Can't be satisfied with vanilla?

[StoryofOh]

Sorry this is sooooo long....

First a bit of a backstory... I grew up as a nerdy, anxious child that was considered a bit of an ugly duckling. My mother, a beautiful woman, was busy trying to keep her life together to give me too much attention. She left my father when I was a baby and had strings of unsuccessful relationships so I always felt like in some ways I was older and in other ways, I couldn't grow up. In middle school I was teased pretty badly because I was flat-chested, had a mouthful of braces, wore a brace for scoliosis and had short hair. In high school I joined a bunch of sports teams but my baby fat and awkward nature didn't exactly make me the hottest girl in school. Prom involved my friends and my gay best guy friend as my date. I lost my virginity at 17 after a really drunken night with some older guy at a party. I was so nervous about the consequences of sex, I didn't sleep with anyone again for a very long time. In addition, I felt clueless about sex in general, it just did not feel good at all.
In the middle of college, something happened. I lost my baby fat, got my hair highlighted, got on BC so my boobs grew, learned how to use makeup and what to wear. Suddenly, I guess I was considered "hot". I started going out to bars and for the first time ever, not only were guys checking me out, but they were also buying me drinks left and right, calling me like crazy, giving me gifts. I went wild from the attention. I put my love of reading into sex techniques and I seriously made the rounds. I was insatiable, I would sleep with different guys every week. The sex didn't even feel good for me but the guys were begging for more. I would dump them pretty quickly so there was no attachment. I started to get invited to parties and doing drugs and moved on to sleeping with guys in bands, actors, etc. All the isolation and awkwardness and anxiety that I had would melt away when I was seducing some guy. I tried to get into stable relationships but 2-3 months in I would get bored, cheat and break the guy's heart. I was awful.
Then I met a guy backstage at his show and he took me back to his hotel and when I tried to go through my "routine" he pinned me against the wall and told me that he had something else in mind. He gave me a safe word and then proceeding to tie me up, whip me, and then beg him to have sex with me. That night was the first time I ever had an orgasm from sex. I was covered in bruises and could barely walk but something inside me was so satisfied I cant even describe it. For the next two years, whenever the guy came into town for shows or appearances, I would fall further and further into S&M. All other aspects of my life cleaned up, I quit drugs and drinking and sleeping around and graduated from college on time.
Unfortunately for me, I fell in love with the guy and he was not relationship material. He ended up breaking things off and really broke my heart. I did not date or keep sleeping with anyone because I was afraid to reveal the submissive side of myself and what I really liked. Then I met a really great guy and he was so sweet and really liked me. I really like him too and we ended up moving in together. I had warned him that I really liked kinky stuff in bed and he told me he was dominant. In the beginning we were wild but he wasn't truly "S&M" dominant. He would pull my hair and say dirty stuff and spank me during sex, but that was the extent of it. Our relationship really grew outside of the bedroom and fast forward almost 4 years and he asked me to marry him. I love him and want to marry him, he is perfect for me in every way, except for one: the bedroom. He's not interested in tying me up or doing anything beyond smacking my butt once in a while. We always have sex in doggie-style and foreplay always consists of him just fingering me. I have expressed my concerns and he says it's not in his nature and he doesn't want to hurt me. He also says he only likes doggie-style because its comfortable. He's a bit overweight so he has a belly, but he has no problem getting it up and he is not small by any means. He gets upset that he can't satisfy me and then I drop the subject because I don't want to hurt his feelings.
I have been faking my orgasms for almost 2 years. Sex is so predictable and I have to use my vibrator all the time. I am starting to come a bit unhinged. For me, rough sex is a release. Seeing bruises on my body is like a high. The lack of rough sex has trickled over into other parts of my life- I am grouchy and I have started to go out with my friends on the prowl. I have not cheated and I don't want to cheat, but my flirting has become like a challenge. The S&M guy once caught me flirting at a hotel bar and had me screaming for mercy all night because I was his property (in a good way!). My fianc� sees me flirting with another guy and he just goes and makes new friends at the bar.
What can I do? How long before the desire turns into thoughts of cheating? Can someone so into kink ever enjoy only vanilla sex? I don't want to lose my fianc� but I need the release!

