My boyfriend constantly talks to his ex and doesn't support me, Should I dump him?

[Rumi123]

I have been with my boyfriend for ten months things were and have been good, however I have these issues - him and his ex message eachother on a daily basis and I really cannot cope with this anymore. She does not live in the same country as us so that's one relief but I can't stand this constant contact they have. Unfortunately, I go through his phone frequently behind his back and read all their messages - I know nothing sexually is happening between them but I feel he is emotionally attached to both of us and to him emotions seem more important than sex. Most of the messages are just about their daily lives - studies, work etc but occassionally he tells her he misses her and will come visit her soon and she says the same.

Last month he was struggling a lot for money and I supported him in this - stayed in, no extravagant nights - but then I found messages - he had sent her a book - mailed it abroad - v expensive!! I felt awful after reading that but obviously I can't say anything as then he'll know I've read through his messages but I didn't feel I mattered to him.

When I do bring up the issue, he gets irritated at me and says they're just friends and I need to get over it. That's another issue I have - the lack of support and reassurance. I recently had an argument with a mutual female friend of ours because she made a demeaning comment about my relationship with my boyfriend on twitter. He made it clear he wasn't going to get involved. He texted her to say nothing had changed in his and hers' relationship and he said, "I made that claer to my girlfriend too" I feel he could have shown some support for me considering he loves me but he gets very angry about this and says I need to get over it.

He is a very loving boyfriend but only when it suits him. We laugh so much together and I really love him. But when I have my issues, his answer is I just need to get over it. We had a massive row this morning and he ignored me the whole day at work - I tried to talk to him but he was not very interested. Just said - he wants to be in this relationship but I need to make a decision if I want to and I need to get over my issues. I don't want to lose him, but I feel upset he still talks to his ex, is not willing to cut down on the contact with his ex or support me. He never seems to fight for me - just says, I have to deal with it and end it if I want. Could I PLEASE hear your perspectives on this because I feel I am going mad and it's all completely unhealthy. It pains me to end it, but is it the right thing to do?

[smexygirl89]

You dont sound happy and it doesnt sound like he is going to change any time soon. I have been through a very similar situation... By the sounds of it your boyfriend does still have some sort of feelings for her. You have to make up your mind whether being with him over rides the fact that he still talks to his ex. And that fact that he does not want to talk about the way your feeling just shows he is trying to brush it off and ignore it. Not make you more comfortable. One other thing my ex used to do. Good luck and in the end you deserve to be happy... I dont think your bf is going to change... how are you going to feel when he actually goes to meet up with her??

[dem862]

Well, first of all, you don't trust him. Relationships are built on trust and if you don't have that, you have nothing. Second, you are jealous. Jealousy is never a pretty thing. It hurts the person who feels it the most. Make up your mind to trust him and quit looking for reasons to be jealous, or let him go. It is nearly impossible to change another person. Either love the person he is, unconditionally, or find the person you really want.

[Linerider]

Hello,

It seems you have it figured out already. I think you have just come here to have it confirmed. Am I right?

Everything you have said is spot on. It is disrespectful of him to keep in such close contact with her. It's very inappropriate and it is natural for you to take issue with it.

There are two problems:

1) You don't trust him (understandably), because if you did, you wouldn't be looking at the messages on the phone.

2) He is not providing you with the reassurance that you need and deserve.

Does this sounds healthy to you?

From all that you have said, I believe you know in your heart that this relationship needs to come to an end, but sometimes it can be difficult to see the wood for the trees.

Making you laugh is not enough for a relationship. Friends can make you laugh, boyfriends are there to provide you with emotional support, and he is not providing you with that.

Good luck!

[Armooo]

I went through the same thing with my ex, and he ended up cheating on me with her. But I still stayed, biggest mistake of my life. By the end of the relatinship we hated each other and he ended up being violent and thats when I left. I know that probley wont happen with you 2, but It can go horribley wrong with no trust and no support

[Wakeup]

I don't want to lose him, but I feel upset he still talks to his ex, is not willing to cut down on the contact with his ex or support me. He never seems to fight for me - just says, I have to deal with it and end it if I want.

So he's given you a choice. You either "deal with it (and try to be happy while he has an emotional affair with his ex gf) or, you "end it if you want." You cannot control him and he's pretty much let you know just that. However: You can control you and if you don't like the fact that he is with you, but still obviously has a huge emotional connection to her, then I suggest you leave.

There are lots of men out there that don't keep hanging onto their ex gfs. I suggest you let him have her because he's not ever going to give you what you want. Which is for him to stop all contact and love you without her in the picture. (he's told you he won't outright)

[misombra]

Dump him.
_________

[Madness2012]

[My boyfriend constantly talks to his ex and doesn't support me, Should I dump him?

Answer " YES"

[miffy]

Without knowing him or her or their "friendship" - daily contact with an ex seems incredulous, especially when he's in an active relationship. It also seems that you're just not 1st place sometimes, and you definitely don't deserve that, no matter how jealous or insecure you may perceive yourself to be. It doesn't matter that they're not having an actual affair, they're emotionally connected, and the way you describe it your relationship with him seems almost like an afterthought. So as others have said, decide for yourself if you want to put up with this. If you cannot draw clear boundaries for yourself and say "this is what I can take, and this I cannot", you'll always be mistreated in relationships in this way. You deserve his full attention and commitment, if he is unable to understand or do that, ditch him. He's not worth it.

[Rumi123]

Hi, I'm the original poster. So I broke it off with my boyfriend.
We did and probably still do have love for eachother, I know I do.

Anyway, I ended it for my own sanity because I realised I couldn't handle not being a priority in his life and he very easily let the relationship go when I said I was thinking of ending it. But he said he still wanted to remain friends - I told him this would take me some time.
Anyway, I broke up with him on Sunday - Monday I was DYING!! I was sad, angry, then happy and realising it's for the best...but the torture of not contacting him was killing me.

So on Tuesday I texted him saying "Sorry my stuff is still at yours. I can pick it up whenever is good for you"
He texted back "How are you?" to which I replied "I'm ok, at work. Just thought it must be annoying, all my stuff at yours"
He replied "It's fine, don't worry. Sad though"
I replied "I know, but it's for the best"
Then i asked as I'm in the area if I could come round that day to get my stuff, but he said he wasn't going to be home til later so I just replied "Ah ok, another time"

Then later he texted that he's in work with me on Monday and he could bring the stuff in then --- in a state on panic I replied "No don't worry" - the reason being a) I kind of want to see him, but in an environment where we can talk (because it ended over text messages unfortunately) and I just want to have that closure and b) because I really don't think I could handle that at work, it's too raw and I'm a very private person at work.
So i quickly sent another message saying "I mean, whatever you want to do. There's nothing I desperately need"

I don't know what to do now - on one hand I still want that closure with him at his, on the other maybe I'm better off not going back.
I'm just in a dilemma as I want him in my life but I don't think I can forgive him soon re not trying enough in our relationship and because he couldn't give me what I want, I want him to work hard for what he wants - i.e. My friendship....what should I do????!!
I would really really appreciated any advice.

[Wakeup]

he couldn't give me what I want,

I suggest you do your best to remember that. You go back to him now and you'll be getting exactly what he didn't give you all over again.

It's understandable that you are missing him and sad that this relationship wasn't meant to be a life-partner union however; trying to talk yourself into reasons why you should see him is you not taking care of yourself very well.

Concentrate on that quote above because it's the truth without any fancy dressing.