Scared, don't know what i can do now

[SLT92]

So, before me and my partner got together i was an extremely happy teenager. I'm going to explain our relationship from the beginning.
We met when i was at college with his brother in September 2009. I was 17, he was 24. After we met, he added me on a social networking site and we spoke occasionally. I was in a relationship at the time but he made it very clear he was interested in me. In January, my relationship ended and he helped me feel better, he spoke to me all the time and was begging for me to give him a chance and meet up. I was very wary as i was only 18 at this point, I knew he had a son from a previous long term relationship and worried how i'd deal with this. On top of this, i wasn't very interested in him and didn't want to cause any issues. I decided one day in February to give him a chance, we arranged a time and he came to pick me up from my house. We spent a couple of hours together just chatting and driving around trying to keep occupied. After he dropped me off, he text me to tell me how amazing i was, and how lucky he was that he'd had the chance to meet up with me. I still didn't feel anything for him and told him this, but we still agreed to meet up a few more times. Around the 6th time we met up, we kissed. At the time i felt awful, i had no feelings for him and i knew how he felt about me. I felt so cruel that i might have made him think there was something there. I thought about the situation for a while and came to the conclusion that maybe i did feel something for him. I still didn't tell him this in case i was wrong, but we carried on meeting up.

A few weeks passed and we had become much more like a couple, we were seeing each other nearly everyday we could and we both liked each other in the same way. I've always been wary in relationships as everyone i had been with always ended up hurting me, so i admit, i did push him away. I'd get scared and tell him i didn't want to see him anymore, he'd cry and beg me to change my mind, i always would. I knew i was hurting him, i just couldn't stop saying it to him. A few months passed and i found out i was pregnant. As soon as we found out, we never intended to keep the baby. I'd always hated the idea of an abortion but i was too scared to consider anything else. A few days later, i started bleeding. At 6 weeks, i miscarried my first baby. No matter what decision we had made, i was heartbroken. I cried all the time, it was all i could think about. My boyfriend gave me no support, i guess he didn't understand why i was so upset. I was upset that he wasn't there for me, every time i spoke about it he'd change the subject. But other than that, he was the same loving caring boyfriend he always had been. We carried on spending most of our time together, and i began to turn down spending time with my friends in favour of spending time with him. He made me feel so special and it seemed like a good idea to get to know him better. We carried on being happy, apart from the odd time i'd push him away, but it'd be forgotten about quickly. By the end of June, i knew i loved him.

In July, he'd left my house, having been on a social networking site whilst here. He'd left himself signed on to his profile and curiosity got the better of me and i had a little look through his page. I know i shouldn't have but i had no idea i'd find anything. In his messages, there were pages and pages of messages to other girls, he'd been telling them he was single, and that he'd love to meet up with them for sex, all sorts. I was heartbroken. These messages had been going on for months, some from the exact day i found out i was pregnant, and the day i began to miscarry. I text him immediately and said i didn't want to see him again because of what i'd found. He cried, and told me how sorry he was. He told me he loved me for the first time. I didn't know what to do. A couple of days passed and i decided to forgive him as he had promised me that nothing had actually happened, it was all messages. I made him promise he would never do it again and we sorted things out. I had issues trusting him from that day on, he promised he would prove to me that i could trust him again, things went back to normal in every other way.

Things were fine for the next few months, we were happy and in love, apart from the odd time i'd think about how i didn't trust him, but because of what happened, i wasn't worried. One day i was on his phone as he was busy, and i came across pictures of girls on his phone, i didn't know what to do with myself, he had been at it again. Around the same time i found messages again to girls saying the same things as before. Once again, he begged forgiveness and i, stupidly, gave him it. After this though, we began arguing more often because i was unhappy at how he'd treated me.

The months went on and arguing seemed to get worse, we broke up often but always got back together. No matter what had happened, i loved him so much. I couldn't imagine my life without him. We also began seeing each other less, and he became much less interested in seeing me at all. We were in bed one day and he received a text, asked me to read it and reply, i did. As i was clicking off of the text, i again, found messages to girls. This time i felt nothing, it seemed the norm for our relationship now and i didn't really make a big deal about it. I absolutely didn't want to lose him. I just hoped that one day he would stop.

Things carried on for the next few months, neither of us were happy, but we stayed together and kept saying we'd try everything to make it work because we are meant to be together. After all, we still loved each other so we still had to try. At this point, i decided not to return to college and to get a full time job instead, so that we would do more things together and hopefully after a while, move in together. I was excited and was sure this would help our relationship. In August 2011, i found out i was pregnant again. After thinking about how i had felt last time, there was no other decision but to keep the baby. When i told him this, his reaction broke my heart. He told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the child and hoped i'd enjoy my life as a single mum at 19. I was petrified. I had just found myself a job that i was starting in a few weeks, he was massively in debt. There is no way we could have afforded a baby together, let alone by myself, but i was adamant i'd find a way. A few weeks after finding out, he told me he didn't love me anymore and hadn't loved me for a long time. My heart literally broke. He'd barely speak to me about anything, he broke up with me and ignored me all the time, the only things he would say to me were nasty things about me being pregnant and hurtful things about our baby. I couldn't understand how he could react this way when i knew he loved his little boy so much. In the end i made the hardest decision i have ever and probably will ever have to make. I booked an abortion. He made me feel as if we'd be ok if i aborted the baby. And i wanted us to be happy again so badly. When i told him the decision, we agreed to give things another go, i was happy, but things didn't sort out. He still didn't love me and he still didn't want to spend any time with me. We discussed what needed to change, but nothing did.

