Violence? He's justifying his stupid decision. I'm confused of what to do.

[Jjo]

I love my boyfriend, we've been together for almost 2 years now. I realized a lot changes in 2 years though. I am learning what I like, what I don't like, what I want in a relationship and what I don't.

At first everything seemed so nice with him, and lately for the past few months there have been some rough spots. I suppose all relationships have ups and downs though. But I'll get frustrated with how he seems to disregard my feelings sometimes, things he'll say, or things he'll do.

On another note of what can frustrate me, he's 18 now, and his mentality just is so immature at times. He's been suspended from school 2 times since I've known him. One was for "sticking up for me" the other was an "accidental reaction to being scared" and now he is suspended again for a 3rd time. Why? Because here's what happened: some kid was throwing something at him on the bus. My boyfriend has reported this before but the kid still threw things regardless of the report. I've advised my boyfriend to ignore the kid or at least to be consistent with reporting it so it can be taken care of in a mature way. My boyfriend only made one report on the kid. A few months goes by and hey, what do you know, it's Friday, February 10th. The same kid starts throwing things again and this time it aggravates my boyfriend. What does he do? He storms to the back of the bus and punches the kid dead in the face making the kid bleed. Kids held him back to tell him to calm down. He texted me telling me he got into a fight and i asked what happened. For 40 minutes he didn't get back to me and I was worried so I nervously went to his house myself to see what happened. I found him crying about the incident because he was "heart broken" because he said it upset him how everyone looked frightened when he was mad and that he didn't want to be a bully. He asked me if I thought he was a violent person. I asked "well why didn't you stop yourself then?" and he said to me "I was always bullied. I thought me hitting the kid was a way to stick up for the little boy I once was who never could stick up for himself". I mean I understand how hard bullying is, I was bullied growing up too. But I let those grudges go and moved on. I don't let people get to me anymore. And he seems to still hold onto those grudges and be resentful/bitter. There's ALWAYS pricks in the world, but you can't just punch everyone who is annoying or an asshole. You get to a certain point where you just grow up and realize there's better ways to handle things than that. But my boyfriend saw it as self defense which was completely idiotic because the kid was throwing small objects like pencil erasers, my boyfriend threw his whole fist in the kid's face and made him bleed. After his father talked to my boyfriend and after I talked to him too he seemed to feel bad about the situation and agree that what he did was wrong.

For some reason today he completely changed how he saw the situation and his overall perspective. I said how he's suspended and he told me things like "I really needed this break. I deserve it" I said "it's unfortunate how you obtained this "break" I'm not happy that you're suspended" and he told me "well he got what he deserved. I'm not happy about the suspension but I look at it positively" and I asked "how is ruining your reputation positive?" and he told me "from my point of view he was evil and I'm good. So I see nothing wrong with him being hit. Look at it this way, if no one helps you, you have to help yourself. And I did. It took me a while to realize this but I was a better person from the start. I never bully anyone so I deserve to. Sorry, I respectfully disagree."

And that just blew my mind. He said he never wanted to be seen as a bully when this first happened Friday, yet now he is apparently telling me what he did was justified. I love him but this scares me. I think I have every right to be scared too, right? I mean what happens when he is at a job, and I'd be with him, trying to start a future, and he'd get mad at a coworker, a customer, or his boss... Would he just punch them in the face if they were being pricks too? Or me!? What if he becomes so angry that he can't control himself and then just hits me too? I don't want to have to worry about that, but his mentality and the way he thinks what he did wasn't wrong makes me believe something like this could happen. I'm 19 years old now, I'm getting older, I know what I want in a relationship... And I don't think this is it. It's like I still love him but I don't know what to do or what to say to him. Advice?

[pisces25]

You posted about your relationship not long ago. Although it was a different issue it would appear that there are a number of things pissing you off about your BF. Perhaps the 'love' you feel is just an attachment coz you have been with him so long? In any case, you seem way more mature than him and it looks as though you twoare starting to head in different directions. Listen to what your gut is telling you about this guy. No one can tell you whether to stay with him or not but if you look hard enough within you will see the answer.

