Why did he leave?

[seren]

I'll keep this brief [Hi all, btw.. I'm new here]

What drives a man to leave his wife and 1yr old son? A little background: We were together for 16yrs, married for 3. We tried for 7 heartbreaking years to have a child.. we had IVF in the end [against my beliefs/ethics, but ultimately I did it for him] I spent 2 yrs going through treatments before IVF [after we got married] and it all ended in a miracle and we had a beautiful baby boy My husband was absolutely overjoyed and besotted. He told me he was so happy. I admit I was hard work to live with through all the hormone treatments - then IVF - and after our son was born he was ill for the first 5 months and didn't know what the word 'sleep' meant until he got to about 11 months. It all almost killed me [I did 90% of the night shifts as my husband is self employed and was under a lot of pressure with work/long hours etc] I ended up with post natal depression. I was a mess and too embarrassed to tell anyone. He knew I cried a lot during the day and had lost interest in sex for 'a reason', but we never 'talked' properly about my issues or his with work. Anyway, he literally left out of the blue last September with a bag containing only socks and pants - ALL of his stuff [and there is 16yrs worth] is still here at the house where my son and I have stayed [I was made redundant 2 weeks after he left.. he pays he mortgage here, so I have no choice but to stay here until I find a new job] Even his office is still complete.. he's taken nothing.

He lived with his parents for about 6 weeks, then he says he was staying in work in his workshop and/or sleeping at his mates house on weekends. He then met someone [he says in the December, his mother thinks much sooner] and practically moved straight in - she lives to freakin streets away. It hurts like hell. It all hurts like hell. He's been sleeping with me on and off [30+ times now] since about November last year. He still would if I let him, but I put a stop to it. He was always a very moral man.. completely loyal [so how he's cheating on her with me I just don't know??].. very loving.. protective.. funny.. energetic.. passionate.. desperate for a family.. he was just the dog's b******* and I loved him more than life itself. He says I never showed him.. and that he felt pushed out, unloved and unwanted since we got married. Currently he's gained 2 stone, grown his hair half way down his back and he's permanently angry, pale and drawn. [Isn't she supposed to be maiking him happy?]

I just spent 10 months trying to convince him he got SO much wrong about how I felt, but he either can't believe me or he doesn't want to.

What I want to know from a man's perspective is:
What made him really leave?
Why doesn't he believe he got it wrong?
How could he move on so quickly? [He told me he didn't 'want' to leave and it 'broke his heart' to do so]

[Chris258]

Hey seren, I can't begin to imagine how you feel/felt about it all.

I'll get straight to the point, honestly I haven't a clue why he left, only reason I can think of is because of the stress & he had enough of it all.

Most men will never admit they're wrong, I know a few guys who have ruined their entire relationship just because they wouldn't accept they were wrong.

Him moving on so quickly can suggest a number of things, if hes able to just move straight onto another girl you deserve someone so much better, it his loss. Its easier said than done but if you don't want him back move on & focus on getting a job, & looking after your son.

I hope this helps, I'm not entirely sure what else to say, I'm only 18.

[haxan]

A lot of men up and leave when the reality of the baby and family life hits home. Single, carefree women become more attractive and life at home becomes a drag. If you look at a lot of breakups, it's after the baby comes (even though it's what he pushed you for).

Reality isn't always the fantasy. Probably the case here. He may come back to his senses, settle down and come back. Maybe not. Only time will tell.

[seren]

Chris.. Thanks for your post. You're a 'wise old owl' for your years, my friend

Haxan.. thanks for your post, too. He worships his son, absolutely, and he handled him better than I did in the beginning. I'm inclined to believe it wasn't the reality -v- fantasy thing. I just can't make any sense of it. Best of all, it's taken me 10 VERY long months to accept our marriage has gone and he's moved on - and now that I have and asked him to leave me be now to get on with my own life, he's contacting me!? I just don't get it. I've finally given him what he wants.

[asdfg789]

It seems to me that the stress and responsibility of being a father got to him. the relationship with you was no longer 'fun' .
When, on the other hand, he was visiting you from 'the other side', there is the 'thrill' factor again.

There is a chance that he will come back, since he still desires you and loves his kid.
I'll let the women here tell you if you should take him back .

How old are the both of you, btw ?

