What would you make of this?

[geek83]

Firstly, a bit of background. I've been with my wife for the past 6 1/2 years, we've been married for a year and have 2 beautiful kids together. Things have never been straight forward for us, mainly because of me. At the start of our relationship (the first few months) I was an idiot and I was unfaithful. When she found out I didn't know how to deal with the fallout and became violent. Since then I've visit so many counselling sessions and help groups that I've lost count to help me to be a better person. Although some times I do still lose my temper and shout there hasn't been a case where I've been "out of control" (for want of a better word) in quite some time (years). For some reason, a reason that is a complete mystery to me, my wife has stuck with me through all of my shit (most of it directed at her) and I couldn't ever tell her how much I love and respect her for all the support.

One thing I still lack, and this upsets my wife no end, is my communication skills and my ability to show affection. Something I can say without a doubt affects most males. Recently I've been trying to make a concerted effort to be more affectionate and spend more time doing the stuff she has asked me repeatedly to do to make her feel more secure in our marriage. And this is where the problems seem to have started. About a month after I attempted to get my shit together and make more of an effort we went for a night out to a friends birthday party, we had a bit to drink and then got a taxi back to another friends house as that's where we were staying the night. We're quite close to the friends we stayed with, he my best man at our wedding and his wife and my wife are very good friends. This night his wife went to bed when we got in at 2 -30am, I went to bed shortly after at 3am and was surprised when my wife refused to come with me and instead stayed up talking, which I thought was odd, especially as my wife's always pestering me to come to bed with her as it doesn't happen very often due to my crazy work schedule.

Things started to get really strange after that night. She changed her email password and her facebook password and then refused to share them with me (I work in web development and sometime use her account as a completely neutral test account for some of the apps I build). Needless to say this made me very suspicious. I feel I should add at this point that I'm not normally a suspicious person especially of my wife, mainly because of everything she's stuck with me through. However, her behaviour really alerted me and i did something I would have never ever considered doing before, through various means i gained access to her facebook and email without her knowledge (something I feel immensely guilty about even now). I found several messaged in her facebook account and 2 emails to "my best man" (I'll call him that from now on) that really concerned me. They start out as completely normal conversation but then they quite quickly degrade into the following -

Email 1 -

My Wife - Don't be offended - I am only joking & you don't read The Sun anyway! I'm sure it depends how many young women you are asking to show you their knickers anyway lol -)
Best Man - Oh only, one. The rest do it without prompting. lol. Incidentally, I think you need to go upstairs, put on the short shorts, take a photo and email it to me so I can be the judge of whether they are indecent or not. Just the short shorts, no other clothing to distract the decision. Purely in the interests of factual research, you understand. -)
My Wife - Lol. I'm sure you can find pictures of me in all the aforementioned short shorts on Facebook...hang on I've just re-read & properly understood that (blonde moment anyone?)... I am not convinced such pictures would aid factual research lol. xx
Best Man - It would be fun finding out though, don't you think? -) xx
My Wife - I think you would be entirely shocked if I complied lol. xx
Best Man - Suprised, yes. Shocked, no. -D xx
My Wife - Should I worry that you wouldn't be shocked.... xx
Best Man - Should I worry that you're not shocked I'd like to see you in just your short shorts, or indeed just your pants, or ....well, you know...? lol. xx
My Wifer - Hmmm. There's a question... xx
Best Man - One you're not answering, I note. x
My Wife - I was shocked a week & a half ago.x

As a note, "a week & a half ago" was the night she stayed up all night with him...

Email 2 -

Best Man - Well...one rule for one....! Dirk Gently for me. Alone. Reckon anyone would notice if you came and kept me company.... -) S x
My Wife - I had to Google Firm Gently lol. I think they just might notice lol -) xx
My Wife - Sorry I meant to say last night that I will give you something for that harness. x
Best Man - What do you propose? -)
My Wife - Lol I did consider that was probably a dangerous offer....! x
Best Man - I will happily take you up on your offer. You know I like dangerous activities. -)
My Wife - Lol I'm not sure what to say to that -) x
Best Man - I thought we agreed it's good to chat, and now you're speechless?! lol S x
My Wife - It's clearly the effect you have on me x
Best Man - Clearly. I make you speechless and take up dangerous activities, in at least two different forms. -) How does that make you feel....? xx

She even stayed up until 2am one night messaging him, she was lay in bed with me at the time (we'd been in bed since midnight) and she refused to turn her phone off and lay down with me.

Please someone tell me I'm just reading too much into all of this and that I'm an idiot and the only thing I need to do is man up and apologise for reading her emails/messages without permission.......

[couchpotato]

You can talk things out but personally I couldnt take back a woman who cheated on me,leave alone one married to me.
Those emails would shaken up my whole integrity if I were to remain with her...way beyond the line!!!
But lets dont play holly here cause you cheated on her first but it was her responsibility to get rid of you at that time,and not to pay you back with the same coin.
Kids ? They will survive this.They all do.
So yes, I would confront her with it and move out.
But first make sure you get all your things in order before making any move.
I am very found of Plan B's...cause they always work!!!

[gardenofjade]

Well if you were violent and unaffectionate in the marriage then something is probably missing on your part. She needs a secure man who will flirt with her. Is that you? Yeah, didn't think so.
Maybe you need some more work and you can win her back. Until then... she deserves love and attention.

[geek83]

surely in that case then she should have just left or we should have separated rather than having an affair?

I'm the first to admit I was never the best partner/husband but I struggle to justify an affair.

[geek83]

You can talk things out but personally I couldnt take back a woman who cheated on me,leave alone one married to me.
Those emails would shaken up my whole integrity if I were to remain with her...way beyond the line!!!
But lets dont play holly here cause you cheated on her first but it was her responsibility to get rid of you at that time,and not to pay you back with the same coin.
Kids ? They will survive this.They all do.
So yes, I would confront her with it and move out.
But first make sure you get all your things in order before making any move.
I am very found of Plan B's...cause they always work!!!

One thing I must disagree on here is "Kids ? They will survive this.They all do.". My father walked out on me when I was 3, and my mother shortly after, I was raised by my grandparents. Personally I feel this has a been a huge contributing factor to the mess my life currently is. Many of the psychologists/help groups I've seen have picked up on this as a major factor that has lead me to subconsciously hate women which has manifested itself in the way I treated my wife back when I first met her. So no, I don't agree with that one bit.

[couchpotato]

Hi Geek83,
I didnt mean to upset you,just giving my honest opinion, but yours is also valid.And they are your children so you deem the sacrifice at your own discretion.But I see your point.I mentioned it cause I also got children and spoke from husband/father point of view.
And though you may not have been the best of husbands (who is it anyways?) it doesnt validate her actions.Period.
And if she deserves love and attention she should have claimed it to you,and not have an affair.
Where the heck are the values ? Whats wrong with people ?
Again,this is just my opinion.

[geek83]

No worries, I wasn't offended, I have a remarkable way of coming across like I'm annoyed in conversation even when I'm not. My wife says I'm socially inept, which is mostly true...