A few days ago, i had the abortion. I did it because i thought he'd love me again if i gave him what he wanted. I'll never forgive myself for what i did to my child. I've felt nothing but hatred for myself since i went through with it. It was the worst decision of my life. I would give anything to go back in time and change what i've done. What sort of person kills their own innocent baby?
But still, i want me and my partner to be together. He hasn't been there for me at all, he doesn't understand how i feel about what i did. He feels no sadness or regret about killing our baby. But i love him so much and i just want him to love me again, we can be happy together, we used to be.

I have no idea what to do. I'm so alone, i pushed away all my friends to spend time with him, the one real friend i do have is 19 weeks pregnant which is not only difficult for me to deal with right now, but i can't talk to her about my abortion, i gave up my education to try to make things better for our relationship, and because of how unhappy i've been, i've piled on weight recently. I'm so unhappy and so in need to someone to talk to. I want to talk to him but he just gets angry at anything i say or ignores me. The only thing i had in life was my baby, and my selfish, sick actions ruined that.

I have absolutely nothing left

He never used to be like this

[SapphireBerry]

Hi there, I read every little bit of this and this is one of the most heartbreaking forum threads I have ever read on here and elsewhere
The whole time I was reading about this guy I was quite impressed up until he started looking at pics of other girls then I started saying to myself "what a piece of shit".

The way I see this is that this is a learning curve for you, from what I have read this relationship has been to hell and back. Think about it, you are only young and so is he, pretty much (remember guys mature long after girls do). Some of the things he has done and the way he has treated you is just utterly cruel, but that is what love will do to you, when it comes to love you'd be willing to give up anything or do anything if you really think it's gonna wake him up. And, sometimes, in your situation, this is not the case.
It's hard for me to reply to such a post but I, being still very young, understand that it's normal to make mistakes and decisions that can leave you feeling full of regret.

Also look at this as something that is possibly not meant to be, hence why you never ended up going full term (regardless of whether you made the decision to do so or not), it will be hard for you to come to terms with and/or process all of this right now but soon it will come clear to you. It is going to tear you apart right now but right at this moment in time I think you need to take some time to think and take some time for yourself to process all of this, until you feel you're finally ready to make a rational decision.

My opinion is that you break up with him (giving the way he has treated you there should be no reason aside from the fact you're the kind to give in that he should be forgiven again) but I know that is easier said than done, I can put myself in your shoes and honestly say that it would be the most difficult, heartwrenching thing I would have ever needed to deal with but now is the time to have a little bit of time out and if you really need someone to talk to consult a counsellor or someone you know is going to listen, I find it best to get all your feelings out in the open. I can also understand the situation with the friends as well, I have made that boo boo before :/

But right now, even with my own issues and concerns this is the best advice I can give you, on this thread anyway...

Hope it all works out ♥

[tremolo]

This really was heartbreaking to read, and I can only imagine what you're going through right now. I wish I could give you a big hug and be there to kick that guy's ass for you.

I know this is probably the last thing you'll want to hear but I think you should run, not walk, away from this guy. He is bad, bad news. Not only is he a cheater and generally untrustworthy, as he has proved himself time and time again, he doesn't seem to care about you or love you in any significant way. It's appalling the way he has treated you - from the initial philandering, to the miscarriage, to your recent pregnancy and abortion. I understand how great the temptation must have been to terminate the pregnancy and get things back to the way they were, but darling, they were not good long before your second pregnancy. Guys like that, who sneak around and try to bed other women - they don't change. They just try harder to conceal their tracks. I'm sorry you got involved with him. How ironic that you weren't even interested in the first place! You gave him a chance, and he ****ed everything up. You are way too good for that man, and you need to muster whatever strength and confidence you have left, and strike out on your own. There are so many other guys out there who would probably love a chance to be with someone like you. Don't waste yourself on someone who treats you horribly and clearly can't appreciate you. You've given him more than enough chances to change, and he's failed every time. It's a pattern that isn't going to end.

I am very sorry for you that you're dealing now with the loss of your child and the guilt that comes with that. You're just in a world of pain, aren't you? Try to surround yourself with family and friends. I'm sure the friends you pushed away - if they're good friends - will be forgiving when they hear what you've been through. If they aren't, try to find a support network - some women in a similar situation with whom you can connect. What's done is done, and while I know you won't be able to move on from this too quickly, try not to beat yourself up unnecessarily. You already realize your mistake and feel badly about it. No amount of self-torment is going to change what's done. Focus now on how you can pick up the pieces of your life and make a better path for yourself. You're very young and there is plenty of time for you to turn things around.

[Kathryn6586]

I agree with the above ladies. You need to leave this guy alone. He may say that he loves you but remember ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. If it was real he would have been there for you, supported you and not turned away when you found out you were pregnant. He also wouldn't have been talking to other girls behind your back. I was in a similar situation years ago so I know just how you feel. It wasn't until I met a man who SHOWED me REAL love that I realized my previous relationship was a sham and he couldn't have loved me. It's hard to let go but the way he treats you should add fuel to your fire and the best thing you can do is cut him out of your life and never look back. In time he will realize what he missed out on and try to come back...the best revenge is to MOVE ON. Best of luck.