Dilemma- stupid mistake.

[Myela]

I know I'll get tons of people coming online to berate me for cheating. But here goes.

I met this guy and we are quite compatible. My history is that I came out of a seven year relationship, a break up I regret, and started seeing shortly (about 3 years ago). A few months into the relationship, I drunkenly kissed someone else but stopped when I realised what I was doing and left the party. The background to that kiss was that I was also very suicidal and depress at that point in time and my friends thought going to a party might cheer me up. I desperately needed some validation as I had an accident and felt disfigured due to some minor scarring (not a concern now). I never told the guy and in the end it was a combination of my depression and his inability to commit which broke us up.

And now, after a year, we are back together and things were going well. However, he had a possible good job offer in another country which would meant that we would break up as the stint was about 3 years. He had to go for several interviews before the company would make the decision. He did mention that he would probably get the same job satisfaction here but going overseas would give him a leg -up and if he got the job he would go and I will never see him again. I helped him with preparing for interviews and alike because I wanted to give him full support. At the same time, we kept the relationship going which was pretty stupid. I couldn't tell him how betrayed I actually felt or that I felt like a second choice or a back-up plan, just in case the job fell through. He's a naturally anxious person so I did not want to stress him up before his final hurdle. But I do feel unloved, like a backup plan, and someone who's just good enough, but not the best. Anyway, to cut the long story short, I went out for dinner with an ex who remained a good friend. There was alcohol involved but it's no excuse for sleeping with him (no actual intercourse but at this point it doesn't matter what was done). I felt awful about what happened because I realised I do love my guy a lot, which was why I remained even though he obviously wanted the job overseas and even helped him with his interviews and what not while I was crying inside all the time. I was sure he was going to get the job as he made a lot of money for his company in the previous year despite the financial situation globally. The job unforuntately went to someone else. But he told me that not getting job is a blessing in disguise as he would rather be with me and now we are planning to be fully committed in the relationship. Of course someone made a wisecrack about how he said that because he did not get the job.

I don't quite know what to do now. I have spoken to a counsellor who knew all about my past and thought that if I really want to move forward with this guy, I probably should not tell him about the incident since it's only once and she understood the circumstances behind it, break off all contact with the guy, feel guilty and write some letter and seal it up, and not do it again. I feel like I do not deserve him anyway as if we count that drunken kiss during our first try at dating years back, then it's twice, and I probably should just break up with him and not tell him why, because that would shatter his low self-esteem even more and affect him at this crucial time when he needs to perform (preparing for the interview took out some time so he's under a mountain of stress to reach his quota). He is also feeling extremely low on himself as the person directly above him in his job too had just changed and his new boss is extremely difficult on him. I thought about keeping it a secret for about 3 to 6 months too until things get better in his job, or he is feeling less stress, before leaving. I don't really want to leave as I feel truly happy for once, like we have something good, finally (after he lost the job offer he was thinking more about our future and being more focus on his committment). I find that I made a huge mistake though which is unforgiveable and that I should just leave this relationship and be alone, miserable and depress for the rest of my life (I'm in my early thirties and if this don't work out I'm probably going to be spinster anyway).

I'm just so mad at myself right now for hurting him and hurting myself (yes, cheating hurts the cheatee too). I thought about it all ways and all three ways would hurt him heaps. If I tell him about the cheating, he would be hurt, his self-esteem would plummet, he might not perform well at his job and maybe lose it or lose further chances at promotion as this is a very crucial year for him. I'll be devastated too as we would most likely break up and we'll both be depressed. If I leave him, it'll probably be the same too. If I do not tell him, well, maybe technically in this relationship it's "once" but given that drunken kiss, it's probably "twice" and that's a no-no in most people books, and mine... even once is, well I'll be hurting myself because even though i'm guilty, I beat myself up every day to the point of exhaustion, there'll always be a part of me that wonders if he should know. I'm usually faithful to a fault in my other relationships. It's just that with him, shit always happens such as the accident, depression, and his job offer which he chose the possibility of a promotion over building a future with me, etc. etc.

