Sick & tired of excuses. (Advice?)

[Delicious Sin]

I'm not exactly sure how to go about explaining my situation. It's a bit complicated and bizarre and perhaps even ridiculous. But I'm going to give it a go.

I've been in a relationship for almost two years with a guy I've met over the internet. He's 28 and lives in Cali. I'm 20 and live in Maryland. Things seemed to have moved pretty quickly (as they seem to do with internet relationships in my experience.) We got to know each other rather quickly through instant messaging and talking on the phone. I feel as if I know him better than anyone, and visa versa. We've discuss pretty much every aspect of our relationship (moving in together, marriage, children, etc.) He really seems like a dream come true.

But we do have our problems. We bicker over the stupidest things at times. Some of it's trivial bullshit and some of it is serious. But at the end of the day, we seem to be okay with the issues. Except one, really critical thing.

A bit of history: In March of last year, he decided he wanted to come out and see me and perhaps have me move back to Cali with him. Due to a fear of flying, he decided to drive. I was all excited and ready to go. But he got sick with H. Pylori. For those who don't want to go googling, it's a bacterial infection in the stomach and digestive system. Because of the H. Pylori, he developed two ulcers in his stomach, which caused him to vomit blood and other very unpleasant things. So he had to stop at a hospital in TX. Things seemed to get better with treatment and medical attention, so he was released. He drove closer and closer to MD. Stopping in VA for the same reason. Released then somehow ended up in WV and was in a hospital there. Complications from a medication called Levaquin (a heavy duty antibiotic), delayed his release. He recovered from the medication allergy and his H. Pylori seemed to be getting better. He finally made it to MD but was hospitalized again. While in the hospital in MD, he was given Levaquin AGAIN, which caused more complications and delayed him again. The hospital referred him to a better equipped hospital in MD. Which he's been at since December of THIS year.

Meanwhile, I had some issues with my driver's licenses and they were suspended and all kinds of all crap. I finally got everything straightened out before Christmas. He had promised me that I could come see him on Xmas eve if he hadn't been released. I drove all the way to the hospital (45 min drive) and he refused to let me come inside and see him. (I tried calling the hospital to get the room number, but due to a privacy notice he signed they can't release that information to me because I'm not family.) I was upset, so my Xmas pretty much sucked.

Fast forward to the present. I've been trying to get him to let me come see him but he refuses to allow it. He claims that he doesn't want me to meet him for the first time in a hospital. While I understand where he's coming from, I'm pretty much past the whole "Omg you're sick, I feel so sorry for you" crap. I just want to be there for him and try to give him some comfort. I don't pity him, but I do empathize with his situation. And personally, the current situation isn't providing me with the emotional support that I need. I mean, the man I love is laying in a hospital alone, sick and scared. It's tearing me apart and upsets me quite frequently.

He's made "promises" like this before. "If I'm not out by ---, you can come see me." Then he turns around and says "I'm being released today or tomorrow." or "I don't want you to see me this way." Etc. I understand where he's coming from, but I'm tired of the excuses. All I want is to be with him. I wouldn't care if he were missing half of his face, as long as I could be with him.

We got into an argument last night about it. Well, it was more like me begging him to let me come see him and him telling me that he's being released soon and that I need to stop asking. So I ended up telling him something along the lines of: "I know you're doing the best you can, but it's not good enough. It's not fair to expect me to wait around like it's 1945 and you're returning from the war and all I can do is wait. We're both adults and I think we're both capable of handling the situation like adults. If you can't act like an adult and treat me like an adult, and allow me to come see you, then you're not the man I thought you were."
As you can imagine, it didn't go over very well with him and he ended up hanging up on me and didn't answer the text message I sent.

So, I guess what I'm asking is.. What do I do? Do I just wait for him to be released and let him come to me? Or do I somehow get him to let me come see him? I don't want to end the relationship because I do love him and he seems to love me. And I don't think it'd be really fair to break off the relationship just because he got sick and wants to act like a stubborn jackass.

