The almost engagement ... a long but fun... crazy story

[Enamorada]

<deleted> no reason just not a great response from a sucky community. you guys really need to find more to do than latch onto other peoples stories.

[Enamorada]

<deleted> no reason just not a great response from a sucky community. you guys really need to find more to do than latch onto other peoples stories.

[MaidenMinx]

I can't believe I read all that.. I guess I was sucked in.

And I think you have been too. Man I thought I got a crappy proposal (a 3 am drunken declaration of "let's do it! Let's get married this coming anniversary.".... That was 3 years ago, we only got married this year) but wow, that's bad.

So many alarm bells going off about this guy! How often does he lie to you? It seems constant.

I really don't think you should marry this guy. Unless you want a nice alimony payment too.

[Enamorada]

I have yet to catch in any deliberate lies. He didn't tell me the whole truth of the baby momma when we met but he explained it when I asked. He did lie to his daughter because he said he chickened out but if he really meant to lie about it he wouldn't have put us in the same room together to just risk an explosion. Same on possibly still being married, why would he risk exposing his mistress to his daughter on the hope that it doesn't go wrong.

Thankfully I make enough money that I never have to worry about his. I told him that I'd want to sign a prenup, he said he would never. I'd do it to protect myself as well as ill have to start a new company and he'd end up with half in a divorce.

I'm thinking couples counseling might help, we really need some outside intervention.

[IndiReloaded]

Doesn't it occur to you that a man on Wife #3 has some serious issues? Of course he would blame his ex wives, but remember HE is the common factor in each of those relationships.

Anyway, your question: This is not forever. This is right now. But you already know this, or you wouldn't be here asking. Trust your gut and don't buy into your fantasy unless you enjoy being shredded.

[Enamorada]

I am here because I'd like an objective outside view on some of the challanges in my actually pretty great relationship. He was married ONE time for 17 years to a woman who told him on their 10 year anniversary that she would not stay with him if he lost everything. He even stuck it out for another 7 to try and make it work. He has never blammed anything on his exs, his ex GF/baby momma is crazy beyond understanding because I've seen the messages after not seeing him for a month, no replies from him either just pages and pages and pages of crazy.

Most of you can't keep a pet alive for 17 years.

Is there anyone that has a little bit better advice, maybe as to one of the situations that I've mentioned. Telling me its all bad and I should know better really isn't helping. He is a fantastic, loving, smart, stable fun guy that I love to be around. His life is so complicated that I can't decide whether he knows what he's doing or hes just so used to gold diggers that he doesn't know how to act with me.

[JadenMia]

I think the fact of it is... You came here because you have a gut feeling it isnt all what you like to think it is. That there is something wrong. You can defend him down to the ground, but of course he is going to blame everything on his exes.. lol

As already stated, follow your gut instinct. Its usually right.

[IndiReloaded]

I am here because I'd like an objective outside view on some of the challanges in my actually pretty great relationship. He was married ONE time for 17 years to a woman who told him on their 10 year anniversary that she would not stay with him if he lost everything. He even stuck it out for another 7 to try and make it work. He has never blammed anything on his exs, his ex GF/baby momma is crazy beyond understanding because I've seen the messages after not seeing him for a month, no replies from him either just pages and pages and pages of crazy.

Most of you can't keep a pet alive for 17 years.

Is there anyone that has a little bit better advice, maybe as to one of the situations that I've mentioned. Telling me its all bad and I should know better really isn't helping. He is a fantastic, loving, smart, stable fun guy that I love to be around. His life is so complicated that I can't decide whether he knows what he's doing or hes just so used to gold diggers that he doesn't know how to act with me.

You won't get a more objective answer. He doesn't sound stable and he makes poor choices in women. That probably includes you. Shrug.

I've been married for more than 20 years. First marriage too, good times. Friends with great marriages, some not so great. I've seen this type of story before. It won't last. Anyway, next time you want a predetermined answer I recommend this site instead:

[url]www.onlywhatIwanttohear.com[/url]

[sarahprincess]

He wont tell his daughter about you.. I mean cmon. I dont see how you cant feel used in that situation. You are his FIANCE. And the excuse is he didnt say because he still might be married? Who in their right mind would propose to someone before they are divorced? What does that say about the kind of morals he has? If this is really the case though then its still no excuse not to introduce you. Plus its your friggen birthday, YOUR birthday, why would you spend somewhere you dont want to be or at the end of the day not feeling happy? Its your day, and if he cant even give you that day I would be really worried down the line. It just baffles me, sounds like you put up with a lot of crap to make him happy. Plus he sounds selfish beyond belief by all of your paragraphs. It sounds like you expect more from a husband. As well you should. Sounds like he is just a right now kind of guy to me. People dont change, especially at his age, so expect the same treatment after you are married. Please dont give up your dreams for this guy!

[sarahprincess]

Most of you can't keep a pet alive for 17 years.

Oh, Sounds like you dont want advice. You really want this guy to be the forever guy? COMMUNICATE. Don't let him walk all over you. If he is lieing to others, ie his own daughter, HE WILL lie to you. Dont kid yourself.