Selfishly, I really want this relationship to move forward because right now, we are good for each other. We make each other extremely happy now. He's also in a lot of stress and finds me to be a huge support and comfort. But at the same time, I think that he should dump me or I should leave him and let someone else be all that is to him. Someone else like me (he said I was perfect for him) but without the cheating incident. Only these options remain because I know once I confess, our relationship will never be the same and even if he stayed, we'll end up breaking up. That's what my friends in similar situations said anyway. Two never told, never did it again and they are happy as larks- got married, kids, all that. Three told and for 2 of them, their exes and them are still miserably alone up to today. For the exes I think it's the thought of betrayal which ruined them for other relationships, plus they really love those two friends of mine but cannot get past the cheating.

I don't know what to do at this point.

[Cerby]

What is happening here is you're trying to rationalize the cheating behind things like self esteem, alchohol, he might be leaving, etc. The fact you're keeping it from him takes his choice to continue the relationship after your cheating away from him, this is as much his choice as it is yours (its actually more his choice in my opinion). So you're being selfish by doing this, by keeping it from him, and by doing it in the first place.

Your two friends who never told and ended up happy are scumbags with in-relationship laundry that will likely be aired out, one way or another. Comparing anything to them is just lowering the bar on relationship expectations. If my gf told me she cheated on me (even as much as a drunken kiss with another guy) I'd have her stuff moved out onto the street corner so fast she wouldn't have even had a chance to object.

Here is what you should do: Tell him the situation, tell him what happened, tell him you love him, and let him make his own decision.

[smackie9]

Remember this, he was ready to leave your relationsip for a job overseas. That should tell you how much of a commitment he has for this relationship. You are only fooling yourself that this is worth saving, and carrying on with. What if the opportunity to go over seas comes up again for even a better job. I bet money on it he will take it. The ball is in your court now to decide what the best course of action to take. Cerby have some good points there and I agree you are just trying to validate your reasons for cheating. You really need to work on your own issues. It's plain to see it's YOU not him that can't handle the stress and don't deal with them straight on like an adult should. Instead you run off and cheat to escape from your problems. You need to fix that or you will always make distaterous decisions a ruin your life and those around you.

[Myela]

I wasn't trying to rationalise why. There're always reasons behind actions. If people are not happy in a relationship, their actions show. I acted out through cheating- it's wrong. I'm not trying to say it's right. It's not a brainless event.

But I am going to tell. Just not sure when and how. There's another side to the story. The company actually wanted to reinterview him and a few others for another job vacancy (also overseas but different responsibilities and place). He declined the reinterview as he would rather be here with me. I am not sure what to do now as I keep asking him if he would be happy here and he said he would. Plus there's a lot of shit going on in his life right now that I cannot disclose here as it doesn't pertain to this issue at hand but I'm helping out with. I just think brewaking the news now would be a straw on the camel's back- I am serious. I know him well. I think he might lapse into a depression. So I don't know if I should tell him now or wait till some of his serious stuff get sorted out first... which I see would be in about 2 to 3 months time. He also do not have any friends or family here right now to give him support.

I really want him to stay as I know with him we can make it if we try. But I made this mistake and I'm just so mad at myself.

Also, should I tell him about the drunken kiss on top of the cheating? It was a stupid mistake, not in this current relationship with him, and I see no reason to pile that on him too.

[smackie9]

I would be more worried about having another relapse. It doesn't matter how mad you are at yourself, I'm saying you really need to address your behavior when things take a turn and look bleak again.....because things will when you tell him whether it's now or later. You better prepare yourself.

[IndiReloaded]

I'm a bit more pragmatic about these things, but I agree with Cerby for the most part: you are taking away his right to choose if your cheating is okay or not by not telling him.

Couple questions come to mind:
1. Is there *any* chance this could come back to bite you if you didn't tell him what happened? Do you move in the same social circles as this other guy? If yes, you need to fess up.

2. If there is almost no chance your BF will find out, except if you tell him, then you need to decide based on a few things:
- what is your BFs policy on honesty? some men will only be hurt by your disclosure and won't appreciate your honesty
- can you keep this a secret forever? i.e. can you get over any guilt you might feel and move forward; telling him in 5 years might only make it worse and him feel like you deceived him (which you will have)
- what is the chance that telling will only hurt your BF vs. moving your relationship forward?

Since you didn't actually have sex with this guy, I'd say you are in a slightly better position to not tell. No STDs to worry about, etc. But the choice is up to you.

Personally, I would tell regardless. But that's b/c I have always dated men who expect full disclosure, same as I do. Plus I'm a terrible liar.