[Jambona]

If someone threw something at me I would consider that assault. Your boyfriend reported it. In typical fashion his report was ignored and nothing changed. At that point, whether it's considered okay or not, whether it's against the rules or not, he had every right as a human being to put a stop to the harassment himself. Kudos to him for standing up for himself.

Don't blame him for getting angry. Blame an impotent school system that does nothing for those who seek help.

[Red Apollo]

There is a difference between standing up for yourself in a mature manner, and just decking a guy in the face. He escalated it far more than he needed to. Pencil erasers don't equal a right cross if you ask me. Of course he "felt bad" after the situation. He realized he was in trouble and that people were disappointed in him, so he just "felt bad" to appease everyone. You can tell by how he suddenly felt so great about what he did later. He brought himself down to the bully kid's level, and now he even has the mindset to go with it. That "I'm good hes evil" line is bullshit too. From that kids point of view your boyfriend is evil and he is good, its all subjective. He just tells himself that to make himself feel better.

You can stand up for yourself without resorting to violence, it isn't hard. You can even look like a total badass doing it. People with anger/maturity problems go for the violent solution, especially over something so insignificant. Everyone thinks about how great it would be to punch that annoying guy in the third row, or to just deck your prick boss right in front of all your coworkers. The thing is, reasonable, normal people don't actually do it.

Some girls love guys who get into fights, and think it is the sexiest thing ever. You obviously don't. You might just try to discuss it with him further after he cools down a bit, and tell him how you feel about his behavior with this whole situation. If he isn't willing to work with you at all, gets super defensive and/or hostile about it, he might not be the guy for you. There are plenty of other guys out there.

[Jambona]

He told the kid to stop. He reported it. Nothing changed. I promise you that kid isn't going to be throwing erasers at your boyfriend or anyone else for that matter. Men stand up for themselves. That kid wouldn't have been throwing erasers in the first place if he knew he'd be held accountable. Knowing that there are immediate and swift repercussions goes a long way toward making people act civil.

[Red Apollo]

Punching someone in the face isn't acting civil. Its quite the opposite in fact. This kid is lucky, because if he were out in the real world instead of on the local school bus his "swift and immediate repercussions" would be him in the back of a police cruiser. He wouldn't be spending a few days sitting at home playing Xbox. There are many other choices he could have taken when reporting it failed. I'm all for throwing down when it hits the fan. However, at his age he should be able to handle some pencil erasers without going for his Billy Badass license.

[Jambona]

Knowing that you'll get punched in the face means you won't be throwing things. It means you won't be insulting random people. It means you aren't going to screw over the person next to you.

Which means you don't get punched in the face to begin with.

It's a cycle. When you know you'll be punished for misbehavior you're more likely to behave. If I could walk over to the nearest Mercedes dealership and snatch a car with no repercussions you better believe I'd be driving a brand new S-Class. I don't do that because I know I'll be dragged out of the driver's seat and thrown face-first into the dirt by a pack of pissed off cops soon after.

[Red Apollo]

When someone cuts me off on the highway, I don't pull them out of their car and punch them in the face. Would they learn their lesson if I did? Yes. Does that mean its acceptable code of conduct? Absolutely not.

Its an annoyance, and should be countered as such. Not escalated.

[bulrush]

Because here's what happened: some kid was throwing something at him on the bus.

School authorities fail to protect the kids over and over again. I actually support him punching the kid, because your bf WAS being bullied. However, the consequence was to get suspended.

There is another way to go about this. Get the police involved. What the kid was doing throwing things at your bf is called "battery" in Michigan. Hm, I wonder if this is actually "assault". Since the school refuses to get involved, call the police because the paper-thrower was breaking the law. Then call the newspapers too. Nothing will get done unless the press gets involved.

Once you get a copy of the school's handbook containing the rules, you will have proof how often the school breaks its own rules.