So, before me and my partner got together i was an extremely happy teenager. I'm going to explain our relationship from the beginning.
We met when i was at college with his brother in September 2009. I was 17, he was 24. After we met, he added me on a social networking site and we spoke occasionally. I was in a relationship at the time but he made it very clear he was interested in me. In January, my relationship ended and he helped me feel better, he spoke to me all the time and was begging for me to give him a chance and meet up. I was very wary as i was only 18 at this point, I knew he had a son from a previous long term relationship and worried how i'd deal with this. On top of this, i wasn't very interested in him and didn't want to cause any issues. I decided one day in February to give him a chance, we arranged a time and he came to pick me up from my house. We spent a couple of hours together just chatting and driving around trying to keep occupied. After he dropped me off, he text me to tell me how amazing i was, and how lucky he was that he'd had the chance to meet up with me. I still didn't feel anything for him and told him this, but we still agreed to meet up a few more times. Around the 6th time we met up, we kissed. At the time i felt awful, i had no feelings for him and i knew how he felt about me. I felt so cruel that i might have made him think there was something there. I thought about the situation for a while and came to the conclusion that maybe i did feel something for him. I still didn't tell him this in case i was wrong, but we carried on meeting up.
A few weeks passed and we had become much more like a couple, we were seeing each other nearly everyday we could and we both liked each other in the same way. I've always been wary in relationships as everyone i had been with always ended up hurting me, so i admit, i did push him away. I'd get scared and tell him i didn't want to see him anymore, he'd cry and beg me to change my mind, i always would. I knew i was hurting him, i just couldn't stop saying it to him. A few months passed and i found out i was pregnant. As soon as we found out, we never intended to keep the baby. I'd always hated the idea of an abortion but i was too scared to consider anything else. A few days later, i started bleeding. At 6 weeks, i miscarried my first baby. No matter what decision we had made, i was heartbroken. I cried all the time, it was all i could think about. My boyfriend gave me no support, i guess he didn't understand why i was so upset. I was upset that he wasn't there for me, every time i spoke about it he'd change the subject. But other than that, he was the same loving caring boyfriend he always had been. We carried on spending most of our time together, and i began to turn down spending time with my friends in favour of spending time with him. He made me feel so special and it seemed like a good idea to get to know him better. We carried on being happy, apart from the odd time i'd push him away, but it'd be forgotten about quickly. By the end of June, i knew i loved him.
In July, he'd left my house, having been on a social networking site whilst here. He'd left himself signed on to his profile and curiosity got the better of me and i had a little look through his page. I know i shouldn't have but i had no idea i'd find anything. In his messages, there were pages and pages of messages to other girls, he'd been telling them he was single, and that he'd love to meet up with them for sex, all sorts. I was heartbroken. These messages had been going on for months, some from the exact day i found out i was pregnant, and the day i began to miscarry. I text him immediately and said i didn't want to see him again because of what i'd found. He cried, and told me how sorry he was. He told me he loved me for the first time. I didn't know what to do. A couple of days passed and i decided to forgive him as he had promised me that nothing had actually happened, it was all messages. I made him promise he would never do it again and we sorted things out. I had issues trusting him from that day on, he promised he would prove to me that i could trust him again, things went back to normal in every other way.
Things were fine for the next few months, we were happy and in love, apart from the odd time i'd think about how i didn't trust him, but because of what happened, i wasn't worried. One day i was on his phone as he was busy, and i came across pictures of girls on his phone, i didn't know what to do with myself, he had been at it again. Around the same time i found messages again to girls saying the same things as before. Once again, he begged forgiveness and i, stupidly, gave him it. After this though, we began arguing more often because i was unhappy at how he'd treated me.
The months went on and arguing seemed to get worse, we broke up often but always got back together. No matter what had happened, i loved him so much. I couldn't imagine my life without him. We also began seeing each other less, and he became much less interested in seeing me at all. We were in bed one day and he received a text, asked me to read it and reply, i did. As i was clicking off of the text, i again, found messages to girls. This time i felt nothing, it seemed the norm for our relationship now and i didn't really make a big deal about it. I absolutely didn't want to lose him. I just hoped that one day he would stop.
Things carried on for the next few months, neither of us were happy, but we stayed together and kept saying we'd try everything to make it work because we are meant to be together. After all, we still loved each other so we still had to try. At this point, i decided not to return to college and to get a full time job instead, so that we would do more things together and hopefully after a while, move in together. I was excited and was sure this would help our relationship. In August 2011, i found out i was pregnant again. After thinking about how i had felt last time, there was no other decision but to keep the baby. When i told him this, his reaction broke my heart. He told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the child and hoped i'd enjoy my life as a single mum at 19. I was petrified. I had just found myself a job that i was starting in a few weeks, he was massively in debt. There is no way we could have afforded a baby together, let alone by myself, but i was adamant i'd find a way. A few weeks after finding out, he told me he didn't love me anymore and hadn't loved me for a long time. My heart literally broke. He'd barely speak to me about anything, he broke up with me and ignored me all the time, the only things he would say to me were nasty things about me being pregnant and hurtful things about our baby. I couldn't understand how he could react this way when i knew he loved his little boy so much. In the end i made the hardest decision i have ever and probably will ever have to make. I booked an abortion. He made me feel as if we'd be ok if i aborted the baby. And i wanted us to be happy again so badly. When i told him the decision, we agreed to give things another go, i was happy, but things didn't sort out. He still didn't love me and he still didn't want to spend any time with me. We discussed what needed to change, but nothing did.
A few days ago, i had the abortion. I did it because i thought he'd love me again if i gave him what he wanted. I'll never forgive myself for what i did to my child. I've felt nothing but hatred for myself since i went through with it. It was the worst decision of my life. I would give anything to go back in time and change what i've done. What sort of person kills their own innocent baby?
But still, i want me and my partner to be together. He hasn't been there for me at all, he doesn't understand how i feel about what i did. He feels no sadness or regret about killing our baby. But i love him so much and i just want him to love me again, we can be happy together, we used to be.
I have no idea what to do. I'm so alone, i pushed away all my friends to spend time with him, the one real friend i do have is 19 weeks pregnant which is not only difficult for me to deal with right now, but i can't talk to her about my abortion, i gave up my education to try to make things better for our relationship, and because of how unhappy i've been, i've piled on weight recently. I'm so unhappy and so in need to someone to talk to. I want to talk to him but he just gets angry at anything i say or ignores me. The only thing i had in life was my baby, and my selfish, sick actions ruined that.
I have absolutely nothing left
He never used to be like this