Advice in being a little more subtle

[bulrush]

I've read that some dominant guys want their partner to be dominant as well. And many guys who appear dominant are just pretending to appear more attractive.

Truly dominant guys like to be dominant all the time. Other guys are called "switch" because they like to switch and sometimes be submissive, just for a change of pace. So the correct group of terms is: dominant, switch, and submissive.

And these don't necessarily imply BDSM either. So don't make assumptions. It's just about who initiates actions.

One has to be really careful with the dominant people who are into BDSM, because sometimes they are hiding really bad insecurity problems, and might turn out violent. Proceed with caution.

[Stephanie86]

Oh, you didn't plan to ask him that. Then, what did you mean by "I'm thinking me bringing up the subject might scare him off."? What subject? It was right after the player thing so - since you didn't specify - I made the apparently false assumption.
Sure. Subtle messages are easy to miss. Being direct allows him to show if he's interested in you.
Hmm, that's an interesting question. I've never been approached by a girl. Flirting would be a good start. Showing me attention to let me know she's interested would obviously help a lot. Anything sexual would definitely spike my interest.
Having sex right away doesn't mean it's a one time fling. Not for me anyway.
Your comment doesn't necessarily disagree with that, but I just wanted to point it out.

My bad. Meant bringing up the subject about wanting more than being friends. Okay, so straight forward it is. It's weird to hear guys like the straight forward approach though. Always figured most guys liked the over the top girly thing, and doing the chasing instead of the other way around. It's appealing if a girl does the chasing? You don't find it to be intimidating or demasculating?
About the having sex straight away, my experience is that it usually ends there. Besides not giving it up right away makes it better. For me anyway. Still no guarantee it'll all work out. I know.

Anything sexual would spike your interest? Hmm, okay, so in what way exactly? There's a thin line between being flirty and sexually harassing someone How direct would you suggest I need to be? This is an alpha male. With that I mean that sexual remarks/insinuations are like a sport to him. Problem is that since I've always been getting along better with men instead of women (cause of their direct/no bulls*** approach) I usually have an answer that tops those remarks. He enjoys that too, but need to get this away from the joking around bit to get the point across. Any suggestions on how I pull that off?

[smackie9]

Guys like variety from a woman. To be able to change appearance, to dress up, dress down, to be assertive, and to be submissive. A good balance is needed to hold their interest I find. Men like some submissiveness from their girl because it makes them feel like a man.....can't be taking the lead all the time unless it's a shy guy...I've been told they rather date an aggressive girl. I'm an aggressive woman myself (ha ), and I can play the submissive game to manipulate attraction. Do a little of this, a little of that, works every time.

[Yet another guy]

Truly dominant guys like to be dominant all the time. Other guys are called "switch" because they like to switch and sometimes be submissive, just for a change of pace. So the correct group of terms is: dominant, switch, and submissive.

In my opinion, the term switch doesn't apply so well outside the BDSM. If you're into it, you generally want to experience the domination or submission as quite strong and exact. At least I would. Therefore if you're interested in both sides, you'd switch in between.

In a normal relationship and outside the bedroom, I imagine people often want something that is somewhere between domination and submission but doesn't necessarily want the dynamic to change wildly. So a guy, who's quite dominant (not in BDSM sense) is likely to prefer his partner to have at least some dominant features/behaviour as well. But perhaps, less so than a submissive guy.

[bulrush]

Stephanie86,
You sound like a very confident girl. If you were in my area, I would ask you out, because you are the type of girl I date.

I'm not interested in playing games like "the chase". If a girl says she wants to date me, that's all I need to ask her out. (Well she has to be nice too.) I don't play games. I want to date her and get to know her.

As far as sex, there are lots of misconceptions about having sex on the first date. If the person seems like a sincere and nice person, I might have sex on the first date. Having sex on the first date does not imply to me it's a one night stand. For me, it's a sign of confidence. Again, I'm attracted to confidence in a woman, and her ability to communicate clearly with no BS. Life is too short to play games.

I personally would rather not do one-night stands, but sometimes they are fun. I put work into a relationship and I want it to last. I mean I would like it to last long enough to really get to know them to see if they have long-term potential. IMO, this takes at least 3 months. But calendar time is not the issue, it's how many dates you go on too, that matters.

In my opinion, the term switch doesn't apply so well outside the BDSM.

I understand your position. But as a very confident guy, sometimes I just get tired of doing all the work and want a change for a bit. Me and my current gf are both "switch" in and out of the bedroom. When she visits my house, I take care of all food and entertainment expenses and plans. When I'm at her house, she does food and entertainment.

[IndiReloaded]

If you are straight forward type, my advice is that don't try to be something you're not. Plenty of guys prefer those who go straight to the point but very few girls do. It should follow that being the way you are, your chances with guys are better. Would you like to end up together with a guy who would be scared of your straight forwardness, and you had to pretend?

^This. Perhaps you will put off some guys but dating is the first step to finding out if you are compatible. Its like trying to waltz with someone who prefers hip-hop--doesn't work.

Tho, if you are having problems in other areas of your life you might want to reconsider how you speak to others. Tone and body language are actually more important than the words you use.

[bulrush]

Guys like variety from a woman. To be able to change appearance, to dress up, dress down, to be assertive, and to be submissive. A good balance is needed to hold their interest I find.

Very true.

Men like some submissiveness from their girl because it makes them feel like a man.....

Not for me. I'm not a typical guy. I need to see that confidence in a woman outside the bedroom. I need to know she can take care of herself. I'm not dating her to get another dependant. It's a mental thing for me. I need to know she's confident. If she likes being submissive in the bedroom, that's fun also. I have a need to try new and exciting things, I don't have a need to feel in control per se. I'd like to date executives or sales people, they are very confident. But sometimes they can be the angry Type A and I don't put up with that.

