Monogamy/ Relationship issue for Young male

[multisylla]

Sorry for the OP being so long, but I really want to get to the bottom of my issue.


I am a 25 year old from London, and have been seeing my partner for just over 7 years...since she was 16

The first few years of our relationship wasn't really what I would consider serious, we weren't in a relationship per se, but we could see each other a few times a month, go on dates etc....this was mainly due to us just being really young, finding our way through life. Through the last 2-3 years however our relationship and love for each other has gradually become more serious and stronger, culminating in us moving in together 2 weeks ago.

Pretty much every aspect of our relationship is as perfect as you could imagine it to be, however throughout the tenure of our relationship I have had a problem with flirting with other women, both online and in real life. I regularly make comments to women I pass by on the street/in nightclubs/ on facebook etc and on a few rare occasions it has led to something more serious.

I know some of you are thinking it already, but it really isn't as simple an issue to me as '' if you really loved her, then you would just stop''

I love my girlfriend dearly, and I feel that I could have well have an addiction. Obviously every men likes to look/talk to attractive women, but for me it seems to be more of a thing of craving the attention/like of women/making them smile as opposed to a ''cor look at the tits on that'' sort of mentality.

I have seen a number of relationship psychologists over the past two years, and they've all pretty much taking the angle that my attitude towards women is due to the fact that I didn't really spend much time with my mother when I was growing up, and that I'm trying to make up for what I didn't have in my youth...up until my early twenties I didn't really have any success with women/felt comfortable approaching them etc.

It's getting to a pivotal stage in our relationship as my partner has been waiting for me to get better for a number of years now, and obviously it's not fair on her to be wasting her life waiting for me. In addition since we have moved in and left her parents she hasn't really been able to save any money, so also from a financial perspective a lot of her life is in my hands.

Does anyone have any advice for me? anybody been in a similar position to either myself or her? Anybody who has similar problems with women like I do?

Thanks for taking the time to listen

[smackie9]

You flirting and carrying on like that is that you have commitment issues and always have. Since you have moved in together you are feeling that you are going to "miss the boat" and wonder "what if?" This is very common with guys because they desire variety. It's one of the reasons guys like porn. I see that the therapy really never helped they just told you why, but not how to deal with it. This attention you are craving is a symptom but not the problem. The number one fear that men have when it comes to a relationship or marriage is boredom. Even tho you have love, you are lacking substance in yourself and your relationship. Relationships are complex and need a lot of elements like compatibility in order to survive. Your behavior proves you are bored and you are filling this void with getting attention from other women so you can get a thrill, a boosts, but after each time it wears off quickly so you have to repeat this behavior.

What to do? Start with your own life. You need to introduce new interests (hobbies) that can involve her as well if possible, take yourself out of your comfort zone and find things that will challenge you. It can be anything from taking up scuba diving to bungee jumping. You don't need to set the bar high at first, but set up some goals for yourself. You need to fill this void with things that are more productive, and if you enjoy these challenges with her by your side you will feel more connected with her. Try that and see if it helps. If it doesn't then you do owe her, her freedom because you are then selfishly wasting her time.

[Kit]

It sounds like you get your self-esteem from attention, especially from women. So you feel a need to flirt to validate yourself.

See if you can find another way to get attention/validation that doesn't bother the girlfriend. Or talk about it with her and discuss exactly how far she's okay with you going with others. Just flirting, online flirting, touching, sex, etc. Who knows what she may be okay with. Also, it goes both ways, are you okay with her doing the same things? Go look up Polyamory. Go look up Swinging. Do a ton of research. Some people are okay with their partner doing whatever with someone else as long as there's no emotions attached to it.

Or, try to keep it in your pants and flirt with and get attention from your girlfriend. But no matter what, be honest with her. If you feel the need to cheat, please tell her before you do. Don't expose her to STDs.

Good luck.