Emotionally neglectful girlfriend

[latetriage]

Hello, I'm in a situation that is quite difficult for me. I'll give some background on the relationship. I'm 27 and she is 23, we have been dating for a little over 5 months. We see eachother an average of 3 times a week. I consistently set up fun and romantic dates with her. I get her flowers and other small gifts periodically on whim to surprise her. I'm supportive of her and try to be there for her in the good and bad times.

Now that I have given some background info. I'll touch on my concerns. I tell her periodically how I enjoy being with her/ that I care about her/ hopes/ dreams/ etc. The normal things you would expect to say and discuss in a relationship. I compliment her always show genuine interest in her. With that being said. She will never bring up any relationship talk, she never tells me she enjoys being with me, she never compliments me. The only way to get anything out of her is if I said something and she will reciprocate it half- heartedly. Such as If I said 'I care about you', then she would repeat the same statement back.

When I do really thoughtful or romantic things for her I get a lukewarm response typically. For instance recently I bought 50 candles arranged them around my house and got her some chocolates and made her dinner all in the same night. When she walked in and saw the candles there was not a glint of excitement at all. Sometimes I get a little more of a response, but rarely do I get much of any from her.

If I am having a bad day and voice that to her, I get no sympathy or support whatsoever. She just avoids the conversation or changes the subject. This is all bearable to an extent. I know she does care for me, but just has some sort of inability to express it. But, when she is on her period for a solid 8 days her negative traits I have discussed are magnified in addition to her being hostile. I have brought up some of this with her occasionally, but I'm afraid it will just cause resentment and anger with her. Or cause her to think I'm too sensitive. I am feeling drained. I give and give and get so little in return. I just don't feel loved in our relationship.

Anyways, this was a little long winded. What I want to know is has anyone had or is having a similar experience. If so, how did you deal with it or are dealing with it? Or does anyone have any advice. If anyone wants more information I'll gladly oblige.

[alliecat22]

Hi latetriage,
You are not alone. I feel the exact same in my ldr. I give give give--show him all my emotions and pour my heart out, and he always seems just so logical and cold. I have talked to him about it over and over again. I tell him that if this is going to work he needs to show his feelings for me more, if he hides them how can I know they are there? He says he loves me and he doesn't need to repeat it over and over again to believe it, he just feels it and if he feels the need to say it he will.

I feel like this is a MAJOR problem in our relationship. I think you definitely need to talk to her about it otherwise you will be silently hurting and torturing yourself. You can only give so much before you have a complete breakdown wondering what you are doing wrong or why they don't love you.

Yes, you know she cares and loves you and you genuinely believe this. But some people just lack the personalities to show it.

It seems like you and I are the "die-hard romantics" that people talk about all the time. Love is so beautiful why would you not express it all the time and dive into that feeling? It hurts so badly when you feel like the other person isn't putting their all in it or not feeling as deeply as you. It just plain sucks.

In my ldr he said he would try--he actually promised he would be more affectionate...but everything it seems to be a temporary fix before everything feels like before..it has made me a tad cynical and makes me think of course that I was stupid because I was trying to change the type of person he is and I just need to accept that he's not as affectionate and lovey dovey or thoughtful as I am.

Honestly, my ldr is on the rocks because of it and it's a constant fight with myself of either accepting and hurting or thinking that i deserve better.

I really hope that other people can provide insight on this, and I hope that if you do decide to talk to her it does end differently. Don't let yourself sacrifice anymore though, you both have needs in a relationship and she needs to know what you're feeling.

good luck

[latetriage]

Thanks for the reply allie, its nice to know someone is going through something similar.

[romantic_guy]

This might and I say MIGHT be it. Do a search on "The Five Love Languages." I would suspect that you each have a different love language. I am also a "die-hard romantic" and I have thought the same in our relationship. I am usually the one to do romantic things for my wife. I could not understand why she did not seem to respond. It helped when I started showing her love in a way that spoke to her, words of affirmation and acts of service. Since my wife's personality is one of duty (Myers/Briggs ISTJ) she can get preoccupied with the "shoulds" of life. She is much better when we are away on a romantic trip. There may be more to it with your wife. What type of home life did she have? How was her relationship with her parents?

[IndiReloaded]

This might and I say MIGHT be it. Do a search on "The Five Love Languages." I would suspect that you each have a different love language.

Yes, or (your unstated alt hypothesis) she's just damned self-centred. Either way, get it sorted b/f you invest too much more in this gal. ALso keep in mind the age-difference, which is significant at your ages.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Its got nothing to do with languages of love bs. This girl is just using you. She likes all the attention you give her, but clearly is not into you much.

Back off from her really hard. Stop initiating contact, and only respond to her. Start going out with your friends, if you've got them, and don't make so much time for her. Just use her for sex until you find someone else, until she asks what the problem is and tries to fix it.

