My girlfriend cannot get over her ex that died

[guywantslove]

Hello everyone,
Thanks for reading this and providing me comments and thoughts.
I have been with my girlfriend now for 6 months. We regularly talk about how much we are in love, how we have found each other’s "one", how we want to get married and have kids etc.
About 4 years ago a guy she was seeing for about 1 year tragically took his own life whilst they were together. I cant start to imagine how hard this was for her at the time. It has now approached the time where the anniversary of his death is here. During this time, she goes through all their old love letters, photos of just them two in romantic and loving themes, videos of them kissing and telling each other how much they love each other and she also posts messages up on facebook telling everyone how much she misses him.
I'm having mixed thoughts on how I feel about this. I really want to be able to support her but I feel uncomfortable about what she has not let go and feel that she should not be bringing the "strong love component" of their old relationship into ours. I feel that she needs to remember him as a person always, but I strongly believe that there needs to be boundaries for what she should be doing around this time of year if she truly wants to move on and fall in love again. We seem to disagree and we have both spoken to our own friends about it and her friends have a completely different opinion to my friends. So I was hoping to get a non bias discussion going on this. Please provide me some feedback on what you believe is appropriate in this situation as I would really like to show further support and not let this be a challenge in our relationship.

[MerryH]

People grieve in weird ways. Going through old photos and whatever on the anniversary of his death seems fine, if a little weird to me. Posting about it on Facebook or letting it upset your relationship in any way is inappropriate and crosses boundaries. She should be allowed to do whatever she needs to remember him, but above all she still has to be respectful of you and sensitive to your feelings, for example, not shoving it in your face or broadcasting how much she misses him.

Seems like it would do her well to work through his death in a more private manner. I wonder why she's being so inflexible about this. Maybe she likes the sympathy and attention it gets her?

[guywantslove]

Thanks for the reply, good to see some feedback from someone I do not know, keeps the content level headed.

Does anyone have any further thoughts perhaps? Anyone been in situation?

[Petit Papillon]

Well I know a woman who's greving and will probably grieve for a long time , but she was with her bf more than 10 years and he was murdered in a very cruel way which made it double so difficult . What I'm trying to say is, you don't know, maybe this guy was love of her life. If she still feels like she misses him, nobody should push her to feel differently. It's not like she's doing it every day... Just this day comes to remind her that she lost someone very very close to her heart. I would be against this if she did that all the time, but if she does that just once a year, just let her have this hard day. With some time, she will not feel the need anymore.
This guy will not still her from you anymore and actually your relationship is pretty new so I think she doesn't feel as much connection to you as she feels to him, even though they were together only one year and he died 4 years ago ... He died, but because she still is grieving, it's like this relationship would keep on going .I think first once you become a bigger part of her life, it's when you can ask for things like that.

[aspie guy]

To be honest, she sounds kind of selfish.

If she really cared about her ex-boyfriend who died then she wouldn't rush it to be with you so quickly.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Aspie guy, you missed what he was saying. The guy killed himself 4 years ago.

Guywantslove, don't say anything about it now, but if she does it again next year then dump her.

[johnfisher]

It's normal for someone to mourn months and even years later, so just be a bit patient with her. However if you get the feeling she will never love you to the same level if not more and you want that, maybe you should think about tell her that you want that and make the appropriate step forward.

[devonbrown]

Grieving does take many different forms and fashions. Given the fact that the boyfriend committed suicide probably adds a lot of weight onto her in addition to his death. She probably feels a sense of guilt and responsibility in a way as well.

It is great that you want to be supportive of her, and I think there is no problem with you being so. However, you said something that I want to focus on for just a minute:

I have been with my girlfriend now for 6 months. We regularly talk about how much we are in love, how we have found each other’s "one", how we want to get married and have kids etc.

You are talking about marriage and children and such after only 6 months together? Maybe that is rushing things just a bit. Maybe she is trying too hard to be in a relationship so she doesn't feel lonely. Maybe she wants to speed up her relationships because she is afraid she will lose someone else the way she lost her boyfriend 4 years ago.
I am not saying you two aren't in love, but I just worry about the speed of which she wants to establish a firm commitment with you. Plus, even though the guy died 4 years ago, that doesn't mean she has let go of him. It could actually be a very fresh wound for her. In which case, you should treat your relationship with caution because she might not be ready to date again, regardless of what she says.

It is definitely a tough situation. Good luck.

[guywantslove]

Thanks for all the comments everyone

Just one further question, I have this collection of old letters and photo's from my previous partners. She has requested that I throw all of these out because I should not hold on to these. From what I understand these are a part of my life too and a history of who I am. I can't see why she should be able to keep all her old stuff from this one person yet I am not allowed to keep my old stuff. This does not seem fair.....afterall he is an ex too.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

It's not fair. Tell her that you're keeping your things as long as she has hers.

[vashti]

I don't think either of you should give up your old photos, letters, etc. They are a part of your history, and when you are little old people, it will be fun for you BOTH to look at these reminders of your youth.

[Wakeup]

Thanks for all the comments everyone

Just one further question, I have this collection of old letters and photo's from my previous partners. She has requested that I throw all of these out because I should not hold on to these. From what I understand these are a part of my life too and a history of who I am. I can't see why she should be able to keep all her old stuff from this one person yet I am not allowed to keep my old stuff. This does not seem fair.....afterall he is an ex too.

Did you tell her that ^^^ and if you did, what was her response. If you didn't tell her that ^^^ then why didn't you?

To be honest, she sounds kind of selfish.

If she really cared about her ex-boyfriend who died then she wouldn't rush it to be with you so quickly.

Actually, I agree with this^^^ OP: It sounds like you are some kind of rebound that sooths her yearning for her lost lover.

my sister is going thru the same thing. its been 7 years and all other bf get jelous. somthing she has to work thru no matter how long it takes

^^^ If ALL her other boyfriends get jealsous and it's been 7 years then perhaps your sister needs some grief counceling/professional help to move on from this. Particularily if ALL her boyfriends are reacting the same way to her actions.

[whenweawake]

my sister is going thru the same thing. its been 7 years and all other bf get jelous. somthing she has to work thru no matter how long it takes

[guywantslove]

Did you tell her that ^^^ and if you did, what was her response. If you didn't tell her that ^^^ then why didn't you?

Actually, I agree with this^^^ OP: It sounds like you are some kind of rebound that sooths her yearning for her lost lover.

Hello, thanks for the reply

Yes, I did tell her this. Her idea was to ensure that we have no photos or letters from our exes because it is the past, however because this guy died she believes that this is an exception and she feels she still needs to keep literally everything. Is that right? To tell you the truth, I dont feel comfortable with her current actions.

[Saya]

Hello, thanks for the reply

Yes, I did tell her this. Her idea was to ensure that we have no photos or letters from our exes because it is the past, however because this guy died she believes that this is an exception and she feels she still needs to keep literally everything. Is that right? To tell you the truth, I dont feel comfortable with her current actions.

This doesn't sound fair...
If your that uncomfortable, she needs to understand this and not being selfish about it...