year-and even though I am positive there isn't anything going on between them------he still has a strange control over her that in some ways is as bad as them having sex.

[shamandalie]

She really is damaged, mate. Having been in an abusive relationship myself I would never even go near the guy again. I wanted him out and I want him to stay that way. I couldn't imagine ever being friendly with him. I'm sorry to put it harshly but your girlfriend has got to be a f*cking masochist. And the worst part is, you can't change her. She enjoys being controlled by that asshole and she needs to be saved from herself by herself. I don't think that's gonna happen anytime soon so do yourself a favour and find a real honest relationship instead of this twisted sh*t.

[thebloodycoon]

Dude, you need to get out of this relationship. Read that thread about the Knight in the shining armour, and don't become one! You may want to save her and everything, but life is cruel and I think that the best decision for you is to move on with your life without her. You should definitely watch that movie 'Casino', see how DeNiro is acting like a fool for Sharon Stone while she is still contacting her ex asshole of boyfriend. You = DeNiro

[bluesummer]

Sorry to be harsh, I just call 'em as I see 'em.