Ummm... Whats wrong with me?

[MissRead]

All I can do is try and cut the long story shortest possible.. I'm 27, and am really really confused..
To start with.. I was actually a rape wictim several years back.. I was raped by my first love. After I broke up wit him for cheating on me. It took long to recover, accept what happened and move on. I did it all and met a great guy. Really great guy. We lived together for 1 year and 3 years were in relationship previous to that.. Now, after several months living together, I actually started distancing. No kisses,(still) no sex, no nothing.. And he was loving and caring and understanding all. After some time I met a guy online. Guy half the planet away. All started out as the most innocent flirt ( and by the way I never was a flirty type). Right now, almost year later, I cannot imagine a day without him, the online guy. I broke up with my boyfriend, though I know he still hopes I will come back. And stil calls and emails and cares. On the other hand, this... online guy.. is pretty much like my first boyfriend.. He is all sweet talk, assures me he loves me, then tells me we can never be together.. I try to disappear and finish it all and he does all he can to get me back.. Lately, to be honest, he does not even care much. He knows I am here and I will show up to at least say hi.. And does not bother much to sweettalk me any more. And I actually behave as a drug addict. Really need to know what my issue is. I always was a reasonable girl, not much of a dreamy and naive type, and due to all that happened to me in my first relationship, I am not the kind that easily trusts men.. But he bought me for good with few months of treating me as a queen and now treats me as a slave.. And oh, did I mention I actually know all the other women he flirts with lately.. and I just keep silent about it. Because every time I try to point out he did something wrong, he actually twists it and fights and makes me the guilty one.. Then of course, we don't talk for few days, until he SMS's me to come online.. I could understand a moment of weaknes, but this is turning into a year. And if there was any honesty in him about his feelings, after a year I would know where I stand, right.. What on Earth is the matter with me?

[workingman78]

You are enabling him, and really allowing yourself to be victimized. Have you really sat down and asked yourself what it is about him that makes you want to be there? I mean this literally, when he does something that you know is crap, do you ask yourself, WHY?

[MissRead]

Yes I do.. And am aware I am intentionally being a victim here.. I honestly see no reasons to stick to this relationship or whatever this is. All nice things he did or does.. Are nothing compared to mental torture and cruelty I get too often. And I am not hoping he will change or whatever. I am just letting it be the way it is. Thats what confuses me most. I don't know either why I do it or what to do..

[Wakeup]

Yes I do.. And am aware I am intentionally being a victim here.. I honestly see no reasons to stick to this relationship or whatever this is. All nice things he did or does.. Are nothing compared to mental torture and cruelty I get too often. And I am not hoping he will change or whatever. I am just letting it be the way it is. Thats what confuses me most. I don't know either why I do it or what to do..

You need therapy. It's that simple. You've never come to terms with your rape and you have a distinct pattern of being with men who mistreat you. You are now in an online relationship that you could easily walk away from if you had a lick of self-respect. You even stay with a fantasy abuser whom you've never met in real life. Call your doctor today and book an appointment so that he can refer you to a therapist that will hopefully help you to come to terms with this. I suspect you had a very unnurturing childhood too so that can be addressed as well.

In the meantime do not respond to this "online guy" it will be like quitting cigarettes or a drug that you are addicted to but you're wasting your life if you keep responding to him. Your lack of self-worth and what looks like fear of intimacy makes you dismiss a good man that treats you well. You choose instead an online fantasy consisting of verbal abuse and addiction to drama. Dysfunctional.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

This may be a touchy subject, but what do you mean by "raped"?

[MissRead]

You need therapy. It's that simple. You've never come to terms with your rape and you have a distinct pattern of being with men who mistreat you. You are now in an online relationship that you could easily walk away from if you had a lick of self-respect. You even stay with a fantasy abuser whom you've never met in real life. Call your doctor today and book an appointment so that he can refer you to a therapist that will hopefully help you to come to terms with this. I suspect you had a very unnurturing childhood too so that can be addressed as well.

In the meantime do not respond to this "online guy" it will be like quitting cigarettes or a drug that you are addicted to but you're wasting your life if you keep responding to him. Your lack of self-worth and what looks like fear of intimacy makes you dismiss a good man that treats you well. You choose instead an online fantasy consisting of verbal abuse and addiction to drama. Dysfunctional.

I did undergo therapy after the rape.. And actually my childhood was perfect until my dad died, just few months prior to the rape.. But actually you make perfect sense. I did consider therapy again because it started to frighten me. After starting another relationship after all that happened I was pretty much convinced I am all done with past..

[MissRead]

This may be a touchy subject, but what do you mean by "raped"?

I mean raped. I broke up with him after I caught him cheating.. We were childhood sweethearts, knew each other all our lives. Few months after breakup he invites me to go out for a drink, just a friendly chat, for good old times sake.. And he rapes me.. I can talk about it perfectly calm now.. It happened, nothing I can do to change it..

[Wakeup]

I did undergo therapy after the rape.. And actually my childhood was perfect until my dad died, just few months prior to the rape.. But actually you make perfect sense. I did consider therapy again because it started to frighten me. After starting another relationship after all that happened I was pretty much convinced I am all done with past..

Be good to yourself... tell the online guy that you'll no longer be communicating with him and then block and delete him. Cold turkey withdrawl from your drug of choice known as "mean and abusive fantasy man."

Best wishes for speedy enlightenment in your therapy.

[devonbrown]

I agree that you need to cut ties with the online guy completely. If it is too tough for you to do, block his number, delete him from any communication services, etc. That alone won't resolve all the issues you are dealing with, but it will take away a bad influence and allow you to focus on yourself.

Additional therapy is what I would suggest as well. Getting therapy after your rape was good, but now you have been able to recognize another behavior pattern and therapy can assist you with that.

In my non-professional opinion, I think you might have some self-worth issues that you need to work through. Whether these developed from the rape or not I can't say. But the fact that you can logically understand that what is happening with the online guy is wrong yet you keep doing it leads me to think that emotionally there is some self-hatred that maybe you somehow feel you "deserve" to be treated that way. You know it isn't right, but you still accept it. And you need to find a way to reclaim yourself and the love for yourself.

Good luck.

[MissRead]

Thank you all guys... Hopefully it will work... I deleted his phone No, removed from all social network sites, after of course letting him know why am doing it. I got explanations beyond reasonable and believable, it really was hard and it hurts so much, cannot even guarantee I won't go back to that chaos and certainly can't stop crying. But first thing now is therapy...