So torn! Need help evaluating my relationship..

[staticline]

Hey forum. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, he is 25 and I am 24. I think we've been happy for the most part, but now that I'm on the verge of graduating and I have good prospects for getting a well paid job, I'm starting to think I'd like to move things along a little - thinking about perhaps setting up home and starting a family in the not too distant future. The thing is, I'm really struggling to evaluate the relationship and figure out whether we could go the distance.

The thing is, my boyfriend is at heart such a secretive, subtle character it's very difficult for me to figure out where I stand. I realise that most men can have difficulty communicating on this level with their partners - but trying to discuss anything open-heartedly with my boyfriend is like pulling teeth, he very quickly shuts down. He does not express warmth and affection easily but he is dependable, and if I'm sad or upset he does comfort me, but in a roundabout way, with humour etc. From what I gather this is just the way he is - but I do sometimes wonder if it's more me than him.

For the same reasons, I often don't feel like I know much about his life - unless he chooses to tell me - sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. He introduced me to his family quite quickly and he was quite enthusiastic about it, I have been involved in most important occasions. However, he has pretty much kept contact down to those occasions and in three years I must have seen them about 20 times and we almost always hang out at my place. On occasion his mum has been quite rude to me - again, I'm not sure if that's just the way she is, or a reflection of how my name stands in their household. Family is very important to my boyfriend and his is very insular - it seems equally plausible that I'm kept out of the loop because of the family dynamic or in spite of it.

We have talked about the future in vague terms, and he did say that he'd like to move in with me eventually. We have discussed our views on marriage and children and we were in agreement about those things. Thing is, he's never offered up any kind of time scale on those intentions. In contrast to me, he's very much a homebody and although he has a well paid job he's never even considered moving out of home. He likes his creature comforts and his mum dotes on him.

I love him dearly and I really want to think that we'll have a future together - however all of these things do weigh on me at times and I wonder if he'll ever move things forward, I worry I'm being lead up the garden path. Day by day things are great - we spend time together, we have good conversation, a good sex life to boot - but when I try to take perspective on the relationship things seem to go awry, and my instincts are all over the place. Sometimes I feel loved - other times I feel like I'm dragging a horse to water and trying to make it drink.

Are the things I've talked about here things I should be worried about, or am I just over thinking a good thing?

If there is potential, should I bite the bullet and mention to my boyfriend that I'd like to move in with him when I get a decent job, or should I just wait for him to come to me?

[pisces25]

It is natural you want some progression in the relationship. Honestly all the above things you need to talk to him about it. Tell him your concerns over the way he shuts down, the lack of involvement in his family, ask where he thinks you guys are heading etc. Unfortunately no one on this forum can give you these answers. They are obviously troubling you and will continue to do so until you get the answers you require so you do need to have an open, honest discussion with him. Healthy communication = a healthy relationship.

[staticline]

Thanks Pisces. I do realise he's the best person to talk about these things to and I've tried and tried again, but it's just so difficult to get him to communicate about it - he just looks at me like I'm from another planet and says he can't understand what I'm talking about. He comes from a very working class background in the UK where 'men are men' and they don't talk about feelings freely. He doesn't seem to have the inclination to examine his motivations much less the vocabulary to articulate them.

We seem to find our own ways around things and have our own little codes, and for that a decent amount of intimacy for the most part. But when it comes to figuring out his intentions it's like trying to decipher morse code. =(

That's not to say I won't keep trying and approaching it from different angles. ^^

[pisces25]

I understand your frustrations. However, they are real concerns you have and he needs to respect your wishes to talk about them. Unfortunately I don't have any tips on how exactly to makes this happen but perhaps you need to evaluate if this is the type of relationship you can be yourself in long-term, or if perhaps you would be better off with someone a bit more open and communicative. If you feel your emotional needs are not being met then first step is to make this clear to him, outlining exactly why it is important to you and if he still doesn't get it then maybe you need to ask yourself if you can continue like that. Good luck...

[staticline]

Thanks Pisces. I do realise he's the best person to talk about these things to and I've tried and tried again, but it's just so difficult to get him to communicate about it - he just looks at me like I'm from another planet and says he can't understand what I'm talking about. He comes from a very working class background in the UK where 'men are men' and they don't talk about feelings freely. He doesn't seem to have the inclination to examine his motivations less the vocabulary to articulate them.

We seem to find our own ways around things and have our own little codes, and for that a decent amount of intimacy for the most part. But when it comes to figuring out his intentions it's like trying to decipher morse code. =(

That's not to say I won't keep trying and approaching it from different angles. ^^

[staticline]

Thanks Pisces. I do realise he's the best person to talk about these things to and I've tried and tried again, but it's just so difficult to get him to communicate about it - he just looks at me like I'm from another planet and says he can't understand what I'm talking about. He comes from a very working class background in the UK where 'men are men' and they don't talk about feelings freely. He doesn't seem to have the inclination to examine his motivations less the vocabulary to articulate them.

We seem to find our own ways around things and have our own little codes, and for that a decent amount of intimacy for the most part. But when it comes to figuring out his intentions it's like trying to decipher morse code. =(

That's not to say I won't keep trying and approaching it from different angles. ^^

[dem862]

He sounds like a mama's boy. He will only consider advancing the relationship if you show you are a better mama than he already has. You are unlikely to be able or willing to do that. Your relationships is probably as good as it is going to get after 3 years. Enjoy what you have. If it isn't good enough, you may have to look for a real man.