Man... did I kill it?

[ChrisMac]

So I posted here before about a girl I was seeing long-distance, and now that that distance is over, I think I killed the relationship. Let me know what you think.

So I dated a girl from another city all last fall while I was in school in another city. We were hot and heavy, texting and flirting every day, and when we got together on weekends it was unbelievable. Spent two different weeks together in November and December and it was great, all our friends thought we were amazing, I was just nuts about her and she said she was crazy about me. I found out I got a new full-time job in her city, starting in one month. Even better.

Then the job told me they couldn't actually start me until April 1. Bummer. With no income until the new job started, and needing a visa to even live there, I had to go home and live with my parents for Christmas and New Year's. I wanted to fly to see her for New Year's -- we both wanted it insanely badly -- but I couldn't get together the $1200 for it. So we texted every day, sent funny photos, talked about life. Sometimes it was difficult -- her ex-boyfriend at one point went crazy trying to get her back but she refused -- and in the end my new job moved my start date up until mid-February. Terrific. In the last weeks she had gotten a little argumentative over silly topics, and one day just quit her job spontaneously with no backup to turn to, but she seemed generally okay and we were both so excited. Two weeks before I come over she says I might be the most amazing person she's ever met (clearly her judgment isn't perfect).

So after two months of waiting, finally the day comes and I arrive to stay with her for a week before moving into my new place. Immediately I can tell something's wrong. She's colder, seems to be trying too hard, does all the caring things girlfriends do but now it seems fake. I ask her what's wrong and she says nothing, everything's great, I'm seeing something that isn't there. This goes on and just gets worse for the next four days. Sometimes she acts like the girl I remember, other times she's cold as hell. I continue to act the overly sensitive clinger and ask her what happened... has she lost feelings? She laughs and insists no, I'm crazy.

Last night we both barely sleep but also don't talk, and this morning after I again ask her what's up, she finally confesses and says that since I've been back she's lost some of the feelings she had before Christmas. I ask what this means, does she want to break up, and crying she says no, absolutely not, but says she really needs space and time alone, and we've been together way too much in the past few days. She keeps repeating that she's so sorry, that I'm such a "good person", that she just wants to feel like she did before Christmas. So I tell her I'll move out and into my new place immediately, no worries, that she can have the time she needs and we'll work from there. She cries some more, then finally says after our talk she's feeling better. I pack up and go.

Since then she's texted once to ask how I am, then again to ask whether or not it was intentional that the only thing I left behind was the tie she gave me for Christmas. (it wasn't.) I'm for now going to play it cool but nice, not initiating contact but not being cold either, and see where it goes. I'd put a good deal of money down on a Valentine's event tomorrow night, which we're still going to anyway, but I doubt things will be changed.

My guess is that the fire can't be reignited, however much we both want it. If there's any hope for us, do let me know how as I care about this girl so much. If it's just done-done, though, let me know also as I need to know what to expect. Thanks all.

[searock]

It doesn't seem to me that *you* did anything. She just lost some of the feelings she had for you. Yours has always been a ldr, right? Naturally it's different now that you are no longer distant. It is possible that it used to be so "perfect" *because* it was long-distance. Maybe it doesn't work otherwise. Just wait and see what happens, in the meanwhile just try not to be clingy (not that you have been up till now, at least from what you wrote here).

[dem862]

I would wait until after your Valentine's event and see. It sounds like she figured out "the most amazing person she's ever met" is just an ordinary man, after all. It might have moved too fast too soon for her. Her illusion was dashed before she had fully emotionally bonded with you. Unfortunately, you may be right that the fire can't be reignited, but if you just show her a good time, and don't dwell on your perceived problems, she might get in touch with her feelings for you again. She could also be feeling stressed by a number of things, such as losing her job, and you staying with her, Valentines day, or disappointing you, whatever, who knows? But your event might help her to forget about this for a while. Keep it light and fun. Hope it works out for you.

[ChrisMac]

Thanks searock and dem. Yeah, I think all I can do is set up my own life now, focus on the job, and be there for fun when she wants it, but not so far that it suffocates her. I think she's definitely dealing with some stresses now, as am I, but men and women clearly deal with things differently. If we can't reignite how she feels, I'll live, but f%&* if it's not a frustrating situation to be in.

I just wish I knew what caused this so I wouldn't make the same mistake again. She's repeatedly said she hasn't done the LDR before, this was her first time, so apparently it was just too much for her, it broke something. If I could do it over I'm not sure what I'd do differently except maybe just make sure I was able to visit at least once in between. Even then, though, if she lost her feelings somewhat after just eight weeks perhaps it just wasn't meant to be...