[vashti]

On the one hand, I wouldn't want to meet someone for the first time when in a hospital for H. pylori. The guy is going to have almost continuous diarrhea, and he will look and feel like crap. They may also have him in isolation, depending on the severity of his symptoms.

On the other hand, maybe he is trying to keep you from meeting any other visitors that may be there. Are you sure he isn't married?

[Delicious Sin]

I did a background check on him when we first started getting serious. There were no marriage records. Can those be kept private?

And the H. Pylori is at the point where he doesn't have continuous diarrhea. Which is why he says they're going to be releasing him any day now. He says that they just want his blood results return to normal before they release him. As I mentioned in the OP, I can't get any information from the hospital due to the privacy notice. So all I have to go on is his word.

[Boisdevie]

Is he really in hospital where he says he is. You have no proof of anything. Sounds to me like he's jerking your chain.

[Delicious Sin]

I called the hospital. They said he is a patient there, but they couldn't release any information other than that due to the privacy notice. So, he's at least partially telling the truth. It just sort of bugs me that he would tell me one day that I can come see him, then the next tell me I can't. I don't think it's a matter of him lying to me, but due to insecurities. And personally, I thought we were beyond the point of silly things like that. But I guess I was wrong =\

[xxazurexx]

Hmmm...have you actually met this guy, I mean 'in the flesh'. Need to know that before I can reply properly.

[Delicious Sin]

No, not "in the flesh'.. I suppose that's part of the problem too.

[xxazurexx]

Ahh right...so she's never met him.

Ok then, here's my take.

If he's being genuine, I'm not surprised that he doesn't want to meet you for the first time in a hospital and because if this was me with some guy, I wouldn't want him to see me or meet me from a hospital bed either. Quite simply because I wouldn't be looking my best and I'd want to look my very best and when we met. But then I'm female, we worry about our looks and stuff....well I do anyway and I just wouldn't want a guy I'd never met face to face, to visit at a hospital bed. I figure a man wouldn't want you seeing him at his worst either.

Honestly, I'd just respect his wishes and wait until he was out of there.

[Delicious Sin]

I understand where you're coming from. Sometimes I'm good about it, like I don't ask or beg or whatever to come see him. But other times, I just so badly want to see him that I can't help myself. I suppose this is just one of those things that I need to sit back and learn from. "Patience is a virtue" "Good things come to those that wait" etc.

[xxazurexx]

I understand where you're coming from. Sometimes I'm good about it, like I don't ask or beg or whatever to come see him. But other times, I just so badly want to see him that I can't help myself. I suppose this is just one of those things that I need to sit back and learn from. "Patience is a virtue" "Good things come to those that wait" etc.

I know what's it like and when you are longing to meet someone because I've been in your situation with a guy I met online

I can understand your wanting to be there more so and to help him and care for him at his time of need.

But yes, I'd just be a little more patient, he will probably be out of there soon anyway.

Good Luck to you both btw

[Delicious Sin]

Thanks! I'll let you guys know how it goes.

[xxazurexx]

Thanks! I'll let you guys know how it goes.

Yeah that would be good. Always interesting to read updates

[Delicious Sin]

Also, I just sent him a text apologizing for what I said to him last night before he hung up on me. Hopefully it'll make things a little less stressful between us when he wakes up today.

[vashti]

Are you sure he's even really a patient? Call the hospital and ask to be transferred to his room.

[gigigi4]

so...has he been hospitalized for almost 9 months then?? or almost 2 years?? i wasn't sure which you meant by last/this year. idk but something seems really strange to me, mainly due to the length of this situation...even if he didn't want to meet you for the first time in the hospital, since so much time has passed and he is right in your home state, to me to seems natural that he would want to meet you anyway if you are in a serious relationship. have his family come out to md to see him? what about his work? i'm sorry, i'm just really confused by the specifics here.