...can't be taking the lead all the time unless it's a shy guy...I've been told they rather date an aggressive girl. I'm an aggressive woman myself (ha ), and I can play the submissive game to manipulate attraction. Do a little of this, a little of that, works every time.

If it works for you, go for it.

[IndiReloaded]

I've read that some dominant guys want their partner to be dominant as well. And many guys who appear dominant are just pretending to appear more attractive.

So have I. An alpha male chooses an alpha female. Tho, the dominance for the woman is more to do with others I think. Anyway, we may be confusing dominance w/confidence. One can be confident and assertive without dominating. Dominance that is rude is usually a sign of insecurity, which is not really alpha.

FWIW.

[Stephanie86]

Stephanie86,
You sound like a very confident girl. If you were in my area, I would ask you out, because you are the type of girl I date.
Again, I'm attracted to confidence in a woman, and her ability to communicate clearly with no BS. Life is too short to play games.

Amen to that! That's what I always say. It's either yes/no. Really bad to admit this, but I've always hated it when a guy tells me he's had a crush on me since God knows when. Why the hell wait? That's a total turnoff, to me anyway. If you want something, go get it. Now, only need to figure out how to tell him. Without getting into the usual "top this" remark marathon.
Thanks for the compliment! Hope he feels the same way, if not I'll get back to you

[bulrush]

Indie is right. Steph needs to find someone who appreciates her direct approach, not some pansy who backs down just because she asks him on a date.

Steph, if you like this guy, just ask him on a date. Then get to know him in a quiet restaurant. Simple, yes?

Steph, are you happy with yourself being direct and assertive? Being dominant doesn't mean you have control issues, it just means you are comfortable making the first move, and talking about things directly.

[Stephanie86]

Indie is right. Steph needs to find someone who appreciates her direct approach, not some pansy who backs down just because she asks him on a date.

Steph, if you like this guy, just ask him on a date. Then get to know him in a quiet restaurant. Simple, yes?

Steph, are you happy with yourself being direct and assertive? Being dominant doesn't mean you have control issues, it just means you are comfortable making the first move, and talking about things directly.

Yes, I am. Tried the other approach, not just with him but in general, it made me feel miserable. It's not me. It's not about control, although I have to admit I kind of enjoy the part when someone tries to outsmart me and I beat them at their own game BUT then again I would absolutely LOVE it if someone actually beat me at that and would leave me standing there at a loss for words. Need some resistance, so exactly a pansy wouldn't work.
And yes, I'm comfortable making the first move.

[Yet another guy]

It's weird to hear guys like the straight forward approach though. Always figured most guys liked the over the top girly thing, and doing the chasing instead of the other way around.

I guess that your previous experience of going after players explains your perception. Players love the chase.
This again is all about personal preference. Liking chasing doesn't mean you're a player but I bet most guys get bored of having to do the chasing all the time.

It's appealing if a girl does the chasing? You don't find it to be intimidating or demasculating?

To me yes, it would most likely be very appealing. I can't imagine it being intimidating at all.
I don't let the society - or anything/-one else I don't respect - tell me what I should be like so I don't give a crap about how it affects my masculinity.

About the having sex straight away, my experience is that it usually ends there.

I have a very different experience about having sex straight away. In my experience, if she's not interested in sex when we first meet, she will never develop interest in anything deeper such as a relationship. Out of the two occasions I've had sex right away, the first girl is now a very close friend and the second seems to be developing into a serious relationship. Yes, I know that my experience probably isn't good estimation of the average because of the small sample size.

Anything sexual would spike your interest? Hmm, okay, so in what way exactly? There's a thin line between being flirty and sexually harassing someone

It's only harassment if it's not welcome It's highly unlikely that I wouldn't welcome sexual attention from a girl. If I really wasn't interested, I doubt I'd find anything verbal uncomfortable. You'd have to touch to harass me. On the other hand, if I find the girl attractive, only sky's the limit.
You did ask what woud spike my interest. I wouldn't recommend you to slip your hand inside some guys pants just because I'd find it's ok. Even though guys are less sesitive and more eager in general, caution is adviced.

Insinuating is a good way to show interest but to show you're ready (and to gauge their readiness), you need to be more direct. I'm by no means an alpha male though and I don't know what's the best approach with him.

[bulrush]

I have a very different experience about having sex straight away. In my experience, if she's not interested in sex when we first meet, she will never develop interest in anything deeper such as a relationship. Out of the two occasions I've had sex right away, the first girl is now a very close friend and the second seems to be developing into a serious relationship.

I've had a similar experience. Out of the times I had sex on the first date, both relationships turned out really great. One didn't last, but we broke up as best friends. One girlfriend simply said "Let's have sex and get it out of the way, so we can focus on other parts of the relationship." Huh? Then I thought about it. Sounded like a good idea!

OTOH, I've had sex early in the relationship, and I think the girls just wanted a one night stand. I was a little upset when they didn't call again because I was very clear that I wanted more, but, it is what it is.

[IndiReloaded]

I have to admit I kind of enjoy the part when someone tries to outsmart me and I beat them at their own game BUT then again I would absolutely LOVE it if someone actually beat me at that and would leave me standing there at a loss for words. .

You just made yourself sound like an idiot. Most ppl who openly claim they are smart really aren't all that.

[Yet another guy]

All this talk about outsmarting others goes way over my head. Does it have something to do with flirting? I'm not very good at picking up girls.
Can you give examples of what you're talking about?