relief-surrogate

[lagun4]

I have a big urge to explain myself to you. I want you to know everything. What I felt, what I have gone through and what I think. So far I have not done this because so far there was always a still remaining hope of my beloved girlfriend that could possibly come back, fall into my arms, kiss me and tell me: "I'm sorry for what I've done to you and I got aware of that you are the one who I want to be with. I want to work on a relation ship with you."

But no, that's not the case. I more and more get an understanding about you and me and the senseless situation that I am in.

But what I absolutely don't know is if you are aware of what's going on with you. Sorry for this accusation but I need to get rid of that thought.

I was motivating you to go to Bremerhaven because I was convinced that you should persue your career as a ballet dancer. I didn't send you away because I wanted to get rid of you. I totally loved you and wanted the best for you. I can understand that you hated it when I accused you of this fact. I again and again asked myself: "What the hell did I do wrong in our relation ship that you did to me what you did?" When you were true to me and told me the story with your new guy I was in a shock. You know, I never experienced a situation like this before and didn't know at all how to deal with that. I was so ****ing afraid to lose you and yes, I would have done anything to make you come back to me. Because I loved you and I thought you were the only one.

People are still telling me that I shouldn't bother anymore in writing you or spending time in you but I think I am just weak and can't refrain from this. I have to tell you what I always wanted to tell you because it's so ****ing hopeless anyways.

When we were at HBF that day and you were about to go to Bremerhaven I had to go through hell within the next three days. I think you would never ever be able to imagine what happened there. I was crying 24/7. I slept 3 hours in those 3 days. I had nightmares that you never wish to have. Even my immune system was decreasing and got a cold in the end. When you told me that it's over you really took all hope in me. You didn't leave me a chance by telling me: "When I tell you it's over, then it IS over". Do you remember these things that stick in your head like chewing gum? That's one of those sentences that does.

Ever since then I questioned myself: "What the hell did I do so utterly wrong that she cheated on me." I thought our relation ship, excepting a few different views, went quite well up to that point. Or rather: We could do a lot together, we went to New York, travelleled to other cities, I was able to wait for you everytime when you were away for your projects, I visited you and saw you performing, you were integrated into our family life and helped with so much stuff, I was talking to you when I thought there was a problem between us, I comforted you when I couldn't be close tou you in a way that you expected me to be. We had very unique experiences and we still have. I didn't understand how someone can throw that away so easily. It always rushed through my head, again and again, was torturing me, these thoughts. I couldn't make it out.

And then there were just your remaining feelings of owing me something. But the only thing you owed me was love, nothing else. I didn't need your excuses about that you are one who failed at me and this by the way didn't compensate anything. There was just you. I even prayed to god and asked him to take away my despair.

But it keeps going:

After you split up there were so nasty things that I never ever would have expected from you. I just mention some things like "insurance shit", "don't manipulate me", "I've been through this before and it took me weeks to get over this"("weeks"... just think about weeks and think about me who needs months or even longer for that). These things burn in me when I think about it.

You did the best to make me suffering. You had me in your control. You were to weak to change something in your life continuing with you initial wish to make a relation ship work out because that's what you always used to tell me. You wanted it so badly but you gave up on me ("I won't give up so quickly" is what you also told me. You created so much hope in me)

It keeps going:

That Friday. I really liked it. It was like a dream. To have you back for a couple of hours before you would return into your old escape mode. I knew before that this would not last for long. So I really hadn't had any expectations. But you know in this moment when we kissed and hugged. I thought maybe it's not too late yet. People don't do these things. When they are in a relation ship like you are, then you don't kiss me or hug me or even tell me that your current guy is on social grants and that you still don't really know about him. Why do you deny now that you behaved you like this? You did and told me a lot of things that you denied afterwards. I think that's a pity for yourself. You are hardly honest with yourself aren't you? Three days after this it was suddenly "pretty serious". Omg, this made me laugh a lot, sorry. But don't you see how crazy that is? Or do you just lie to me? Maybe you don't even have a boyfriend.. What so ever...

There's one good thing about this Friday. I found out that you simply must be confused, not sure, immature, not genuine, like a little girl that sometimes wears a mature mask. So I found another reason that explained why you left me. So I knew that I was not the reason but your immaturity and uncertainty.

But still the question for me: How many girls like you are there in our world? Will I again get betrayed? Can I trust someone else now? How long will it take me to go into a new relation ship?

I think I'm such a genuine person (probably too genuine). I want to have a woman for my life and not for a period of time. I don't need to fling around and change partners often. I want to work on something. However, I still believe that distance is necassary and I think if you wouldn't have gone too far there would have been a perfect situation to create a wondefully persisting relation ship. A relation ship that endures forever. For I am not looking for someone who can have me for only a couple of years. I want one parnter, now, until I die. Heavy, isn't it? Too heavy for you, I guess. Well, I'm sure it is.

My whole explanation descibes it very well even though I think there would be much more I could say. More of this pain. Also more about my family's pain as I am not the only one who was left shocked and in a vast disappointement.

I'm so sorry for all my advances towards you. I'm sorry that I always tried and tried and tried. I'm sorry for my friendship offer. You can't imagine how sorry I am for this. Also for myself.

There's just the choice between having me entirely or losing me entirely. And I know what your answer is.

So wish me good luck to find someone who can stand by me and hopefully I will trust that person.

I really hope this time it works out for you. Show that you are someone who can manage a relation ship. It's a precious, not something you throw away.

[Jason960]

Thanks for your post

[lagun4]

Often I don't know what to do anymore. My memories keep chasing me and make me still angry after 3 months (We were together for 8 months).

Sometimes I wish I could payback what she did to me. And I could take revenge so easily but it could destroy her whole life. I ask myself: Why am I so into it? Sometimes I feel cursed. Every day I waste so much time thinking about that promiscuous girl. I don't get out of this vicious circle. I motivated her to start a working project that she initially didn't want to do but she managed to cheat on me in this time. That is so mean.

I need advice...

lagun4

[searock]

I hope you didn't send that letter/e-mail, it's totally pointless and makes you look like a pathetic, spiteful loser.

[lagun4]

no of course I didn't. it's a surrogate, as it says....

[searock]

Ok, good... anyway I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now. All I can say is that it clearly wasn't meant to be, and you just need to move on and focus on yourself and your happiness. Find new hobbies, go out with friends, organize your time so as to avoid "empty" time to spend pining over that girl. Go to the gym or jogging or on bike excursions so that it will be easier for you to fall asleep at night. You will feel better soon :-).