Boyfriend Overconsumed w/ Work Trying to Support his Family

[lyle0729]

Earlier this year, my boyfriend's mother had passed away. Since then, he's taken the responsibility for his family more seriously than ever. He's been busting his ass off at work left and right, trying to fight for every raise, paying for bills, trying to make sure his father feels accompanied at all times, and stressing about his income and monitoring his 401k and stocks 24/7. I also want to mention that he's only 22. He's extremely responsible and hardworking especially for his age, and though he probably will do this, I tell him 25 is wayy too young to be buying a house (which is the age he plans on doing so). Everything is in one ear out the other, and everytime I see him he's so frumpy from worrying and stressing out all the time. When I try to make him laugh, it doesn't even work anymore and better yet, my sarcasm makes him even more irritable because it translates to him that I can't be "mature" for being humorous when he has been working so hard. On top of that, my spendings and the fewer hours I work compared to him has somehow become his personal issue because its "money I could be saving" and "I could be making more money if I chose to work more hours" but I don't because to him money is not as important to me as it is for him and I take my income forgranted.

Obviously, I don't take any of that personally because I truly to love and care for him and I understand his sorrows. What makes me so concerned is that he stresses himself out to a point where he is making these comments towards me, as I would assume he normally would never do-- for his better sake, I never want him to have such feeling of negativity. I try to suggest we actively go out more, but he gets frustrated and looks at me as if I were a child always wanting to have fun and not take work seriously and that I'm not sympathetic or understanding of his feelings at all... which is no where near the point I'm trying to get across. My point is for HIM to have fun, but like I said, most things are in one ear and out the other lately.

As his girlfriend of two years, I have no means of leaving him at all. I just want to find a solution for him because his behavior has made me so worried about his health. I cry about it on my own because I'm afraid that if he sees how emotional I am, he will misconceive it as not being understanding, and it will simply just push him further away. So here is what I have to ask-- How do I effectively get him to understand how his behavior has been really worsening? What are some things or activities we could do to really get out there and leaving him feeling physically and mentally uplifting enough to convince him that he is working too hard and stressing too much?

[nerdy_guy]

He sounds like a chinese to me lol. Ask him this then: "If you overstress yourself, then you get sick, do you think you're helping your family that way?"

This is what my mom always tells me(especially since we're poor people): "Take care of your body, that's the only capital you'll ever have"

[IndiReloaded]

Well, he's obviously grieving and lots of ppl do throw themselves into their work as a way to deal with the pain. Does he have anyone other than you and family to talk to? Close friends? You might want to get them onboard, perhaps arrange a get-together some evening.

Longer term, overwork will lead to stress and health problems. Good news is he sounds very responsible. If his goal is to buy a house at 25, I don't think you should discourage him from this. Instead of criticizing him, I suggest you simply tell him you love him and are concerned for him. Ask how you can help him.

Also, I'm a big believer in books for this type of issue. I'm a fan of David Allens books (esp Getting Things Done), but you might want to get him a copy of Jeff Davidson's 'Breathing Space' which deals more directly with the work-life balance. Leave it out someplace obvious after you've skimmed through it.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

[WICKED THOUGHTS]

Seems to me.. money is never gnna be enough for him no matter what. After time it will take its toll on u and him. hopefully,not though. Nway, take him outdoors like camping with no distractions.

[vashti]

I think he sounds pretty awesome, actually.

[lyle0729]

nerdy_guy: That's funny that you say that because he is Chinese. Anywho, as much as I wish that would work, I don't think he'll think much of it. I know that his health isn't even a main concern to him right now... I just have a hard time trying to get him to understand that.

IndiReloaded: I think that having a get together of close friends would be a great idea, and it will really help him loosen up. I definitely will plan on purchasing that book because if he's not going to listen to me, he'd better damn listen to a book!

WICKED THOUGHTS: Though this is a major problem now, I'm confident that he will move forward, but I don't want him to overwork himself for too long... I've thought of camping, but if I take him, I can't leave his dad alone in the house. He'll come over the exception that the whole family goes, which includes his sister he doesn't get along too well with...

[nerdy_guy]

I think he sounds pretty awesome, actually.

nerdy_guy: That's funny that you say that because he is Chinese. Anywho, as much as I wish that would work, I don't think he'll think much of it. I know that his health isn't even a main concern to him right now... I just have a hard time trying to get him to understand that.

IndiReloaded: I think that having a get together of close friends would be a great idea, and it will really help him loosen up. I definitely will plan on purchasing that book because if he's not going to listen to me, he'd better damn listen to a book!

WICKED THOUGHTS: Though this is a major problem now, I'm confident that he will move forward, but I don't want him to overwork himself for too long... I've thought of camping, but if I take him, I can't leave his dad alone in the house. He'll come over the exception that the whole family goes, which includes his sister he doesn't get along too well with...

That means vash thinks I'm pretty awesome

As a chinese myself, yes, I'd put my family first ahead of my health. If you married him, you'd also be first. There's really not much you can do since its tradition, and he's actually been brought up that way. I guess he'd rather have a cup of tea to heal himself rather than go outdoors too.