Tired of the excuses for bad behavior

[P.A.T.G.O.D.]

My girlfriend of four months was treating me poorly last night and this morning. I went to her place last night because she had arranged for us to go out with another couple for dinner - we did that, and she was pleasant to be around and nice to me. As soon as we were alone in the car, a curtain of silence fell and she was very distant. We're both in our 50's...this isn't the first time in a relationship for either of us by any stretch of the imagination.

We went back to her place, and due to some recent day surgery, she announced that we'd have to wait a while before we had sex. Which was perfectly fine with me, I wouldn't pressure her into something that would be uncomfortable for her and more than that, I would want her to WANT sex - and she clearly didn't. Again - no problem and completely understandable.

I get up this morning and she's not in the bed, she's on the computer in the living room. I try to talk to her and I get clipped little one-word answers and exasperated sighs and looks over the glasses that say "Leave me alone". Originally, we had planned to do a daytrip today, but we had discussed last night that due to her discomfort from the surgery, sitting in the car for 6 hours wasn't ideal. OK, no problem, I can switch gears. We decided to just run some local errands. I start asking where she wants to go first and all I get are noncommital answers and harsh looks.

So, I started to pack my stuff up. She asked if I was packing to go and I said "Yep". She said she's sorry for her mood and she just wants to be alone right now. I replied that she's made that quite clear and that I've felt warmer and more welcomed at the Registry of Motor Vehicles. She blames the bad behavior on PMS. I call BS. Sure, I can empathize that she's cramping and uncomfortable on top of the discomfort from the surgery. But it doesn't excuse being deliberately hurtful to someone you've been saying "I love you" to for a while now. I've had three brain surgeries, a bowel resection and two hernia repairs. Never would I use the pain and discomfort to be hurtful to somebody else or to make them feel unwelcome. I was there at HER invitation, for crying out loud! Then to tell me she wanted to be alone?

This is someone for whom I just tracked down and got a very hard-to-find item for Xmas that she was happy to get. Someone who gets lots of love, massages and cuddling. I lsiten to her vent without trying to solve the problem for her, because she's more than capable of handling it - she just wants me to listen. But when it's my turn to vent, all I get is what she thinks *I'm* doing wrong, no matter the situation.
So, I left and I'll be damned if I call or text her. She wants alone? She's got alone. We were supposed to go out together on NYE, but screw that. I think this one is over and as much as it hurts, there's an element of releif at not having to deal with her poor treatment of me anymore.

[Lover14]

even though she says she wants to be alone, she might actually want you to put up a fight for her and text her. If that gets you nowhere, leave her for good and you'll find someone soon enough that would appreciate love and massages!!

[gigigi]

ummmm....i feel like you're totally overreacting. everyone is in a bad mood sometimes, and being in a relationship doesn't change the fact that, as humans, we all get in bad moods sometimes. unless she *always* tells you she wants you to go away and consistently is distant without giving an explanation, i feel like you are being really immature- "she wants to be alone (once) so this relationship is over!" did you even try talking with her about how you feel or are you just huffing about this on your own?

[P.A.T.G.O.D.]

gigigi - This is just the LATEST example. Last Friday was my birthday. We had plans to do dinner that night. On the Tuesday before, I told her I had a bit of a cold. Did she reply with any sympthay? NOPE. She just said that she didn't want to get a cold, so if I don't feel better by Thursday, don't come up on Friday.

To be honest, I think I've always been more into this relationship than she's been. She kept telling me that she was alone for 8 years before she met me and was perfectly happy when she thought that she might be alone for the rest of her life. When I told her that makes me feel kind of expendable and that she would just shrug if I dropped dead tomorrow, she just says: "It is what it is...".

If these were just the only times she's pushed me away emotionally, then I'd rethink this - but it's been four months of making sure I know she doesn't need me and then often treating me badly. It hasn't been ALL bad, but the bad is outweighing the good.

It's not immature. Immature would be hanging on when you know it's not working.

[Cerby]

I agree, if you're not happy with how things are developing then move on. She obviously doesn't care, so walking away was the right thing to do. 4 months isn't long enough to cave in and become submissive to her crappy attitude.

Good on you for having a spine.

[P.A.T.G.O.D.]

Lover14 - we're both in our early 50's. I would think that she would be past playing emotional games like you're describing. Even if she isn't, I'm past the age where I'll play that game. I don't have time for people who want to treat me poorly as part of a manipulation to see if they can make me do something.

[IndiReloaded]

I agree, if you're not happy with how things are developing then move on. She obviously doesn't care, so walking away was the right thing to do. 4 months isn't long enough to cave in and become submissive to her crappy attitude.

Agree with Cerby. She sounds like a crabby old woman who hates you. What can you have possibly done in 4 shorts months to deserve that? Go find a nice, caring woman who is fun to be with and appreciates you. Life is too short for miserable people. :-)

[misombra]

do you live separately? why not just go home?

her: i just want to be alone blagghhhh.

you: okay. bye!

[bcgirl]

I think she is just starting to take you for granted. Let her appreciate what she has while you are gone. She will come running back in no time.

[bulrush]

When I read your first message I thought her excuse was valid. PMS is a real condition, and can be very bad in some women. My mom would go from bitchy to crying in 3 seconds flat with PMS. So I thought you were overreacting in your original message.

Then I read your reply in this same thread with another event. I thought her reply was cold towards you implying you were expendable, and that she didn't really care that much about you. If she wants to be alone, let her be alone. Some people are just like that, or they are not good matches for each other. Some people really need their alone time sometimes, but then they like to be with other people the rest of the time. Maybe she needs alone time during PMS, or maybe she's chatting with another man online.

It's up to you to decide how much of this you can take. Don't you think there might be a better match out there somewhere?

[P.A.T.G.O.D.]

Well, she came over yesterday - NYE - and told me that she's figured out that she never loved me. She doesn't know that she can love anyone that way, anymore.

So, the breakup was the best thing for both of us.

Still, the silence here is all the heavier for knowing that I'll be bearing it alone now. But, that's life.

[bcgirl]

well let 2012 be a new start! You've only invested 4 months in it...no biggie.

[Phoenix23]

It does sound like she's afraid of letting herself love and become dependent emotionally on someone else. It would take away the control she has being content on her own.
In which case you shouldn't feel like bad about yourself, there was nothing you could really do. Just gotta move on and find someone who is willing to return your love.

[Cerby]

Sounds like she has some unresolved emotional issues from somewhere in her past that she never really addressed.

[misombra]

Well, she came over yesterday - NYE - and told me that she's figured out that she never loved me. She doesn't know that she can love anyone that way, anymore.

So, the breakup was the best thing for both of us.

Still, the silence here is all the heavier for knowing that I'll be bearing it alone now. But, that's life.

well that's nice. better that she broke it off then let herself get used to being such a bitch to you.