Man... did I kill it?

[Mathias]

Ugh, this is where I get lost in all this "NC" stuff.

So she just texted me saying "Hey, how are you doing? I'm sorry to bother you but really need to know that you're okay. I feel terrible." I just wrote back "Hey! No worries, I'm fine, love." and got no response, but now wonder whether she'll interpret this as me not giving a damn about her anymore (she flips between highly insecure and overconfident every five minutes). What do you think, is this enough or should I say more?

You shouldn't say anything. She's playing games with you.

Rise above it.

[ChrisMac]

You shouldn't say anything. She's playing games with you.

Rise above it.

I don't know, it seems cruel to just cut her off cold, ignoring her entirely, when she already asked if it was okay to call from time to time while she works out her own s#$& and I said yes. She's dealing with a number of problems right now, and it seems overly dramatic of me -- also playing a game -- to not respond at all. I'll never initiate or give more than a few words of response, but I probably also won't just tell her to f#%& off entirely via the silent treatment. Or am I missing the point?

[Mathias]

I don't know, it seems cruel to just cut her off cold, ignoring her entirely, when she already asked if it was okay to call from time to time while she works out her own s#$& and I said yes. She's dealing with a number of problems right now, and it seems overly dramatic of me -- also playing a game -- to not respond at all. I'll never initiate or give more than a few words of response, but I probably also won't just tell her to f#%& off entirely via the silent treatment. Or am I missing the point?

I like that you're open to new ideas - that shows a lot of good in your personality.

Look - you're not being a dick by ignoring her. You can tell her "Hey, we both need time. It's best if we don't talk for a while." You're not playing games, you're telling her how it is - and it's the best for both of you.

As much as you'd like to be, you're not the only person in the world that can help her with her problems. Don't be that punching bag.

[ChrisMac]

I like that you're open to new ideas - that shows a lot of good in your personality.

Look - you're not being a dick by ignoring her. You can tell her "Hey, we both need time. It's best if we don't talk for a while." You're not playing games, you're telling her how it is - and it's the best for both of you.

As much as you'd like to be, you're not the only person in the world that can help her with her problems. Don't be that punching bag.

Yeah, she just texted again saying she's still worried about me. I ended up responding with an email that I hope sounded pretty final, just saying that I'm absolutely fine, just surprised and sad, but I'm excited about the future and hope she's able to in time work out her issues where she's as excited about hers. Probably wasn't short and mean enough but it said what I felt and after this I see no reason to continue to communicate.

[Mathias]

Yeah, she just texted again saying she's still worried about me. I ended up responding with an email that I hope sounded pretty final, just saying that I'm absolutely fine, just surprised and sad, but I'm excited about the future and hope she's able to in time work out her issues where she's as excited about hers. Probably wasn't short and mean enough but it said what I felt and after this I see no reason to continue to communicate.

It's not about being mean, please let me make that clear. It's about being direct.

Being direct, especially right now, is actually the nicest thing you can do for her long-term.

[ChrisMac]

It's not about being mean, please let me make that clear. It's about being direct.

Being direct, especially right now, is actually the nicest thing you can do for her long-term.

I buy that 100%. She replied saying that I seem to have gotten over her surprisingly easily, and that subconsciously she must have made the right choice, she won't be contacting me anymore, goodbye. As this is not what I wanted to convey either, I (probably stupidly) then again replied telling her that of course I'm devastated, but we both know no amount of crying or begging or sending flowers will do anything except push her away more, and that if and when she's ever ready for a real, committed, honest relationship, she should come find me, but until then hope she just focuses on her own problems and I wish her the best, I hope she understands.

Clearly she's trying to manipulate me and I'm taking the bait. That's it now for real. I've said everything I want to say, done, moving on.

[searock]

Maybe she isn't deliberately trying to manipulate you, but just needs to feel like you *need* her enough to the point you are willing to beg for her to take you back. You did say she is very insecure, this sounds like what a very insecure person would (subconsciously) do. Her message saying that "clearly you don't care for her" is the proof that she just needs to feel needed.

I'm not saying that you should do anything different from what you are doing, I'm just trying to explain what might be happening from her point of view.

[Mathias]

Maybe she isn't deliberately trying to manipulate you, but just needs to feel like you *need* her enough to the point you are willing to beg for her to take you back. You did say she is very insecure, this sounds like what a very insecure person would (subconsciously) do. Her message saying that "clearly you don't care for her" is the proof that she just needs to feel needed.

I'm not saying that you should do anything different from what you are doing, I'm just trying to explain what might be happening from her point of view.

Listen to searock. She knows stuff.

(hey, old shtick is welcome, right?)

[ChrisMac]

Maybe she isn't deliberately trying to manipulate you, but just needs to feel like you *need* her enough to the point you are willing to beg for her to take you back. You did say she is very insecure, this sounds like what a very insecure person would (subconsciously) do. Her message saying that "clearly you don't care for her" is the proof that she just needs to feel needed.

I'm not saying that you should do anything different from what you are doing, I'm just trying to explain what might be happening from her point of view.

No, that's pretty much what I thought as well. She has a unique ability to twist my best intentions to be demeaning of herself, this was no different. She can take my last email as a sincere message that of course I care but can't be expected to go nuts trying to get her back. My lack of contact with her since yesterday is likely also upsetting her. Not sure what more I can do to let her know I still care but can't go through this again.

[IndiReloaded]

So just found that she hid a card in my bag with the following message: "Baby, I must be crazy to do that, I probably will regret it in a few days... I am sorry for hurting both of us, but the 'lost feeling' needs to appear again. I will find the way, I'll try... cause I know that what we had was very special. I hope you will forgive me."

So... she's a headcase...

Yes, good job seeing this. Drama-alert. Run away before you get shredded.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You can quit playing her game. Next time she contacts you, tell her not to contact you at all, for any reason, other than getting back together. Ignore all contact from that point on that does not start with, "I want to get back together."

You started off really well, but geez have you fallen off the wagon. Just be "mean." That's clearly what she wants.

[ChrisMac]

You can quit playing her game. Next time she contacts you, tell her not to contact you at all, for any reason, other than getting back together. Ignore all contact from that point on that does not start with, "I want to get back together."

You started off really well, but geez have you fallen off the wagon. Just be "mean." That's clearly what she wants.

Yeah, I really did. You're so right. I'm a schmuck. After the last email she started messaging me and I fell for it, telling her of course I still care, but we both really need space, why don't we take a few weeks off and see where we each stand then. She liked that plan. I said I did too. She then said we're such an amazing Whatsapp couple, and that she wants me to keep messaging her anytime. She did her usual (for when we were together) cute teasing good night thing, which I thought then was a good sign but now makes me realize I completely made her comfortable again in the chat. God damn it.

If she messages me again I'm just going to call (if I text it'll be taken in the wrong tone) and firmly say I don't want to keep going back and forth like this, you mean a great deal to me but please don't contact me unless you're serious about trying to fix this. I think I can stick to that.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

It's fine if you text her. She's going to take it in whatever context she wants to. Texting puts it in plain English for her to see, and it's also a more detached way. Have you started looking for other girls yet? That is the key. Don't pretend to be moving on, start actually moving on.