Girlfriend lies to me, saying he's a gay friend, although he's an old one night stand

[WalkOverMe]

Hello there,

I'm just a bit curious about this.
My girlfriend and me we were originally just house mates and that's how we got together. I knew that she had several one night stands from when we were just house mates, but we are together for over a year now.

Yesterday she got a phone call from a friend and that guy was really drunk on the phone. He's living in New Zealand and they kept talking about how he wants her to come over there, and how much she would love that. She was on the phone right next to me, not trying to hide the conversation at all.
Afterwards, I asked who that was, and she told me it was a gay friend that she used to live with and they know each other for a while, and for some reason he was just really drunk now and called her. She then told me the name of him... and suddenly the bell ring.
That New Zealand guy with that name... he was a one night stand she had last year, when we were still just friends. I clearly remember him because she had such a crush on him. Being that well built New Zealand guy with maori tattoos and playing rugby etc. She talked about him for weeks last year after they had that one night stand.

So I asked my girlfriend if she has him on facebook, she went on my laptop and showed me.... it was clearly that one night stand guy, yet she tells me he's a gay friend.
She said she wants to go visit him at some stage...

So erm... what should I think about that? I didn't want to confront her and make it awkward because we just recently had an issue (posted that problem here in the forum as well) about her meeting up and kissing another guy, who was suppose to be gay but then it turned out he was bisexual and she had a "mini affair".

And now not even a week later, she lies to me again about another supposedly gay guy.
So now I wonder, does my girlfriend have so kind of commitment issues, or why would she keep flirting and wanting to meet up with other guys and ex's and lie to me about it?
I know she can't visit that New Zealand guy, since he's around the world, but still they keep in contact after one year and she's lying to me about who he is.
And even worse we just had that huge fight because she lied to me about kissing another guy that she had a crush on.

[Wakeup]

Can I ask you why you just didn't ask her why she was lying to you, why you didn't come right out and say "Why are you trying to shoot me the shit when we both know that that is the guy you opened your legs for last year?" (you would use your own words of course but they would mean the exact same thing).

She said she wants to go visit him at some stage...

Tell her that if she ever goes anywhere to meet him, that you'll look forward to the trip along with her and that it's always nice to meet the friends of one's SIGNIFICANT other. That is of course if you are actually Significant and not just some place holder like you appear to be. (not exactly saying she is still promiscuous but she had definately not closed the door on all these guys she once fkd.)

Never be afraid of the answer to questions that must be asked. You are looking after your emotional health when you are making sure you know where you stand with someone. Especially when they appear to be promiscuous ball freaks who haven't given up their past.

I don't understand why so many of the young people on this board would rather come here and ask us the very question(s) you should be asking your SO's. Afterall, they are who you will know the truth. Surely you won't hide from her lying ways for much longer.

[jb1111983]

Hey mate, I live in New Zealand too and love playing rugby. I tell you what, you tell me who this NZ guy is. I'll fix him for you in a rugby match! Lol

Seriously, you need to confront your gf regarding this in a mature way. You know without yelling at her and all. I've read your other thread about her kissing a "gay" friend. I'd be pissed if I had a gf like that. I think it's important to make it clear where you both stand in the relationship. As of right now the relationship isn't going well. You both need to work on this to make it work or it's adios, amigos.

[WalkOverMe]

I really don't feel like confronting her, this would be the 5th time within 6 weeks or so and last time it ended with her saying that I am a control freak and I always need to know what she does etc. which I can understand that it comes across like that.

6 weeks ago - I confronted her about her getting flirty txts and topless photos from a guy she never told me about - she told me it's just a gay friend from work nothing to worry about

4 weeks ago - I confronted her again about that gay guy from her work after getting strange vibes from her. After hours of me telling her that I can feel that she's lying, she told me the truth that she kissed him one night.

2 weeks ago - I found out that she told her co-workers that we broke up and she is single now, I confronted her and she said it's non of my business what she tells others. As a manager of her company she doesnt want to involve her private life (but then again, why tell them she is newly single in the first place). After an hour of arguing, she agreed it was wrong and she will tell her co-workers next day that we never broke up.