[scapegoats]

hey man,I've been with my current girlfriend and were on the 2 years now. What I can say is.. give guys time for each other..my girlfriend was like that but when our relationship grew,she also changed. before she cant express her feelings but now she can. not all the time but most of the time. if you really love her give her time so she can grow. i know how the " I give and give and get so little in return" thing feels and hang in there. for now just appreciate anything that would come your way..its the little things that she do. but dont forget to express your feelings to her..if she keeps on ignoring it to the point of your limit try to reassess the situation again. cheers! greetings from the philippines

[MsK]

It honestly sounds like to me she just isn't in the relationship the way you are. I don't want to seem harsh, but most relationships are give and take not one sided and the ones that are don't end well. My advice is if you can't bring this up to her and have an adult conversation with her about it, why are you with her to begin with? You should be able to bring up any and all problems in a relationship and compromise to a resolution.

[FwedFwintstone]

It could be just a problem showing and displaying love which will take a lot of compromise on your part, but I think you should also look out for other warning signs to determine if the unemotional aspect is just one thing of a much larger problem.

Do you decide on things together or is everything mostly her choice? Does she keep changing plans? Is she always making excuses why she can't see you? Is she selfish/self centered?

I just got out of a whirlwind romance where my significant other could hardly reciprocate let alone initiate. She kept telling me all the right stuff, there was definitely a spark, but there was something fundamentally missing.

Do you think your relationship can handle conflict without her sulking off? I guess another way of asking, does she love you, or does she love how you make her feel?

I'm not an expert.

[searock]

First of all let me say that I've been in this type of relationship, on both sides: once I was the unaffectionate girlfriend, another time I was the over-romantic girlfriend. So I speak from experience.

I think she may feel overwhelmed by the amount of love and commitment you show her, and I think the reason for this is that she doesn't feel - or think she feels - as much as you do. I know it's hard but if you want to know how she really feels you should ask her directly, something like (in a serious tone) "I am in love with you. Do you feel the same? I need to know it." Or something along those lines. If it doesn't work then you can try doing less of those romantic things and see how she reacts. If she gets closer to you it's a good sign, but if she doesn't then it probably means that she was never really in love with you in the first place.

[latetriage]

Thanks you so much for all the responses. Being able to get an outside perspective on an issue is invaluable.

[Boisdevie]

You need to talk to her about this right now. But I suspect she's not into you like you're into her.

[Xeros]

It seems like every girl I've dated in the past year has been this way. I go out of my way to make them happy and I'll never get anything back. During conversations, she'll spent a solid 30 minutes talking about her problem and I'll listen and respond with actual investment. The second I bring up anything about me she either changes it back to her or just sits there no caring....

The whole stereotype about guys not being emotional or loving is complete BS. I've actually become a bit jaded and am starting to believe that most women, at least around here, are self centered elitists who for some reason think that a guy is supposed to worship them and their job is to sit there and be pretty.....I'm pretty sick of it. Just once I want a girl to actually care about a problem I have. Or to actually do something for me without me asking. It's getting a bit ridiculous.

So I'm with you man. I'd say talk to her immediately. If she resists or is unwilling, push her harder. Push as hard as you can and get as tough as possible. Maybe you'll be able to break down her wall and actually see her true feelings. If not, leave her. I know it's hard, but you'll only end up hurting even more. Plus it's good for her too. She needs to know that guys won't put up with that crap.

I dumped my last girlfriend for this exact reason, and I made sure she knew it so that hopefully she could change. She just got angry and said that I was too clingy....heaven forbid I see her more than once a week.....

I'm not sure if it's a lack of ability to express emotion, or just plain selfishness and vanity. It's amazing how many people completely lack empathy. I'm starting to think these people are just assholes and belong with other assholes.

[vashti]

I hate to say it, but even though women claim to want "emotional" men, it's really not true. It sounds like you give TOO much to her, and she has lost respect for you. (For example, rewarding her aloofness by setting up 100 candles and cooking for her is just ridiculous.) Relationships are about balance. You give way more than you receive. That needs to stop until you find a girl who reciprocates in kind.

[LaurenR22]

I must say, this sounds very much like my situation, but with me being the girl that is 'backing' away from affection.

From my point of view, i really like the guy i am dating but find him too needy and offering of affection and i find it suffocating! When he takes a step back and is doing his own thing i find him attractive, but all the time he is being overly affectionate and constantly 'thinking' of my needs it's too overwhelming, as a result i take a step back in offering my affections for fear of spurring him on! We have had a talk about this and i'm hoping he can take a step back and not feel the need to be constantly declaring how he feels or holding hands, kisses, touching all the time as not everyone likes that. Are we compatible, who knows?