[Jason333]

Thanks for your post

[smackie9]

If this fetish lifestyle is all about you, and you could never live life with out it, why risk ending a marriage over it, but if you find your actions are taking over your life and you feel out of control, maybe it's time for you to look for a therapist that specializes in this sort of behavior ie; sex addiction. They say whatever happens to you in childhood plays out certain behaviors in adulthood. Maybe feeling so dejected for all those years, to pacify those bad memories you need to be over stimulated sexually in order to feel any self worth. I think it's something to look into because I can see this relationship is heading for disaster.

[StoryofOh]

If this fetish lifestyle is all about you, and you could never live life with out it, why risk ending a marriage over it, but if you find your actions are taking over your life and you feel out of control, maybe it's time for you to look for a therapist that specializes in this sort of behavior ie; sex addiction. They say whatever happens to you in childhood plays out certain behaviors in adulthood. Maybe feeling so dejected for all those years, to pacify those bad memories you need to be over stimulated sexually in order to feel any self worth. I think it's something to look into because I can see this relationship is heading for disaster.

I don't really think I have a sex addiction, after sleeping with all those guys and discovering S&M, I don't really crave a lot of men. I crave being submissive. I only flirt to try to get a kick out of my fiancé. I want him to pull me aside and tell me if I ever flirt again, I won't be able to walk right for days. I want to make clear that i love my fiance and our life. I am very attracted to him. I think I probably do need to see a therapist though. Thanks for the tip.

[smackie9]

Everyone can enjoy playing out fantasies for their partner, but what you are requesting is not typical play. What you want him to be a part of is something way bigger. Your partner has already expressed to you how uncomfortable he is with it and it's no fun for him.....he isn't getting the thrill out of it like you are, so there you have is a lack of compatibility. So here you are, sitting on the edge, in need of a "release" like a drug addict looking for their next fix. Sure there are others who enjoy activities like your but if it starts to interfere with relationship or other aspect of your life, then you do have a problem. People in your position usually seek out others who enjoy the same fetishes....so I'm confused as to why you invest so much into a relationship with a man with "vanilla" type sexual taste, and possibly risking your relationship down the road to satisfy your desires. You may have to give up one thing for another, and that is a tough one to swallow. Seeing a therapist might give you a better perspective and get to the root of your obsession of being submissive.

[smackie9]

To add: I'm not against people who have different sexual appetites. What ever floats your boat.

[StoryofOh]

I guess I feel kind of cheated. I never hid that side of myself from my partner. When we first got involved, I made clear that I was into S&M. We used to have some kinky sex and it was okay. But then it stopped and became just regular boring vanilla sex in the same exact position for the past 2 years. Now my partner says that dominant side of him isn't really something he's interested in exploring. Aside from making him jealous, I don't know how else to spark his interest. I know he loves me but I feel like he does not desire me. Thats hard to deal with because it took me quite some time to embrace that I'm not an ugly duckling anymore and that now men want me and im desirable. I'm in my mid-20s and he's in his early 30s, I feel like he should want to do kinky stuff and explore our boundaries. It just seems very romantic and trusting to me.

[smackie9]

That is fine but I have discovered, from my experience, the desire for sexual exploration is based on personality. I suspect he was willing to try like anyone does when a relationship is new. You are going to have to have a very serious talk with him about this and get his perspective. I know you are looking for the a magic solution but there isn't one. You can't force someone to be into something that doesn't turn them on, this is the reality of it, just like you can't force someone to fall in love with you....either you are or you are not. If he truly isn't into it, and your desire to take your fetish to new levels throughout your relationship, then sorry it's a no brainer that you are not compatible to make it for the long haul. Better to find out now rather than 2 years down the road finding yourself in a unhappy marriage turning to other men to satisfy you. It's not fair you or him. Time to face the reality of your situation.

[smackie9]

I feel like he should want to do kinky stuff and explore our boundaries. It just seems very romantic and trusting to me.

This is what fuels your desire for S&M. It's seems you need it just to feel accepted. Maybe if you explore this more with a therapist you might be able to achieve feeling desired and accepted in other ways instead of depending on this type of sexual behavior.

[Jason278]

Thanks for your post