Girlfriend had one night stand - tried to commit suicide through guilt

[umbongo]

Hi all,

My girlfriend of the past 9 months attempted suicide last week. She is 19. I was in the house at the time, she locked herself in the bathroom, cut her wrists with a razor and took an overdose of anti-depressants. I heard her crying and when she wouldn't respond forced the door open, found her lying on the floor. She wouldn't really respond to me so eventually I had to stand her up and take her up to A&E. Thankfully she was ok - she did say to the doctor treating her that she wanted to end her life and still felt that way. She was sent for an assessment with a therapist.

My girlfriend confided in me some time ago that she had been abused at the age of 9/10 by her uncle over the course of a year. Up until the point she told me she had told only one close friend. A few weeks later she told her family. As she is at uni in my hometown she doesn't see her family often. Around 4-6 weeks ago, she attended an appointment with a counsellor to try and begin talking about the abuse. She has been attending every week since then. It is often very upsetting for her. I've been trying to support her as best I can through this, it often puts me under a lot of pressure but I love her very much and want to be there for her.

I am a few years older than her and was engaged a couple of years ago. I met my fiancee when she had a 3.5 month old child (father not interested), we began a relationship and I raised the child as my own. 2.5 years into the relationship (6 months after engagement), I found out she was having an affair. She ran away with the child to live with this man and i've never seen the child again. I don't think i've fully come to terms with this yet and am not sure I ever will.

This current girlfriend is the first i've got close to and been able to trust since that happened. She knew fully the situation re. the affair and the issues with trust it has left me with - although I did trust her.

Last weekend, the uncle who abused my girlfriend made contact with her out of the blue (first time she'd heard from him in years). He was drunk and sending texts saying he was going to find her, wanted another go etc. This was extremely upsetting for her and really knocked her back in terms of coping. That was last Saturday.

On Tuesday she went out with friends. That's when she slept with other guy (after the night out). On Wednesday she tried to commit suicide. I knew there was something else bothering her and he behaviour had been slightly weird after the Tuesday night out. After the first affair, I think you learn to read the signs of guilt and I noticed a few - an unexplained text saying 'i love you so much' first thing on the Wednesday morning was the first.

I was there for her the next few days as she recovered from the suicide attempt and gently asked her a few times if there was anything else that had upset her. She said no and I didn't push her but I knew there was. On Saturday just past, her family were coming through to visit her. I eventually pushed her and asked her what had happened on the Tuesday night just before she was due to go meet them (so I knew she had someone there if she got upset).

She broke down in tears and told me she had slept with someone else whilst drunk. She said the guy had been back at a party with her (she knew him from a previous job) and had said he was tired so she'd said he could sleep on her floor. She went to sleep sometime later and the next thing she said he's in the bed beside her asking for sex. She says she wanted to say no but was 'scared and just wanted it all to go away'. I really pushed her on this and she admitted that she didn't say no to him.

She says it's the biggest mistake she has made in her life and that she was going to tell me. She says she loves me with all her heart and soul and is so sorry. That i'm the only reason she's happy the suicide didn't work.

She is a really nice girl and I do believe she knows she's made a mistake. Words mean little to me in a relationship, I tend to look more at behaviours and actions. Before this, I was sure she loved me because of the way she behaved and acted... I could tell.

I don't even know how I feel about this. The first time it happened (with my fiancee), I was completely devasted and spent a long time grieving (I think) for the loss of my child. I think part of me still is grieving, probably always will be.

I've never attended counselling following the break up that relationship as I didn't feel I needed it. This new girlfriend is the only person i've truly opened up to about that whole situation. I felt I could trust her...

I feel completely numb about this whole thing. I can't believe she would betray my trust, keep on asking myself and her what was going through her head, she knew everything etc. I can't help but feel this has something to do with what she went through with her uncle, that it has had some kind of effect.

I'm absolutely incapable of making a decision on what to do, she has practically begged me for another chance. I want to believe everything she has said but I can't understand why she has done this. She's a lovely girl and everything was going great.

I just found it near impossible to trust before this happened and now I don't know how I can go about trusting again, with her or anyone. It feels like no matter what I do, how much i'm there for someone, how kind I am this is always going to happen.

I'm sick of it, can't stop thinking of the two of them together. I can't talk to any of my friends about it as I couldn't through the embarassment of any of my friends knowing this has happened to me again.

So i'm sharing it with you here... i'm totally lost, have no idea what to do and feel completely numb inside. It's like i'm incapable of having feelings about her / the situation - love, hate, sadness, disappointment, anger, resentment - none of them, there's just nothing. Please help...

[Crazyinlove34]

Man that is a crazy story. I can see how devatstated you are. I would totally be crushed. I'm dating a younger girl also who has cheated on her previous boyfriends, and been cheated on. I know I'm super nervous about it. I know I could never get past being cheated on. Good luck with what ever decision you make.

[dem862]

Sorry you are involved in all this. But here goes. I think you have white knight syndrome. You look for needy, struggling women and think you can save them. Your current girlfriend likely has PTSD, depression, and quite possibly borderine personality disorder. If you stay with her, you are looking at a lifetime of drama. I can't say whether her suicide attempt was real or an attempt to get attention. If it was real, I would lean toward depression. If it was for attention, I would lean toward the borderline personality. Either one is a major undertaking for you and she could require years of therapy. If it is a personality disorder, it is likely permanent. Real suicide attempts usually succeed. I think you have to trust your heart on this one. There is some element of distrust in your post, so you seem to think something is not quite right. It sounds like your self-preservation instincts are being triggered. Your girlfriend sounds like she could be a victim, who is quite possibly getting secondary gain from all this. I hope you are able to work this out to your benefit, and she has a full and speedy recovery. Good luck to you.