[bulrush]

He's that guy who will open every door and never forget to make sure you have everything that you need. He's really a dream come true...

Be careful of extreme romantics. They often make big decisions based on emotions, and that usually turns out badly.

We don't have that much time to spend together so anything I can do to help that situation I have done.

That sounds like a red flag. How can you really get to know each other if you don't spend lots of time with each other?

So my birthday lands on the day that he spends with his daughter, I told him to not worry about it that we could celebrate my birthday any day.

That's very mature of you.

no we were arguing because my 10 hours of work a week feels like its distracting me from being all about him.

Be careful that you have your own life and your own interests. I would not quit the business you worked so hard to build.

I'm going to stop reading right here. You would write this long novel if you were sure and happy you wanted to get married to this guy. Which means, you have some doubts you cannot admit you have. That's a big red flag. Your apparent denial and lack of clarity is also a big problem.

Don't get married. It just isn't right. Something is wrong here. This sounds like my first marriage. I was in love, but I had a bad gut feeling, which I thought was pre-wedding jitters. It wasn't, and we divorced 10 years later.

Doesn't it occur to you that a man on Wife #3 has some serious issues? Of course he would blame his ex wives, but remember HE is the common factor in each of those relationships.

My comment above was that his issue was making big decisions because he is an extreme romantic. Thus he has a trail of bad decisions behind him.

[Enamorada]

To add a little more context we have only been together for 6 months. So if he tried to introduce me to his daughter this one time then its really not too off. We have leaped into this pretty fast but the only issues we have had are all laid out in that long story. Everything else has been great.

He is divorced obviously, why would he try to introduce me to his daughter at all. That was the point I was trying to make, I didn't think anyone would take it so seriously... common sense would tell you.

I don't only want to hear what I want to hear or I would talk to him about this. Unless you are seriously religious which I am not you would not see a problem with someone who gets divorced after 17 years and then 7 years later wants to get married again.

He has not lied to me about anything that Ive been able to verify, he generally tells me everything even the things I don't want to hear.

My gut instinct is that he proposed to keep me from leaving him because he has low self esteem. His choice in women has been pretty bad but he has never BLAMED anything on anyone. I don't know where anyone read that but I made my own opinions of the gold digger ex because his daughters are carbon copies. The kind that don't ever call unless they want something.

Thank you to the last person for really giving me objective opinions. I will not quit on my business, I would never let go of my identity

[IndiReloaded]

I don't only want to hear what I want to hear or I would talk to him about this. Unless you are seriously religious which I am not you would not see a problem with someone who gets divorced after 17 years and then 7 years later wants to get married again.

Of course you do. You are scrambling for an excuse not to listen. Religious? LOL, no, far from it.

You seem awful concerned about gold diggers and money yet you don't work much yourself. 10 hours a week? Okay, just whose money do you think you'll live off of?

Anyway, carry on. Some people will only learn through their mistakes. Post back what happens, it will be amusing. Good luck.

[Kaius]

I freakin can't believe I read the whole thing either....and I'm at work!!! hahaha

I'm gonna say whatever comes to mind. Nothing wrong with providing a certificate or appraisal with the ring.
When I proposed to my fiancee last December, I gave her the GIA (most prestigious and strict) certificate
which valued the diamond at $20,500, not including the ring itself. The reason I gave it to her was so she
can consider it an asset, and if something happened to me, she can keep it for its value. At the time of
engagement, I was 36 and she was 39, and we had both been married for over 10 years prior. There
was no way I was willing to give her a lesser ring because we are both mature people, not 20 year old kids anymore.
If you can't afford a decent ring by the time you are gonna get married the 2nd time, then maybe you should wait.

Which comes to my second point. Your fiance is 20 years older and has several kids. This is way too much baggage for
a woman in her 20s. I mean, you are lower priority to him than his kids. If he says you are more important that his
kids, then he is a scumbag dad, and why would you want to marry a scumbag? So assuming he is a good man,
you will always be a lower priority on his list.... This is called baggage.... Are you okay with that?

Obviously you are here because you have some doubts. I don't think you are here to just tell an interesting story.
You are at a point in life where you are still ramping up in career and family, where as he is right around middle-aged,
and probably has different perspectives than you. People change a lot between their 20s and 40s. I can assure you
that I am completely different than I was 15 years ago.... My whole perspective of life is changed because of my kids.

Speaking of kids, I read your story so fast I forget if you mentioned if you have kids of your own.
If you don't, there will be HUGE problems. Only a parent can appreciate what a parent has to go through,
so no matter how wonderful this guy is, it's really hard to relate to his parental thoughts unless you are a mom
yourself. I know many women think they have the natural motherly instinct, but marrying a man with kids
is really not a easy thing...IMHO.

I know there are many nay-sayers here. Take their advice for what they are worth. In the end, only you know
the real story, and have to live it everyday. Statistically, your relationship is doomed to fail. That's not to
say yours will for sure. If the love is strong enough, it can survive anything. I have several friends who
experienced similar....man 20 years older with multiple marriages prior.... The marriage usually fails within
2 years, simply because it takes that long to realize it was a mistake to begin with.