Breakup letter - Really Need Help

[stripydan]

Hi everyone, here's my situation (an extremely hard one). I've been with a girl for 3 years and in March time she asked for some space and time. We had everything planned together like Marriage, children, growing old everything, she was my best friend and said I was her 'soulmate'. The last time I contacted her was in May and after that went to strict No Contact. It's been the hardest amount of pain i've ever had to go through.

Since that time she got much closer to her gay best friend which was very quick after the No Contact; she also started talking to other guys and this left me feeling devastated. Whether these are rebounds i'm not sure. I think if she came running back i'd think about it because she was my first girlfriend but it would be on my own terms and we would have a lot of work to do based on her actions. I did not react to anything even though her actions badly hurt me. It's now September, however after 4-5 months of my No Contact I received a handwritten letter from her in the post. The letter said she hopes i'm okay and doing well, but she doesn't feel able to continue a relationship because of her second year at Uni and her feelings changed and knows things wouldn't work out. Since that time we have not met up, called each other or initiated any direct contact. She is still on my facebook relationship status but feel like that'll change in the next week.

So after reading this letter, I felt a mixture of emotions again but i've tried to take the last two days to calm down and write a letter back. This is what i'm thinking to send and thought i'd see what you all think:

'Dear ____

Just wanted to let you know that I got your letter, I understand your decision to breakup and accept that it's the right thing to do. I recognise what went wrong and how that could have been mended.

I'm going to cut off communication from you for a while so we can both have a healthy distance. You are a great person and deserve the best - i'm sorry that things turned out the way they did and for having messed it all up.

Something really exciting has happened in my life and i'd like to share it with you, sometime. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for everything and hope that we can be friends in the future.

Dan'

Do you think this is a well written letter to send with my No contact so I can just move on? I've took a long time to think about what to write and feel this is the most civil way of ending a relationship. Even though the end was ugly and very difficult, the past had such good memories. For the last months of the relationship I felt like something was very wrong as she would have certain days where she would cry a lot. The last day we were together she cried all day and thought it was down to depression or something. Anyway, I know that friendship with her right now is not a good idea and i've acknowledged that.. but I still feel as though even that's all happened we both care a lot for each other and will always have a huge amount in common. I just feel like I need to fall out of my feelings first and getting over her completely will take a lot of time.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Don't waste your time responding. Keep moving on.

[Cerby]

Dan, you got that format from a website, I remember reading about the "tell them you have something exciting to tell them", this intrigues them into keeping contact.

As a sucker who once wrote a letter like that, keeping it brief, not bringing up the relationship, all that jazz from some guy on a website somewhere. . .Its not worth it, you won't get her back.

Don't send it, read it, keep it, and focus on moving on.

[surfhb]

The best response is none at all! Seriously! do not send that letter....move on. Its a break up.....weve all been there. You will survive! Find another girl and none of this will mean shit

[Wakeup]

Something really exciting has happened in my life and i'd like to share it with you, sometime. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for everything and hope that we can be friends in the future.

That is THE most manipulative piece of crap I have ever heard and If an ex of mine ever sent that to me I'd laugh my ass off as I tossed it in the trash. The very fact that she wrote you after having been NC is just as freaking manipulative.

If you can't be in a relationship then it's quite obvious you can't be so don't send a letter stating that fact. Ignore her snail mail and keep on carrying on in the NC... It's funny as hell that after 5 months of no contact she felt she had to tell you in writing that she can't be in a relationship with you. How ridiculous of her, forget she exists, ignore her letter, live happily every after without her. Do Not give her satisfaction by letting her know you received her crap. Just ignore it.

[stripydan]

Thanks for all your responses... and you are all right in what you say about staying in NC and it means I can focus just on healing much easier. I think in a non-direct sense it also says that the situation she put me in was cruel and that I have every right to be angry for the misery she placed me in. I don't want to fall back to square 1 of crazy emotions and to me staying in NC also demonstrates that she hurt me VERY badly and I think she has the right to know and live with that...she has no choice but to face that and it's one she cannot ignore no matter how hard she tries not to. She even suggested that someday we be friends, although I recognise we had great memories it seemed very insulting because she knows exactly what i've been going through. It's almost like saying 'I want to see you suffer just for the sake of my own ego', or not far off.

