Overly emotional guys?

[NeverDated]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 2 months. We got serious and exclusive quite fast. From the get-go, we were both extremely comfortable with each other. BUT we both ended very long term relationsips within the last year. I'm his first reationship since his split. We're both mid/late 20s.

Recently, he started confessing his love (and I have zero doubt he really believes it). He's always met with silence or the gentlest "I'm not ready for this" I can muster. When he gets like this, I almost feel smothered. It's not so much the length of the relationship - I'm a firm believer that when something's right it's just right - but that he gets so intense about his emotions. For example, he gets very flustered if I don't open up about life issues that have me down. I don't tend to open up, and he seems to be hurt by what he perceives to be mistrust. Yes, we've discussed it and the underlying issues, but it's almost like he thinks if I just trusted him MORE none of this would be a problem.

Back on topic, I've been tempted to return the "I love you" but can't bring myself to say it. I really feel "in love" but worry I'm confusing it with "in glow."

Sooo I'm not entirely sure what my question is. How badly am I hurting him by replying with silence? Why is he going this far emotionally this quickly? When we started sleeping together, about 3 weeks in, we had a very clear understanding that this was a casual, fun-until-not-fun relationship, and we'd see where it led. Is he just clingy or...what? I'm confused (obviously!) so please, someone offer some sense of this. :-)

[James Banes]

Nah, don't force yourself to love him. Just be honest with him. Tell him exactly how you feel and all the stuff you've told me in this post. If he starts to get upset then say, "Would you rather I lie to you and lead you on?" He might calm down when he hears that reasonable question.

Emotionally, you two haven't got over your last relationships. However, you're coping with it differently than he is. He's looking for someone to love to immediately fill his painful loss while you're looking to get over that loss before jumping into things.

From what I can tell, I don't see anyone right or wrong here. You're just acting on your emotions. Tell him straight out you want to take the relationship slow. If weeks pass and you still feel the same way then break it off.

Just remember, no guy wants a liar for a girlfriend, no matter how desperately he wants love.

[smackie9]

You are with the wrong guy. You both are not on the same page like you think you are. This is just the beginning of the end. You will be racked with guilt and feel crappy about it, and he will feel devastated you don't feel the same as he does. The pressure will be on, you will push away and things will fall to shi t.


I recommend you stay single for awhile and him too. He's hanging onto you like an emotional life preserver for the wrong reasons.

[NeverDated]

Thanks, James. He never gets openly upset, but I can see and hear some pain when he breaks the awkward silence. I worry that you're right and he's just jumping into this because I'm not "as bad" as his ex - he's never said that, but it's a concern for me.

I would break it off but I do genuinely care for him. Just not ready to apply the L word to it yet. Maybe my picker's just broken...

[James Banes]

It's not a good thing when your man wants love bad but you're sure you don't. Have you considered other men?

[NeverDated]

No, I haven't. I don't really want to. Until this started, I was perfectly content and happy with him. Really, I still am, but I don't like knowing he's being hurt by expecting something I'm not fully ready to give. :-(

[bulrush]

How badly am I hurting him by replying with silence?

A lot. Just explain to him you want to date him but you're not ready to say the "L" word.

Why is he going this far emotionally this quickly?

Some guys are very comfortable with their emotions. But some are players. Just watch out for red flags, like him being controlling, jealous, angry outbursts, deal-making ("Say I love you or I'll leave you"), etc.