your friends vs your girlfriend

[Journey2Virtue]

So I'm opening this threat to ask GUYS how they deal when their GF doesn't like their friends, vice versa or when the feeling is mutual.

In my case, I actually used to consider his friends, good friends of mine, until he and I hit serious rough patch that ended in us breaking up for 7 months. They never asked for my side of the story and bad-mouthed me the entire time. Anyway, he admitted wrong and convinced me to get back together. Which we did.
But now, I really don't want to be around them. Its not because I'm holding a grudge, its more like, I finally saw their true colors. Because what they did to me, they do to everybody. They're all incredibly two-faced. They never say anything to anyone's face. They're hypocritical. Very fake with their own friends. And 2 are very self-righteous. I simply went from being one of the person's they talked to to one of the people they talked about. So basically I realized it was just my turn, when they did it to me.

For my boyfriend's sake I tried to make peace with them, not to try to be friends again cuz at that point I didn't trust them and know I NEVER will trust them again. But I tried to extend the olive branch just so my BF wouldn't be uncomfortable or feel like he had to choose. But soon after I found out they were still talking sh*t. So I distanced myself from them. I tried not to visit my BF when they were around, I avoided going out with them, etc. Its been a few years since this, and I continue to avoid them but my boyfriend acts like nothing's happened. Even tho he agrees with my assessment of them. He says that they were wrong in how they treated me, and even admits that he didn't tell the full story when we had originally gotten into it. To this day he even admits that they are two-faced and gossipers, that he really doesn't like that about them....but doesn't feel like he should say anything or stop them when they're doing it. He just tunes them out or forgets about whatever they said or did, soon afterwards.

My problem really is that he refuses to confront his friends or give them boundaries. He doesn't want to tell anyone when they cross the line (except me). Because he claims he's non-confrontational. Truth is, he doesn't want to upset them or for them to stop being his friends. And whenever I confronted them, he got mad at me telling me not to upset his friends. But he said nothing to them when they violated me. I have never allowed anybody to disrespect him without letting them know they crossed the line, nor have I ever dismissed his feelings telling him to just deal with it just to avoide my having to deal with it.

I have no desire to be friends with his friends,I just got to a point where I really can't stand to hear them talking about people saying things they'll never say to the person they're talking about. I really don't care about their lives, so I tend to cut my BF off if he talks about any of them. I avoid meeting new people in his life. I just don't want them to be a part of MY life or be privy to anything going on in my life. And I feel like I have to sometimes limit myself with my boyfriend so they don't violate me because He refuses to give them boundaries. I could be cordial again if it was an isolated thing, but this is their characters. They are hypocritical, two-faced gossips by nature. My BF says just ignore it & thats what he does, but I don't even want to be around it. I'm 26 & I don't want to waste time in the midst people I don't like just for the sake of not being left out or lonely.

So guys (thanks ladies for reading, but I want different guys opinions on this), what do you think and how do you think I should go about it. Should I continue to avoid them like the plague or should I try to be around them? I respect his right to have whoever he wants in his life & I kno I have to be tolerant of that. But do I have to be cordial or borderline friendly.

[Marulovehannah]

my girlfriend used to hate my bestfriend, he said that she was fat and ugly and that he would beat her up. since i always choose the side of my girl i told him to shut up and leave her alone. my girlfriends said sorry (while my bestfriend was the one who was supposed to do so). and now they are ok with each other. they're neither friends, nor enemies. if there is any gossip going on between my friends about my girlfriend, i always tell my girlfriend about it so she knows who to trust and who not to trust. in your case i understand that it's hard to live with, because you love him, but you hate his friends which are part of his life. and it will be even harder if you decide to marry him. because his friends will play a big role in his life.. it's his fault that he will not confront his friends with the truth, and that he won't tell them when they crossed the line. but in the end it's up to you. when you try to be more around his friends it can be nice for your bf, but after how they treated you it will be hard for you to be around them. if you really don't like them then keep on avoiding them, but i think the best thing is that your boyfriend starts telling them the truth and giving them boundaries.. at the end of the day he is your boyfriend and it's his job to make you feel happy and comfortable.

[Cerby]

.. at the end of the day he is your boyfriend and it's his job to make you feel happy and comfortable.

Um no. Its his job to be in the relationship and be happy, but not to make her happy. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness, not for the happiness of others.