The fact it's handwritten shows care on some level, but I don't think it was necessarily the right thing to do at all - it feels like she wanted me to do the dumping because she wanted to avoid feeling like she was the bad one. Which is very weak and self centered considering all the care and support I gave her over the years. I guess I was just torn between what to do - I don't want to give power back on any level whatsoever. The only reason I couldn't decide on what to do was because I thought that writing a handwritten letter would demonstrate my value and not saying anything back after all this time may seem a little immature. But I guess I should never worry about what other people think, because they don't really know the story!

So i'm thinking i'll stay in NC then as I was only just starting to feel better until the letter arrived - I felt shitty for the rest of the week after reading it.

[stripydan]

UPDATE: Today she took me off her Facebook relationship status completely, how should I react now? I haven't responded to her letter so now what should I do?!!?
My statuses have been positive ones the whole time... and now I just don't know what to do or how to act. How should I act now? Should I just continue in the NC?

I feel horrible again... but at least I know the score. Any advice on what I should do now would be great...

[HeartIsAching]

The fact that she wrote you at all after months of NC tells me that she was trying to elicit a response from you - she was trying to get your attention, and probably not for a good reason.

Don't manipulate her back, your best bet is to keep going with No Contact.

Oh... about the FB thing - DON'T give her the satisfaction of a reaction. At all.

[stripydan]

Her letter seemed strange after 5 months of NC.. and cowardly!!! I think your right that she was looking for a reaction (and has been seeking one for a long time). She hasn't had 1 negative reaction from me since April - the time when my NC was early on and still running high on emotions. It hurts a lot even after all this NC and it's difficult not to act on any negative feelings.. but for the first time in any break-up i've got enough strength to keep going.

After taking me off her relationship status she has put statuses like 'Suddenly excited at the prospect of christmas' .. basically anything to make me think about her and be in pain. You haven't read posts so immature in your whole life, it's unbelievable...it's like she turned into a different person! The very fact she couldn't show any care for how I felt after it ended says plenty of things about her as a person.

Would you say it's alright to post FB statuses that are just normal and positive?? So long as they aren't relevant to relationships and more about my life in general then I can't see any harm in posting? She will find out all the posts I make even if it's through our close mutual friends.

[surfhb]

Don't do anything with FB. Go out with friends to find another girl. Go to an online dating site. Once you move on, you will forget about her.

[stripydan]

Don't do anything with FB.

What about taking her off my friends list? I'll miss seeing posts... but maybe thats a good thing, i've already seen posts from other guys which hurt me a lot.

[surfhb]

What about taking her off my friends list? I'll miss seeing posts... but maybe thats a good thing, i've already seen posts from other guys which hurt me a lot.

NO!!!!!! dont do anything!!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!

Forget her! Is this your first break up? Its tough bro but dont give her anything....nothing. Breaking up is hard to do. find another woman and it wont mean shit! Promise! Take a month and dont visit FB.....its stupid anyway. Call your friends instead

[Wakeup]

My Suggestion: If you're not the type to be able to see women while you're thinking of another then don't see anyone until you're a little more indifferent to the ex. If you are the type who finds it impossible to not look at her Fkface page then delete and block her. You do what is the best thing to help you (according to your personality and resolve) to enable you to get over her and reach the stage of indifference to her and evertything about her.



Good luck.

[stripydan]

Yeah, she was my first love so it's the first proper breakup i've had to deal with. The last time I saw her in person was around half a year ago and I still have thoughts of her every single day.. I don't know if it's possible to 'get over her' completely based on the things that were said and the way it ended. I guess it fades eventually?

I've found it really hard not to take a look her activity there, but it's a good idea to avoid my facebook altogether and that will be healthier for me. I believe there's an option to temporary freeze my account and disappear. That may be worthwhile for now.

[surfhb]

Yeah...it will disappear. I used to be a Facebook fanatic. I deleted my account completely

Once you find another little hottie batting her eyes at you, you wont be thinking of this girl again.