Starting over - still wary

[ladygrey]

Hello again to everyone!

Ive posted about this before so please feel free to look over my old posts to get the background info.
Brief summary: On and off seeing someone for about a year and a half, emotional rollercoaster. He said he'd rather be friends. We cut contact for several months, thought that was it for good. (We are both 30).

He got in touch again last October wanting to start again. I was very wary but gave him a chance and we've been seeing each other since then and Im pleasantly surprised that in general he does seem genuine and seems to being keeping up his end of the bargain. He travels two hours to see me most weekends, sometimes during the week. He makes plans and sticks to them. He sends me a text most other days to touch base. He invited me to his birthday party and treated me as his girlfriend in front of his family and friends, he has been around my friends and made an effort with them.

There are a few things though that Im not sure are even issues or just me being overly cautious considering the history between us.

When he was initially trying to 'win me back' He said when we cut contact he had "gone off the rails" for a while He then did alot of thinking about himself and how he deals with things, even saw a counselor. He told me he had decided to let some friendships go and that "going off the rails" wasn't for him anymore. I didn't want to ask him the details of this at the time because I was overwhelmed by everything he was telling me. After a few weeks I asked what he had done when he said he had gone off the rails, he told me he would tell me at a later date. He is a man that is fond of partying anyway so I wonder what more went on that he considers to be too much partying. When I asked him what he had learned about himself that had changed his outlook on our relationship he said it was personal. I realise some things are private but shouldn't he be willing to let me in, in some way? Its only been about 6-8 weeks so far, maybe its too early?


Id love some opinions, thank you.

[bulrush]

This guy doesn't want to share anything personal, at all. He sounds like he fears intimacy, and has a hard time trusting people. Some people are like that. Really, isn't intimacy about sharing different things? Like thoughts, hopes, dreams, and sex? I mean, let's admit it, sex in part of it too.

[ladygrey]

Well, yes I agree, Intimacy is about sharing lots of things, not just sex. What can I do about it though? Should I just wait and see whether he finally starts to open up? Whats a reasonable time to wait for that? Or do I try to encourage him to talk to me and how?

[Wakeup]

I dunno, ladygrey.. you've had a long history of trouble/complications with this guy starting with how you two even got started as a couple and, to me his being secretive is yet another red flag. Proceed on a yellow flag (slowly and with caution like he's doing) until you find out what it is he's too walled up to trust you with knowing.

[ladygrey]

Hi again,

Ive received plenty of advice on this before and I'm grateful for it. Now I'm just worn out and want to get it off my chest, Im sorry if I come across as a total idiot. This has really been a very emotionally draining experience.

Last weekend the man Ive spoken about previously was due to visit me on Saturday afternoon and spend the weekend with me. He knew my dog was sick and Id be taking her to the vet that morning. Saturday afternoon came and I had heard nothing from him. I tried calling his phone but he didn’t pick up. I sent him a text asking when he expected to be arriving and that my dog had been put to sleep. After a few hours I tried calling again, still no answer so I got a bit worried and tried to call a friend of his but there was no answer from him either. I sent another text asking him to let me know if something had happened.

Eventually he called at 7.30pm to say that he had been asleep all day after drinking the whole night with his friends. He said he could drive to see me then. I said no. He said he could be there the following morning at noon so I agreed.
He eventually showed up at 1.30pm. I was not happy at all.

We spoke and he understood how upset I was and that I have misgivings about continuing with the relationship with so many problems. But something else came out that upset me during our talk.

In the first round of our ‘relationship’ when we were never official, he slept with a girl both he and his sister are friends with. I asked him to cut contact with her, he said he would but never did and said it was because it was too awkward with all their shared friends. He is now no longer friends with this girl, I asked him why and he told me it was because his sister fell out with her over a guy she liked. I’m quite hurt that my feelings were so much less important to him than a petty little argument his sister had.

I told him there was never any room for a girlfriend in his life because his sister is filling that role. And I think it’s strange that she has such influence over him and thinks it’s any of her business who he's going out with (she refused to even say hello to me at his birthday party). He was quite insulted by that.

He left yesterday evening saying he'd visit me next weekend. I said I’d rather not plan a visit until I see how I feel. I barely slept last night thinking of everything and I texted him this morning saying I’m really bothered by his reasons for ending the friendship with the girl he slept with. His response was to say Id made very hurtful and judgmental insinuations about his family, that it sounded like I didn’t want a relationship and I was trying to put all the blame on him.

I have no idea why I let him back into my life when I already knew it was so unhealthy and unhappy. He tells me he loves me and I have said it back but I’m not sure I actually do anymore. I know the only obvious answer is to leave him and never look back. I’m just worn out, and my dog is no longer with me on top of everything

I guess the hardest part is taking good advice and acting on it.

[Wakeup]

He is a man that is fond of partying

Eventually he called at 7.30pm to say that he had been asleep all day after drinking the whole night with his friends

Those two things alone would be enough for me to break up with him. If he's still doing shit like that at 30 it's very,very unlikely that it's going to stop anytime soon. Do you think you could be happy with a problem drinker? I know I couldn't.

You know what you have to do anyway, You just need the guts to do it.

[ladygrey]

I know your right. Thank you. Hopefully the fact that Im no longer even sure what I see in him is the stepping stone I need to break away completely.