1 Week ago - We were suppose to go out together, we planned it for over a week to meet my friends, then suddenly before we were about to leave, she got a txt that her co-workers are heading out as well. She said she wants to meet them instead of going out with me. I asked her if I could come along quickly and maybe she could introduce me to them and then I'll head to my friends, after all we're together for over a year and she never introduced me to her friends at work. She suddenly got angry and told me she needs space tonight and no one else would ever bring their partner along. (later it turned out other co-workers did bring along their partners).
So I confronted her asking if she hides anything because she got so angry out of nowhere and we planned this night for over a week, so the excuse about her needing space seemed weird, plus she always makes sure I never go to her work place to pick her up after works, nor does she invite me along at parties, or ever introduced me to anyone from her work after a year, and she is rather close with her friends from work.
I only confronted her because of the things in the past about her kissing that bisexual guy from her work place, and then her telling others that she's single and now she going all weird about me meeting her co-workers. So I left it at that, that she needs space that night.

And now she lies to me about a guy she had a one night stand with, had a total crush on him afterwards and stayed in contact with him until now. But tells me he is a gay friend she used to live with years back.

Yes I get it, she won't meet him any time soon, and they just message each other on Facebook and he calls apparently now and then, no harm there. But still he's what I would consider and ex and she lies about who he is. She either lies because she knows she's doing something wrong, or she lies because she feels like it's non of my business to know that she is in contact with an ex.

I really don't feel like confronting her about this, because all she will tell me is that I am such a control freak and I have to know everything and I don't want to be a control freak cause that will ruin a relationship. But on the other hand, why does she keep lying to me, over and over and over and yet she just asked me along to meet her parents in September who are living in another country. Did she not learn anything from the past, that the lying and cheating made me so paranoid in the first place. Why would she dive straight back into the lying and flirting with an ex, after all we've been through in the past 2 months.

Can someone please explain me how a womans mind works? Is it okay in a relationship to flirt with ex's and messages them on a regular basis? Especially after we just had a rough few weeks with her lying and kissing other guys. Or am I really turning into some paranoid control freak.

PS: @jb1111983
He used to play for the All Blacks, he's only in his mid 20s though but left to OZ now, at least that's what i was told

[rafterman]

Your GF seems too have alot of gay friends. That sounds like a bit of a smoke screen.Your GFs friend in his mid 20"s played for the All Blacks is not gay. Google search his name if his real name is on FB he should have a profile somwhere.BTW seems like a long way to go just for a "gay" friend, dont you think? Oh and being a Moari, he'll more than likely share her round the footy team, like some sort of groupy slut. Big red flags everywhere.

[gigigi]

she accused you of being a control freak because she wanted to deflect attention away from her- manipulate you into feeling like YOU are you doing something wrong and the conflict is YOUR fault, when actually the conflict is 100% the result of HER inexcusable behavior. i am a woman and i'm really sensitive to situations where a guy is potentially acting controlling, and i'm telling you that your girlfriend is not worth your time. she is manipulative, dishonest, disrespectful, and probably unfaithful. from the situations you've described, you've done nothing wrong- actually, i think you've been waaaaay more understanding than most people would. i know it's probably not what you want to hear, but i think you should just walk away now before she messes with you mind and plays you even more.

[Wakeup]

Can someone please explain me how a womans mind works? Is it okay in a relationship to flirt with ex's and messages them on a regular basis? Especially after we just had a rough few weeks with her lying and kissing other guys. Or am I really turning into some paranoid control freak.

Just because your skank of a girlfriend acts like she does and plays you like a fiddle, please don't think that all women do such things and so we'd automatically be able to explain her dementia.

And please, for your own emotional well being, stop being ridiculously naive and blind. This woman does not value you, she won't even introduce you to her friends after a year of dating and she lies to you while you ignore your gut screaming at you that something is wrong. Quit being a doormat and ignoring the field of red flags she throws before you... It's embarassing what you tolerate for regular sex. Anything else she offer you that's worth putting up with disrespect and not being valued?

Why would she dive straight back into the lying and flirting with an ex, after all we've been through in the past 2 months.

Because she's a lying, cheating, personality disordered and doesn't know the meaning of integrity? The better question you should be asking is why you remain with her when if half of how you paint her is true you should be running, not walking away from her and this "relationship".

[Bo]

Sorry, but she sounds like a f*cking whore. Dump her. You can make a hoe into a housewife....true story.

[amanda.m]

So her excuse for every guy she flirts with or communicates with is "it's ok, he's gay"...hmm...you have a right to be suspicious. There's red flags all over this girl. She gets way too offensive which usually is a sign that she is hiding something and just trying to make you look bad so she doesn't. She also thinks its ok to go around telling people that she's single and that you have no right to get mad about that. You have every right to be concerned. i'd sit down and have a serious talk with this girl or better yet..move on to someone deserving of your time.