[smoothmazz]

He wants you but he wants to play games to get to you hence the reverse cheating. What you need to do is tell him you are no longer down for the games, and that he needs to be all in or not in at all. The stress of work got to him I'm going to assume and he just used it as an excuse to leave instead of working on his issues with you. It isn't your fault so don't begin to blame yourself.

[Wakeup]

.

What I want to know from a man's perspective is:

I'm a woman but this is not a gender issue so I'll give it a go.

What made him really leave?

I'd say that he was having an affair with this other woman and with the stress of the baby crying all the time, you too busy to nurture him (him being your baby-boy husband) he sought the responsibility free existence with a motherless Chiquita. The short answer would be because he's an asshole!

Why doesn't he believe he got it wrong?[/B]

Because he's likely going by actions and not words. You can tell someone something until you're blue in the face and they won't believe you until your actions show them that what you're saying is the truth. Unfortunately, he bolted before giving you a chance to prove, through actions that he got it wrong.

How could he move on so quickly? [He told me he didn't 'want' to leave and it 'broke his heart' to do so]

Well, obviously he didn't move on at all or he'd not be coming back for sex. FWIW, you have done the right thing by not going to bed with him any longer. You enable him to take from you with zero responsibility when you're the other woman. He's made his bed now let him lay in it. You are entitled to half the value of the home and his business so don't let him convince you that you're trapped there because you're not. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

[jetta86s]

Sometimes you have to make the guy feel you are in control. Not all of them like girls who keeps on chasing. A strong message of saying no should do the trick.

[haxan]

Haxan.. thanks for your post, too. He worships his son, absolutely, and he handled him better than I did in the beginning. I'm inclined to believe it wasn't the reality -v- fantasy thing. I just can't make any sense of it. Best of all, it's taken me 10 VERY long months to accept our marriage has gone and he's moved on - and now that I have and asked him to leave me be now to get on with my own life, he's contacting me!? I just don't get it. I've finally given him what he wants.

I'm not sure how you're confusing loving his son, being good to him and wanting to have sex with you nsa once in awhile isn't avoiding the reality of being together as a family 24/7. It's the difference between bright sunlight and the pitch black of night.

Like I said, the minute to minute grind of it become as appealing as a mayonnaise sandwich and he left it for the first cute, carefree woman to come along.

I hope he comes around to his senses, but sometimes they never do. Women leave like this also, though much, much less frequent.

[seren]

Thanks all for your replies They all help me to find perspective.

asdfg.. we're both 36. And yes, I believe it was all due to stress. I also know though that I make way too many excuses for him/his behaviour..

smoothmazz.. he's a very intelligent man and yes indeed I think there are 'mindgames' going on. I have now taken the steps to cut all communication with him unless it's specifically related to our son. Oddly enough since doing that, I've had 3 'random' txts and an apology for a late reply [I txt him asking what time he was coming for him yesterday and he took an age to answer me] I haven't received 'random' txts or an apology for anything in 10 months!

Wakeup.. "The short answer.. he's an asshole" I spat coffee when I read that lol. I don't think he was having an affair [but then as he is still a married man, 'adultery' is precisely what he's doing. You don't step over the doorstep, take off your wedding ring and suddenly declare free and single again!?] He stayed at his parents for about 6 weeks, barely went outside the door except to work, but I think he was on some sort of 'promise' maybe. He's known her for years but they've never been close friends etc. As for being entitled to anything.. the sad thing is I don't want him to hurt or lose anymore than he already has - he's left his whole life here. Literally. He took socks and pants the day heleft.. everything he owns is still here, even his office is untouched apart from a few papers he takes now and again. I don't get it??

Jetta.. he loves strong women - and I am not one. Least, I wasn't. I'm a lot stronger now in many respects, but I am still weak to him and we both know it. I have started to make changes though. I will not let him blame me for all the wrongs and I will not sleep with him anymore. He collected our son to take him to creche this morning.. He's going away on a job this afternoon then. Normally I would have been helping him pack his tools, making him a packed lunch, cuddling him and kissing him all morning telling him how much I will miss him. This morning, when he came in [our son was like a loon running around, took a while to settle him to get his coat on to go] I ignored him apart from some civil chat about our son and when he went I said 'safe journey' and shut the door. That was it. He didn't look very impressed I must say.