afraid of losing

[jaynapaz]

There is this guy who told me that he is afraid to lose me. One time, both of us together with friends hang out to a bar. He knows that I don't like guys who drink ( liqours) but he still took shots.

I went home early for I do have a curfew. After that, he texted me asking what I am thinking about him. He is so bothered that I might not accept him for what hehas done. I asked him why he is acting that way, and then he just told me that he is afraid of losing me.

However, the thing is he has a girlfriend. We've talked about that issue,and he told me that he just want me to stay ( not because he is using me but I am the only one who could understand him _ he said).

I'm confused what does he really feel for me. Why would a guy do such a thing?

[smackie9]

If he acts like a jerk when he drinks then your complaint is legitimate but since you never mentioned any bad behavior he isn't like that. Since you are not dating, he can do whatever he wants...your expectations of him are not justifiable. If you don't like guys who drink, find friends that don't, and don't go to places where alcohol is served.

This guy obviously has a crush on you, and is quite happy to be friends with you, but you don't own him. You act like he committed a such a horrible crime, but guess what drinking is legal. I think it's very pretentious of you to think he did you wrong by having a few drinks. I suspect you are living with your parents with strict rules, and are somewhat religious, or you are on parole living at a halfway house and had a bad run with abusive men who drink.

Girls like you are called stuck up.

[andstuff]

you never mentioned what function in your life you would ideally like to allocate him

and its always best not to be judgmental about anything and label people as good (or not) based on some subjective criteria. think of a vegan who is only ready to share their life with another vegan and would reject a person simply based on what they eat irrespective of compatibility and tons of good qualities. know what i mean? this would only make the judged and rejected one suffer.

drinking and alcoholism are not 100% correlated, so having a few drinks once in a while is not a crime against anyone

other than that, it's quite a dubious position, sleeping with one person but fulfilling spiritual needs elsewhere. i would hate to end up in that situation with someone i'd really want in my life. it might be painful but i'd walk away and make him want to come closer himself. men are selfish by nature and want everything to happen on their terms (those who arent are virgins and desperate scum who stand no chance of being with a girl, a paradox but well....), so its always good to remind them "you can't always get what you want".

[smackie9]

It's not just guys, it's people in general that take advantage of people's hearts on their own terms. You should be not worried about him having a few shots.... that's futile. You should be worried about the fact you are being emotionally led on with his bs promises.

[Incognito]

Thank you smackie for injecting a little bit of [un]bias into this to lessen the negativity.

[jaynapaz]

thank you for your opinions. I appreciate them much. to clear myself, i am not that close minded about drinking. Occasional drinkers are fine with me. I know and I understand that it is also a part of social life.

I don't really mind what he has done, and I also told him that it's completely okay. I know I don't have any right over him. That is why I am really confused why does my opinion really matters for him. I know he is seriously bothered, he even ask one of my friends if I had said something.

another thing I want to tell is that he and his gf is on a rocky relationship( 3rd party- girl's side). I can say that he is really into the girl for he stand to stay with her despite the issue. yet don't want to let go of me as well. Sometimes I feel that I am his 2nd option

I wanted to stay away with the situation. Yet I don't know what I am going to say if he would ask me why I am leaving. Also I don't want to show him that I am into him and that I am affected with his feeling for his gf.

[smackie9]

Never believe anyone that tells you their relationship is rocky, most of the time it's bull s hit. If it was that bad he wouldn't be with her, he would be with you am I right? Like I said he is using you emotionally.....they call it an emotional affair. There maybe things lacking in his relationship but that doesn't mean it's big trouble. You are only filling a partial need. He's never going to leave her, lets put it that way and yes you are wasting your time.

Tip: never get cozy with someone who is in a relationship, for one thing it's wrong. You will get burned because they still love their GF and or ex. They always go back and you will lose.


Just be honest and straight with the guy, and don't let him hand you more bull s hit.

Follow your gut instinct....you know hanging on isn't right.

[jaynapaz]

thanks much. guess I know now what's the best thing to do. I am not gonna waste any of my time for him from now on...

[andstuff]

It's not just guys, it's people in general that take advantage of people's hearts on their own terms. You should be not worried about him having a few shots.... that's futile. You should be worried about the fact you are being emotionally led on with his bs promises.

um what i meant was women are less likely to do this kind of thing, friendzoning a guy for example is not taking advantage of his heart.

but OP's friend seems to do something different. he wants her to RATIFY whatever he's doing, ratify his ambiguous behaviour, ratify his messing with her mind, ratify his using her as the second option. i have come across it and its uber-painful. and then they accuse you of hurting them by refusing to ratify whatever crap they do, because guess what they feel emotionally uncomfortable and how you feel sort of never influences the picture. i haven't met women who are like this. without being sexist or anything.

[smackie9]

An emotional affair or an affair, they are the same deal......It's what people in general do as an escape from being unsatisfied with their relationship. The attention "stimulates them" gives them an ego boost. It's very addicting like a drug. People who are addicted will manipulate and not care about the other person to get what they want.

[jaynapaz]

I'm starting to love this forum. You guys gave me realizations about the situation I am into. Really, I've learned a lot.

But now, I feel so stupid for letting him to use me and worst is I am into him now. I am now keeping my distance yet I hate it for I can't deny the fact that I am still affected for what had happened.

anyways, I am grateful that I've come across to this site. I really need someone/ some people to talk to and share what I am feeling right now...

[andstuff]

I'm starting to love this forum. You guys gave me realizations about the situation I am into. Really, I've learned a lot.

But now, I feel so stupid for letting him to use me and worst is I am into him now. I am now keeping my distance yet I hate it for I can't deny the fact that I am still affected for what had happened.

anyways, I am grateful that I've come across to this site. I really need someone/ some people to talk to and share what I am feeling right now...

guess you wouldn't have started a thread without having feelings for him : )

well you have to assess how seriously into him you are... basically, a lot of men are like this, they require unconditional acceptance, so this is something you might have to cope with in one person or another. also, many don't really have to have a sexual relationship to satisfy their spiritual needs. the long and short of it is that if he comes to want to be with you then he will make an effort. and it is hard accepting that you are not needed in the kind of way you want, there's nothing anyone can change about this. if he is afraid of losing you he'll go to greater lengths than just telling you not to go, otherwise its just pointless babble.

you have the right to go after what you want if you don't mind putting yourself at risk, emotionally. in that case try making him make efforts to be around you and see where it takes you. just establish your priorities. getting the romance you want vs lessening the amount of suffering potentially to come.

last but not least, i wouldn't really trust a guy who can dump a long-term girlfriend (NOT someone for strictly fun and dating purposes) for someone else, which would mean he can treat me just the same. once a traitor always a traitor. but this might be my hang up, i've been betrayed really bad in my life so i just believe extra caution might be advisable, because i wouldn't survive another such nightmare.