[bulrush]

Since you posted the question I will address YOUR needs.

I think you are missing the bigger picture here. Your gf never coped with being abused when she was younger, and she will need years of intense psychotherapy to get over it. Nothing you can do can help her. She will likely make dysfunctional relationships until she deals with this pain. And it will take years. I have known girls like this who have been abused as children or raped. We talked about it. Some girls can get over it and not let it affect their life, some can't. In the meantime, you need to stay away so you don't get hurt from the fallout.

I think if you were friends with her it would be too painful for you.

Please keep in mind I don't think she did this to hurt you. I think she had the one night stand to hurt herself, it was a form of self-hate. But she did this because she is not able to make good decisions right now, because she never dealt with the pain of the abuse. Plus her uncle's recent contact triggered her.

[surfhb]

First and foremost, you need to think of yourself first. This is a toxic relationship you are in.

[vashti]

Sorry you are involved in all this. But here goes. I think you have white knight syndrome. You look for needy, struggling women and think you can save them. Your current girlfriend likely has PTSD, depression, and quite possibly borderine personality disorder. If you stay with her, you are looking at a lifetime of drama. I can't say whether her suicide attempt was real or an attempt to get attention. If it was real, I would lean toward depression. If it was for attention, I would lean toward the borderline personality. Either one is a major undertaking for you and she could require years of therapy. If it is a personality disorder, it is likely permanent. Real suicide attempts usually succeed. I think you have to trust your heart on this one. There is some element of distrust in your post, so you seem to think something is not quite right. It sounds like your self-preservation instincts are being triggered. Your girlfriend sounds like she could be a victim, who is quite possibly getting secondary gain from all this. I hope you are able to work this out to your benefit, and she has a full and speedy recovery. Good luck to you.

I agree with this post in its entirety.

dem862, you give lots of above average advice. I just wanted you to know it's been noticed.

[searock]

OP, the other posters are right: you should think about yourself first of all. She has serious issues. Her uncle contacting again out of the blue after all this time must have been overwhelming, leading to her behave in a way she wouldn't normally have. She needs years of therapy to recover from what happened in her childhood. Are you sure you are willing to stick around? Being close to a depressed/bipolar person can get extremely painful, especially when the suicide attempts begin. She said that you are the only reason she's happy to be alive: this is extremely unhealthy. No person should be burdened with such huge responsibility. She needs to recover before she can be in a relationship.

I just wanted you to know it's been noticed.

By whom has it been noticed? Just curious as to how the rep thing works : ).

[HeartIsAching]

Sorry you are involved in all this. But here goes. I think you have white knight syndrome. You look for needy, struggling women and think you can save them. Your current girlfriend likely has PTSD, depression, and quite possibly borderine personality disorder. If you stay with her, you are looking at a lifetime of drama. I can't say whether her suicide attempt was real or an attempt to get attention. If it was real, I would lean toward depression. If it was for attention, I would lean toward the borderline personality. Either one is a major undertaking for you and she could require years of therapy. If it is a personality disorder, it is likely permanent. Real suicide attempts usually succeed. I think you have to trust your heart on this one. There is some element of distrust in your post, so you seem to think something is not quite right. It sounds like your self-preservation instincts are being triggered. Your girlfriend sounds like she could be a victim, who is quite possibly getting secondary gain from all this. I hope you are able to work this out to your benefit, and she has a full and speedy recovery. Good luck to you.

I agree with this except for the Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't necessarily thing you're wrong, but it's so hard to diagnose in person that there's still argument in the mental health community over it's very existence. You just can't say that over the internet with any accuracy...

However, other than that I think you're likely right.

[vashti]

Suicide attempts and self-harming behaviors are classic signs of borderline personality disorder, and even though I have difficulty with making this an actual diagnosis (mostly because they then feel obligated to throw medication at them), I have to admit that when I did my psych rotation in the hospital, the borderline people were the most annoying and manipulative patients on the floor.

[CAM]

Count yourself fortunate that you aren't married and have a kid with her. Really, it is a blessing that you find out now. It hurts really bad, of that I'm sure, but try to focus on the other side of the coin on this issue.

[thiudiskr]

Do you feel trapped in your relationship because your departure might put her more at risk?

[umbongo]

slightly, yes but I also do believe she's a good person... this mistake was completely out of character.

[miffy]

The way you described it, she was basically raped -again. She clearly has very deep-seated problems and it will be a very long, painful process to work through them. You will have to decide for yourself if it's worth it for you. I agree you have to look out for yourself before all. If you find yourself suffering and missing things in life over this, you should draw the line.

But don't blame her for what happened. From what you told us she told you, it really seems like she was virtually raped, not by force, but by pressure. Obviously with her backstory, that makes some sense and would cause immense problems for her. I really believe she loves you, and you obviously love her deeply or you wouldn't hang around. The question is whether you're not in love with her problems and being there for her as well. As dem said, Shining Knight syndrome seems plausible.

Make sure you're in this for yourself and for your love of her, and that you're not suffering over this. Wanting to support her and help her is fine, but you don't need to be in a relationship for that and it may not be right for you. Consider it. I wish you the very best!

[umbongo]

thank you for all your advice by the way - it has been really helpful, although still very difficult.