I really need help - Can I get him back?

[RubyVonDahl]

I'm sorry this is so long. But please, if you have the time?

I need to start by saying I'm usually quite a strong person. I've been through hard times and break ups before and have always dealt with them really well. But this break up has almost killed me. It's been two and a half months since we broke up and I am still at the stage where I'm crying all the time and can't move on. I really can't handle it.

What the situation is..
I'm 21 and he is 23. I've known my ex for a few years through mutual friends, but never got the chance to talk with him. He's a very independent person and had been travelling by himself for the last few years. He hadn't had a girlfriend in that time and told a mutual friend that he wasn't attracted to anyone in his travels and was unsure if he would be able to fall in love again after having very bad past relationships and realising that he's very happy on his own. We're very similar in that it takes alot to let someone close to us. He rarely lets his emotions control him, he's very much in his head most of the time.

The past new years I was living with my best friend who is also one of his best friends so he came to our New Years party. We ended up talking all night and at the end of the night he told me he'd liked me for quite a while and I told him I liked him too. We fell asleep talking to each other and the next day before he left he got my number from my friend and started messaging me asking to hang out a few days after. He was supposed to move to the other side of the country for uni in a month so we were both really cautious about spending time together, but we did anyway, and fell for each other pretty soon after. Instead of moving for uni, he moved an hour from where he lived (to a very small country town) to live with me and my friend. We lived together for 7 months, and it was amazing. It was the most honest, easy relationship I had ever been in, and although I'm always very cautious about getting too close to people, I was ridiculously, irrevocably in love with him and although he surprised himself, he was very much in love with me too.

At 7 months, he decided to go to uni in the same state so we could still be together, so he moved 3 hours away. It was hard at first, but we made it work. The time apart was good because he had alot of studying to do and I'm a tattoo artist so I work alot of hours and always need spare time for drawing. Then he started to get really distant, we'd talk but he was acting differently and not opening up to me as much. I started getting worried and had a talk with him asking if he still wanted to be with me. He grabbed my hand, looked into my eyes and said 'You know that I love you. I don't see any reason for us to break up, I don't want that. I'm sorry I've been so distant, it's just this uni work is starting to get really heavy'. A week later he came down to visit me for the weekend. When I first saw him he looked distraught. He was really quiet and wasn't talking. That night, we'd just got into bed and he hadn't said a word to me. I said to him 'This isn't working, you don't talk to me anymore, are you okay? What's going on?' and then he said 'I'm sorry, I just don't feel the same way' This broke my heart and I started crying. He tried to hug me but I left the room, I wasn't sure what was going on. I came back in and he was crying. I'd never seen him cry before. We started talking and I asked what I had done wrong. He said 'absolutely nothing, you're the perfect girlfriend and I could never ask for anything more than that' and so I said 'then why are we breaking up??' he said that he started feeling differently and didn't want to string me along if he didn't love me. That we weren't meant to be together and that we were just two different people. These are all cliche break up lines and I couldn't understand what was going on. He stayed with me the entire weekend to make sure I was okay, I was an absolute mess and ended up asking him to leave because I didn't want him to see me like that.

Over the next two weeks, we spoke nearly every day, it was like nothing had changed, but I was still so hurt. After two weeks I told him that I couldn't see him anymore. If we really weren't going to be together then I had to try and move on and seeing him was too hard. He was upset about it but said if that's what I needed then he wouldn't try to contact me. I only lasted about 4 days before I started missing him and it felt like it was harder. I messaged him and we started talking again.

After a month, I had a tragedy in my family, and I lost control. I sunk into a deep depression. He was so supportive and helped me to begin with but I couldn't handle not being with him. I'd send him messages saying I hate him and that it's so unfair that I have to be hurt if I didn't do anything wrong. He wouldn't reply, but when I'd calm down, I'd apologise to him, and he'd reply saying that it's ok, and he understands how hurt I am, and that I can call him or message him whenever I need to. I feel so stupid that I let it control me like that and feel like I've really messed things up.

Because of all of the stuff that happened with my family, I haven't seen him for a month. He's incredibly busy with uni work so when we've talked it's been brief. We've planned to hang out this week but I'm nervous about seeing him again, because I don't know how I'll react. If he truly doesn't love me anymore, it'll be too hard to see him.

I'm at a point where I need to decide whether I need to move on and forget about him, or whether this is something worth fighting for. I don't enjoy dating, or going out to clubs, pubs etc. I like being in a relationship, and what I had with him made me happier than I have ever been.

I really need some honest advice, because I truly don't know what to do.

[Tanguerra]

It's normal for people to start having doubts at about this point in a relationship. The first intoxicating stage is great but it always comes to an end eventually. Sometimes when this happens people start to doubt their own feelings and wonder why some of the 'shine' has come off but really it's usually just a 'speed bump'. Men are also famous for withdrawing from their partners when they feel stressed which it seems is the case here. Again, perfectly normal. I suggest you go ahead and see him and check out if you still have a good time together and enjoy each other's company. If that goes well, great. Keep going. There's no point in agonizing about what's going to happen in a year's time or whatever. That is completely unpredictable anyway.