[pisces25]

Sounds like you did nothing wrong so stop beating yourself up about that. Feelings change. It's life. Completely unfair! Right now give her the space she needs. Sometimes we need a reminder of how good something is and that can't happen til we have lost it. Or it could just be a case of it isn't meant to be.

[ChrisMac]

So no Valentine's event, she wants to cancel and meet up for a coffee at noon to discuss why and give me my tie back (seriously?). I guess that's all folks.

[BoredGeorge]

Who cares girls are bad.

[Mathias]

So no Valentine's event, she wants to cancel and meet up for a coffee at noon to discuss why and give me my tie back (seriously?). I guess that's all folks.

Do you really want to sit and listen to made up reasons you're not good enough for her? That's all this is going to be.

Forget the tie. Cancel the coffee.

[ChrisMac]

Yeah, I tried to, but she was persistent. It's bizarre that this is happening. I'm (like a schmuck) re-reading all her texts, 50 or more a day, from every day of Jan and the beginning of Feb, and other than one time where she got upset because I had waited a week to make a few photos of our trip together to Paris visible to "All Friends" on Facebook, they're all "I can't wait for you to get here!", "I miss you so much babe", "I need you here", etc., etc., etc.

So then I get here Weds, so psyched to have finally made this all happen:

Weds: Seems colder than usual but okay
Thurs: We end up getting really drunk after a dinner out. As she still seems cold but insists nothing's wrong I tell her I don't trust her. This leads to a pretty bad fight.
Fri: We go out to a comedy club and have an amazing time, she seems genuinely happy again, hit a nice bar after and it's all cuddles and smiles.
Sat: We go out to dinner at an ethnic place with her friends. While she was again cold during the day, she warms up at night and all seems well. Something still feels off.
Sun: We shop, she asks if it's okay to have dinner alone with her friend tomorrow after she'd previously asked me to go. We make dinner together, and it just feels forced. We end up having an awful, sleepless night together.
Mon: We talk, she says she's lost some of her feelings, but doesn't want to break up yet. I move out.
Today: She wants to cancel dinner plans (goddamn it, dropped way too much on the deposit), meet for coffee.

I'm just wondering here whether my constant insistence that something's wrong might not have been the very thing that turned her off.

[pisces25]

Stop over-analysing dude. Meet up with her and let her explain why she went cold. I bet ya its the whole 'it's not you it's me thing'. Sorry to hear it didn't pan out. There are plenty others out there so keep positive.

[Mathias]

I'm just wondering here whether my constant insistence that something's wrong might not have been the very thing that turned her off.

Most likely, yes.

And you don't have to do anything you don't want to. If you really don't want to go to this, don't go. It's that easy. She can't force you.

[ChrisMac]

So I went, it sucked, but I actually feel a lot better. She insisted that her feelings before Xmas were genuine, that a couple times then she came close to saying the L-word but didn't want to freak me out, that she's never been more into a guy. "You really are the best boyfriend I've ever had", etc., etc. But then in January she went through some tough times, quit her job, her ex repeatedly tried to get her back, bringing up old feelings that freaked her out, and so on, just a total life meltdown, and I think right now she's just in a place where she needs to be alone and do nothing but get her shit back in order. My guess is that when she looks in a mirror right now she has no love of the girl she sees, and when a guy like me comes along saying you're great, let's make long term plans, and so on, she has no respect for him. She seemed to understand me constantly asking if something was wrong, because there was something wrong, but I'm sure it didn't help.

I left it on good terms, I think, saying it's okay, you just need to be alone for awhile and focus on getting your life back together, don't do anything stupid, goodbye. Surprisingly it's kind of a relief for me to have it all out on the table and done with. She asked if it'd be okay if she called from time to time and I said sure, but deleted all her contact info and won't be putting any effort into it.

So that's that. Next question. Anyone free in London tonight and want to go with me to this goddamn Medieval Banquet "Valentine's Masquerade Ball" I bought tickets to? I was really looking forward to it. :/

[ChrisMac]

So just found that she hid a card in my bag with the following message: "Baby, I must be crazy to do that, I probably will regret it in a few days... I am sorry for hurting both of us, but the 'lost feeling' needs to appear again. I will find the way, I'll try... cause I know that what we had was very special. I hope you will forgive me."

So... she's a headcase...

[pisces25]

Hmmm take it with a grain of salt. She probably wrote it at a weak/emotional moment.

[ChrisMac]

Ugh, this is where I get lost in all this "NC" stuff.

So she just texted me saying "Hey, how are you doing? I'm sorry to bother you but really need to know that you're okay. I feel terrible." I just wrote back "Hey! No worries, I'm fine, love." and got no response, but now wonder whether she'll interpret this as me not giving a damn about her anymore (she flips between highly insecure and overconfident every five minutes). What do you think, is this enough or should I say more?