In love with my best friend and lying about it.

[Blakimus]

I know this is long but please read. I may come across as a huge wimp in this but I'm just really in need of help and am getting desperate.

Ok, the short version of the story is that I'm a male with a great female friend (I actually consider her my best friend) and there's a part of me that has always wanted more than just friendship. Now here's the long version.

After taking her to my Junior Prom back in May of 2005 I started to fall for her. That crush grew into stronger feelings yet I never said anything due to feeling unable to handle a relationship and fear of rejection. For almost 2 years I kept everything bottled up while we gradually got closer albeit as friends. Finally on Valentine's Day 2007 I wrote her a letter explaining my feelings. While she did appreciate the flattering things I said and admitted that could bring us closer, she still rejected me. The next six months were up and down with awkwardness yet we still remained friends despite her saying she could never be 100% comfortable around me. During this time I had a lot of emotional problems so she still stayed with me as a friend and helped me out despite that. Things got back to normal as we prepared to go back to college. I told I was over her as I was about to begin life at a new school. I honestly thought I was over her.

Anyway, I started living the party life with gallon after gallon of booze, weed smoking, and multiple sex partners (please don't judge. It was college). At the same time, she met a guy and ended up dating him for almost 3 years. As surprising as it may seem, her getting a b/f didn't really hurt me. I spent about a year and a half being like an older brother to her and was kinda content with it. Her boyfriend and I even got along. Then in October of 2009 he got frustrated and broke up with her though only for a couple weeks. During those couple weeks she turned to me and I comforted her as much as possible. It was during those couple weeks I realized that I still loved her and never truly got over her. I just drowned my feelings for her by living the high life.

As luck would have it, they then got back together and I knew I would have to bury my feelings. So I did. It was around this time I began seeing my feelings towards her as a burden and tried to meet any other girl who could be the one. Then in January of this year they broke up...for real this time. Or at least for the last 9 months. Naturally, I helped her through the initial break-up plus I took her out and tried to get her mind off things when her ex found someone else just a couple months ago.

We have a great friendship, we really do. As of this Halloween we've been friends for 7 years and in that time we have been through so much together. I love her, there are no 2 ways about it. However, I feel like I'm betraying her trust by having these feelings and desires for something more. Plus, it hurts me. Sure, I can deal with it most of the time and just put it on the back burner. I look at my feelings as like having a bad back or bad knees. Sure, you're sort of in pain 24/7 but for the most part you deal. Then you have your bad days though.

I've been slipping back into depression for the first time in 4 years these past couple months. It's finally time for me to admit that this has been a huge part of it. So, I admit it. I'm in love with my best friend and have been lying about it for over 4 years. Hell, for 2 years I even lied to myself. It's time for me to do something. I can't go on like this.

What can i possibly do? I need help. I need some kind of therapy to truly get over this. I certainly can't cut her out of my life. You probably think I should tell her and that could help. While it could ease the burden it could potentially change our friendship for the worst because now she'll question everything from the last 4 years. I went through hell when i wrote her that V-Day letter way back and I'm not going through it again. Think about it, not only would I be admitting feelings but I'd be admitting that I've been lying to her for 4+ years. Can I possibly get over this whole thing without her knowing? I just want this to end!

The worst part is, who do you think I would normally turn to in a situation like this? Yes, I can't even turn to my best friend...

[wantadvice14]

You may not like what I have to say, but it sounds to me that you need to sit down with her and explain to her how you feel. Her feelings for you may have changed over the years, but be prepared for the same reaction you got in the past. You may have to stop seeing her if you can't get over her, you will only go through more heartache in the long run. No matter what find ways to do things you enjoy with other people. It sounds like no matter what you need to meet some new people so she is not the only one you feel you can talk to.

[Blakimus]

You may not like what I have to say, but it sounds to me that you need to sit down with her and explain to her how you feel. Her feelings for you may have changed over the years, but be prepared for the same reaction you got in the past. You may have to stop seeing her if you can't get over her, you will only go through more heartache in the long run. No matter what find ways to do things you enjoy with other people. It sounds like no matter what you need to meet some new people so she is not the only one you feel you can talk to.

I think you got the wrong impression from my post.
It's not like I feel the need to talk to her all the time. We've even spent months apart while both at school. I went 7 months without seeing her from Christmas last year until the end of July.
She's not the only one I can talk to. Hell, I've even dated other girls in the past 4 years. One of which I even got quite serious with before things blew up in my face but that's another story.

The fact of the matter is, at this point telling her is not an option. I'm in way too much of a vulnerable state right now to be alienating my closest friend.

[Blakimus]

Let's just say, for argument's sake that I'm not as averse to telling her as I was a few days ago.

If I do decide to tell her, how should I go about doing it?

[SunRiver]

Sounds like what you need to do is strengthen yourself internally before doing anything with this issue. I suggest some counseling. More than likely, at some point, the counselor will tell you you will need to talk to your friend about your feelings. But first you have to stop feeling so vulnerable. A counselor can help you with this. One thing to keep in mind is that if you two are as close as you say, it is very doubtful that your friend will want to drop you out of her life just because perhaps you feel one way and she feels another. On the other hand, maybe her feelings for you are stronger than you think. There is really no use speculating. See a counselor. You'll be glad you did. And by the way "drowning your feelings" in things like booze/drugs is never the answer. If you don't confront an issue head-on it will never go away. You can do it. If you somehow get your strength up to talk to her without the help of a counselor, I would approach her something like this (in person): Keep the atmosphere light and approach her positively but go right to the point: "You are a very special person to me. I just have to ask you something. Would you be interested in considering a more serious relationship with me?

[Blakimus]

Sounds like what you need to do is strengthen yourself internally before doing anything with this issue. I suggest some counseling. More than likely, at some point, the counselor will tell you you will need to talk to your friend about your feelings. But first you have to stop feeling so vulnerable. A counselor can help you with this. One thing to keep in mind is that if you two are as close as you say, it is very doubtful that your friend will want to drop you out of her life just because perhaps you feel one way and she feels another. On the other hand, maybe her feelings for you are stronger than you think. There is really no use speculating. See a counselor. You'll be glad you did. And by the way "drowning your feelings" in things like booze/drugs is never the answer. If you don't confront an issue head-on it will never go away. You can do it. If you somehow get your strength up to talk to her without the help of a counselor, I would approach her something like this (in person): Keep the atmosphere light and approach her positively but go right to the point: "You are a very special person to me. I just have to ask you something. Would you be interested in considering a more serious relationship with me?

Wow, that's about the best advice I've gotten on how to handle the situation and you're absolutely right. Thanks!

Although, I should probably specify that I did not turn to drugs and booze with the intention drown myself I just became a party animal in college and as a result, I ended up drowning my feelings.

[steviej]

Get her drunk, take advantage. See where it goes!