This hurts more than being dumped

[lazyblue]

Quick bit of back ground:

Was with my (now ex) bf for 6 years from the age of 18. We had plans to get married, have kids, buy a house etc. I had to go away for 2 weeks and when I came back he said he didn't love me like he used to any more and doesn't want to be with me. It came completely out of the blue- its not like we were arguing or anything before I left. In fact things were about to get a whole lot better for us. We were planning on getting engaged and buying our first place within the next year. A couple of days later I emailed him telling him that I think we can fix things etc. It took a month for him to reply. He apologised and said he wasn't ready to talk to me before. He also said that he thinks he made the right choice but would like to be friends if I want. I was so happy that he still wanted to be friends but I got the impression that the real reason he was emailing me was to tell me he is seeing someone new and that he is moving on. I told him I am seeing someone too (which is true, but I wasn't planning on telling him that until he said he was seeing someone). He said that he was fine with me seeing someone else. That hurt a bit, but I thought it was good that we were both moving on so quickly (at this point we had only been broken up for just over a month).

Anyway, we sent a couple of emails back and forth, it was all very friendly and nice (we had a very amicable breakup). We were mainly talking about how we feel now and how we felt about the breakup. Then he didn't reply to one of my emails. I sent him an email a couple of weeks later asking why he hadn't and he apologised and said he was really busy because he is moving and hes had a massive argument with his parents and isn't talking to them any more, but he will get back to me properly when he has some time. I said I was sorry to hear that and to just get back to me in his own time. Another week goes by and he emails me to say that he would like to split up the stuff we bought together (its all in storage at my dads house). That was fine and I said I'll sort it out when I next go and see my dad or he can go and sort it or we could sort it out together. Then a few days later he sent a text and an email asking for me to send him something of his which is at mine because his friend needs it. I sent it and sent an emailing saying not to worry about the cost of postage as it wasn't much. I also told him that I had just been to see my neurologist and he said he thinks they will come up with a cure for a medical condition I have that seriously affects my life within the next 10 years. I thought, as someone who cares about me, he would be really happy to hear that, but he never replied to that email...not even a "thanks" for sending the thing or a "thats great news".

A couple of weeks pass and I told him I am going to see my dad and that I'll sort our stuff. He responded straight away and we exchanged a couple of emails discussing how to split it. Turns out my dad had put our stuff in a storage place and I wasn't able to get to it at that time. I thought that as I had been emailing my ex a lot I would wait for him to email me because I don't want to seem like I am bothering him. After a week and a half he didn't email me so I told him what happened. I also did something I shouldn't have done and told him that he will have to make arrangements with my dad to sort out the stuff because I think I still love him and I can't see him right now to sort the stuff out together. He never replied to that email either.

It slowly began to dawn on me that the last few times he had bothered to email me was when he wanted something. I like to think that I won't let people use me, so I sent him one final email. I told him that it really hurt that he is only emailing me when he wants something and it feels like he doesn't care about me at all. I also said that he is spoiling our amicable breakup and that I am done with him. I said he won't see or hear from me again, but I wish him all the best for his future and I hope he has a happy life.

That was a few days ago and, guess what...he never responded. I sort of regret sending that email because I really want him to still be a part of my life. We originally said that we would probably never be friends "in real life", but it would be great to stay in contact via email. I am so gutted that it feels like our friendship is well and truly over. Whilst I regret sending the email, to me, if he cared about me at all he would have sent some sort of reply. Even if it was just a "sorry you feel like that, I wish you all the best too" kinda response. I cannot stand people ignoring me, I think if someone doesn't want to talk to me they should have the balls to let me know.

How do you go about getting over this kind of loss? Although I still love him, I was getting over us not being together, but this hurts so much more than us breaking up. He was my best friend for so long and now he can't even give me the time of day. I can't believe I mean so little to him now. We only broke up about 2 and a half months ago. Its really crushing me.

Did I do the right thing in sending that final email? Does it seem like he doesn't actually care about me and all he wanted was his stuff back? Maybe he got sick of me sending loads of emails?

I never thought he would treat me this way. He isn't a horrible person and he is quite open and honest. However, he has made some newish friends and whilst I never said anything, I always thought they were no good for him. I felt like maybe they were changing him a bit and now look at what's happened...he's dumped me, his gf of 6 years, and has cut all contact with his parents within the space of 2 months. He also cut all contact with his friends from school a while ago (when he first started hanging out with these new people). So I don't really think I know him any more, maybe this is who he is now.

Sorry for the essay, I'm not really sure what I am trying to achieve from this post, I guess I just want another perspective on the whole situation- any thoughts and opinions welcome.

[Luminaire]

I was kind of dismayed to see that no one replied to this, and I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this kind of pain twice. And I don't blame you for posting this much; sometimes getting it out is more cathartic than anything else even if you don't get heard. But I might be stuck in the opposite position from you, so I thought I'd share.

I don't think to say hi, I don't think to ask for details, and I forget birthdays and fail to communicate. It's just the way I am, and it can screw up my relationships, but I'm not sure how to fix it. So from his end, he might have been more overwhelmed than he seemed. He might have gotten the impression that you still had feelings for him even before you said so, and he might have been trying to minimize contact with you BY only contacting you when he needed something, to avoid making you deal with those feelings and his presence when he didn't have to. I'm not at all saying that he definitely did that, and especially where the illness is concerned I would've expected him to say something regardless, it's just another possibility and perspective.

That said, I don't know if you were right in sending the email only because I don't know his true intentions. But it sounds like he's turning into someone else, and whether he was avoiding you for your sake or his, the fact is he was avoiding you. I think you're better off if you can let go. If you feel guilty for the email and it keeps bothering you, send an apology. He might not deserve it, but you'll feel better and free yourself.

I hope that helped more than hurt!