I'm not trying to be harsh, that said, OP sounds a little self-righteous herself, has avoided confrontation with these people, but expects her boyfriend to go balls to the wall and draw lines and enforce boundaries. As a guy, I have agreed with both conflicting statements from my girlfriend and my friends because I'm not going to start a fight with someone that in reality doesn't involve me. If my gf doesn't like my friends and they don't like her, then we don't hang out together. End of story.

Poeple gossip, you can't let it bother you. Drama is for teenagers, not for 26 year old women, this is my opinion as a guy.

[Journey2Virtue]

Um no. Its his job to be in the relationship and be happy, but not to make her happy. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness, not for the happiness of others.

I'm not trying to be harsh, that said, OP sounds a little self-righteous herself, ... expects her boyfriend to go balls to the wall and draw lines and enforce boundaries. As a guy...I'm not going to start a fight with someone that in reality doesn't involve me. If my gf doesn't like my friends and they don't like her, then we don't hang out together. End of story.

Um, if I'm willing to make compromises and even sacrifices to make him happy shouldn't he do the same for me? I've never asked him to drop his friends, I think that's wrong. But isn't a compromise, speaking to his friends and telling them, "ok if you don't like her then stay away from her & don't talk about her, she gives you the same courtesy" At the end of the day, everybody will do something someone doesn't like at some point. As an adult you should be able to let the person(s) know, that you don't like what they said or what they did & ask them to either go about it in a different way, or refrain from doing it all together.
I'm not asking him to get into a shouting cursing match and end friendships. Do you really think having a mature conversation with ppl and saying AT LEAST that one thing, is really asking too much?

If he does that, yes its drawing a boundary, but if his friends cross it, doesn't that say more about his friends being simply disrespectful people more than me being "self-righteous." I hardly expect my boyfriend to start going in & fighting everyone I don't like. I respect his friendships, even if I don't like them. They should respect me and my relationship.

I'm not saying he should Or do you really think, I'm just looking at it the wrong way?

[Cerby]

I think you should just leave it alone. If you don't hang out with them then how do you know they're talking bad about you? Does he tell you?

And you shouldn't have to make sacrifices to make someone else happy, if you are, its probably not going to work in the long run.

[Journey2Virtue]

yes he tells me. For example, I recently started a job and got close to a few people there. I hang out with a male co-worker of mine (100% platonic) He was at work, and it wasn't even in the same town. That night we talk and he starts asking questions about me and my co-worker, and says that he's too "cozy" with me. When I asked how he could possibly know that, it turns out one of his friends saw me and this co-worker together all of 2 times and he went around telling anyone that would listen that we're always together and that we talk really close together (like physically) and all this other stuff. His friends have this thing where they make whole stories out of absolutely nothing. This guy is strictly a friend and I'm soooo not even his type. That's just one of many. Apparently they feel entitled to full scouting reports of where I go, who I'm with, and what I"m doing, even tho I'm not friends with them & I avoid them.

When I said sacrifices, I don't mean anything HUGE. I mean like, not going on a trip with friends, so that I can go somewhere with him. Or going out of my way to do him a favor even if I'm really tired or its really inconvenient. I've been with this guy for years, since we were 18 before he even met any of these people actually. I've never heard of a successful long-term serious relationship that didn't include sacrifices or at least comprimises. Or maybe you just have a different definition of sacrifice.

btw, I really appreciate your point of view. Its just really annoying to have to ignore people that claim they don't care about you & don't want to be your friend, but are continuously finding ways to get into your life and your business.

[Cerby]

My definition of a sacrifice is just that - giving up something you like in order to please someone else. Its different than doing something nice because you love someone, so I was thinking more in the extreme.

Your example is him telling you because of some kind of relationship concern, even though it might be a bit irrational. Its not uncommon for guys to dislike a guys girlfriend (most of the time its because they feel she is changed), but if you boyfriend is taking what they're telling him, and then in turn telling you what they are saying, it might be a bit inconsiderate on his part. For all you know he is "enchancing" the stories a bit to keep his worlds separated, guys like to have their friends in one hand and their relationships in the other, but not together. It would drive me nuts if my gf and my friends got along so well that they became friends as well.

Would it be easier if he just didn't tell you about the negative things? Out of sight out of mind kind of thing? You might have more success just not hearing about it over expecting him to correct his friends behaviours. Just a thought.

[Journey2Virtue]

You're right. I didn't think of it that way. Thanks