All relationships, even the best ones, have their ups and downs. This is obviously a 'down'. It doesn't have to mean it's over. If you still feel so strongly about him, that's a good thing in my view. It seems he has feelings for you too, but is probably just feeling a bit conflicted and confused. Assure him that you love him and you want to make it work but try not to get too 'heavy' about the whole thing. Trust your feelings. Trust him (at least for now) to have your best interests at heart. He sounds really nice. I'd work it out if you can.

[dutng]

i think you will leave.
you find new boy friend.
thank. good luke for you.
i think you dont worry because there are alot of the good man.
you arent so beg. because the bed man.

[RubyVonDahl]

It's normal for people to start having doubts at about this point in a relationship. The first intoxicating stage is great but it always comes to an end eventually. Sometimes when this happens people start to doubt their own feelings and wonder why some of the 'shine' has come off but really it's usually just a 'speed bump'. Men are also famous for withdrawing from their partners when they feel stressed which it seems is the case here. Again, perfectly normal. I suggest you go ahead and see him and check out if you still have a good time together and enjoy each other's company. If that goes well, great. Keep going. There's no point in agonizing about what's going to happen in a year's time or whatever. That is completely unpredictable anyway.

All relationships, even the best ones, have their ups and downs. This is obviously a 'down'. It doesn't have to mean it's over. If you still feel so strongly about him, that's a good thing in my view. It seems he has feelings for you too, but is probably just feeling a bit conflicted and confused. Assure him that you love him and you want to make it work but try not to get too 'heavy' about the whole thing. Trust your feelings. Trust him (at least for now) to have your best interests at heart. He sounds really nice. I'd work it out if you can.

Wow, thank you. That's incredibly helpful. I'm hoping that when we catch up I can assess the situation a little better. Having not seen him for a month, I'm questioning everything. I should also mention that I'm moving to where he's living in a week or so. Partly to see if I can work things out with him, and partly because all of my family lives there and for work. I know that I just need to take it slow and see what happens.

[confusius]

It's normal for people to start having doubts at about this point in a relationship. The first intoxicating stage is great but it always comes to an end eventually. Sometimes when this happens people start to doubt their own feelings and wonder why some of the 'shine' has come off but really it's usually just a 'speed bump'. Men are also famous for withdrawing from their partners when they feel stressed which it seems is the case here. Again, perfectly normal. I suggest you go ahead and see him and check out if you still have a good time together and enjoy each other's company. If that goes well, great. Keep going. There's no point in agonizing about what's going to happen in a year's time or whatever. That is completely unpredictable anyway.

All relationships, even the best ones, have their ups and downs. This is obviously a 'down'. It doesn't have to mean it's over. If you still feel so strongly about him, that's a good thing in my view. It seems he has feelings for you too, but is probably just feeling a bit conflicted and confused. Assure him that you love him and you want to make it work but try not to get too 'heavy' about the whole thing. Trust your feelings. Trust him (at least for now) to have your best interests at heart. He sounds really nice. I'd work it out if you can.

Hmmm! They tend to be very nice when they break up. They may want to hang out and such just so that they don't feel guilty. Anyway, I don't know what to say about this one.

[RubyVonDahl]

Hmmm! They tend to be very nice when they break up. They may want to hang out and such just so that they don't feel guilty. Anyway, I don't know what to say about this one.

Are you saying this because you believe that this is the case in my situation? Or is your reply subjective and pertaining to your own experiences? If so, I'm sorry because it sounds like you've been hurt too.

[Tanguerra]

Wow, thank you. That's incredibly helpful. I'm hoping that when we catch up I can assess the situation a little better. Having not seen him for a month, I'm questioning everything. I should also mention that I'm moving to where he's living in a week or so. Partly to see if I can work things out with him, and partly because all of my family lives there and for work. I know that I just need to take it slow and see what happens.

Give it another try! You've got nothing to lose. He really does sound very nice. Of course, you'll be 'crushed' if he does want to break up with you, but why not just think positive? Make sure you are looking fabulous (get your hair done, buy a new dress, whatever) and have lots of fun and interesting things to talk about to him since last time you saw him. Whatever you do, don't whinge, moan, complain, etc. etc. He will fall in love with you all over again, I'm sure! Even if he says he's 'not sure' - don't panic or get all hysterical or anything. Try to be graceful about it and, since you are going to be living near each other anyway, make sure you remain on friendly terms with him. You never know!

People are often very quick to advise people to dump each other in this forum I've found, but I think it's worth making an effort to work things out if you find someone who is honest, decent, treats you well etc. especially if you have such strong feelings for him. Believe me this does not happen every day. The older you get the more limited your opportunities get, so make the most of it if you can work this out. Good luck!