No Sexual Attraction

[Sovereign88]

Gosh, this is very difficult and painful to talk about. My boyfriend (technically fiancée) and I have been dating for 17 months now. He has all the qualities of a true soul mate and genuinely good man. He is: faithful, patient and tolerant when it comes to waiting for sex, has good credit, is giving and unselfish, church-going, romantic, affectionate, and he even shares my same socio-political beliefs; plus he is 28-years-old with no children yet he acts as a father figure to his nieces and nephews. He is dependable, willing to progress, prompt, creative, talented, a homebody, and a man of his word. What more could a woman ask for, right? Wrong!

15 of the 17 months we’ve dated has been long distance. After becoming engaged I relocated to his city and we now live together. Sadly, despite all the ways in which we click, the sexual attraction is non-existent for me. I’m beginning to think I made a mistake by dating someone without having ever met them in person. We have postponed the wedding via my request because I am not so sure I can live with having a romantic relationship without sexual attraction.

I love him SO VERY MUCH and he is deeply in love with me. I know that the bible says “Love conquers all” but I am not sure that my emotional attachment and love can conquer this problem. I would NEVER be unfaithful to him, nor do I have anyone else in mind. Although he is an attractive man (women hit on him and ask him out a lot), I was misled about his physical fitness. He is 100 pounds heavier than I envisioned and his breath stinks 95% of the time and he has tartar build-up on the bottom row of his teeth that further dispels my physical attraction. I have never made out with him and I have no desire to.

To make matters worse, the couple of times that we have done intimate/sexual things I was left sexually unfulfilled

He has been working out and steadily losing weight and he made an appointment to the dentist, yet I still don’t “feel it.” He would do ANYTHING for me and logically, it doesn’t make sense to give up a man with such a genuine love for me, great qualities, and awesome potential.
Lord, I feel so terrible about it because hurting him would KILL ME INSIDE because I love him so much. Should I suck it up and just settle for what I have and ignore the lack of sexual attraction and awkwardness?

[Cerby]

Don't settle, you're young enough that you can have what you want out of a relationship. Sex is a huge thing, and if you're not feeling it, then that is a reason to move on. You will hurt him, but it is the right thing to do.

[Sovereign88]

Don't settle, you're young enough that you can have what you want out of a relationship. Sex is a huge thing, and if you're not feeling it, then that is a reason to move on. You will hurt him, but it is the right thing to do.

Thank you very much.

[rappelz]

Sex is a huge thing, and if you're not feeling it, then that is a reason to move on.

[searock]

I’m beginning to think I made a mistake by dating someone without having ever met them in person.

Sorry, I couldn't help but chuckle. How can you even *date* someone without having ever met them in person?!

We have postponed the wedding via my request because I am not so sure I can live with having a romantic relationship without sexual attraction.

You've only known this man (in person I mean!) for three months and you are already considering marriage?! In any case, nobody can be happy and fulfilled in a "romantic" relationship that has no sexual attraction. Sex is a huge part of romantic relationships. Don't postpone the wedding, cancel it entirely. He'll survive!

I have never made out with him and I have no desire to.

To make matters worse, the couple of times that we have done intimate/sexual things I was left sexually unfulfilled

Wow - you've done "sexual things" without even ever french kissing. That's strange. Anyway, these are gigantic red flags, OP.

Should I suck it up and just settle for what I have and ignore the lack of sexual attraction and awkwardness?

No, you would hurt the both of you if you did that. You would obviously be miserable and unsatisfied, and he deserves someone who loves him and appreciates him under *every* aspect. I don't think you can really be in love with someone unless you are attracted to them... you can love them very much and have an incredible emotional connection, sure, but to be in love you also need the sexual component.

[haxan]

You have to learn from your mistakes (getting so close to someone without meeting them in person). It seems like you're religious based, so better to be honest and upfront with him than try to force something that is not there. Not sure who these women are that are hitting on him all the time, but it seems like he'll get over it and eventually find a more suitable match.

[cheekxs]

i think you r rude toward the men! and fake! you dont know what love is! you barely know him, u cant talk about love so early! i think its weird how you find your mate and already engage and all! you r to desparate to start a family! he is not for you! no one ever talks like this about someone they even like, and you say love and talk like this about him? wow give him hate then!

[Boisdevie]

I have to disagree with all the other comments on here. They are from shallow people and are, I suspect, not religious. I think you should make an effort to keep this man. Love will conquer all. Bless you.

[searock]

I have to disagree with all the other comments on here. They are from shallow people and are, I suspect, not religious. I think you should make an effort to keep this man. Love will conquer all. Bless you.

Lulz......

[smackie9]

This is why I say LDR's are a waste of time. It's 20% reality and 80% fantasy. I have said over and over, you can't possibly know someone unless you date them in person, see how they are with you, see their social circle, how they are with their family etc. Sure everything can look good on paper, but if there is no attraction, then there is no desire to be with them period. It's time to be honest with him, and depart.

[smackie9]

To add if you truly loved him, then his physical appearance would be over looked.....So I doubt very highly you know what love is. I feel you are a lonely desperate person thinking that finding a man to marry you is your answer to finding happiness.

Better step back and take a good overall look at your motives here.

[smackie9]

[cheekxs]

Sounds like you are looking for a great provider and you found him but you are not happy about some of the things he is.

i think you normal date for your needs (like someone who can support you financially etc. and not for what its about.

and you act like you order a men and are not happy with it.like you have to be with him

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I think you should suck it up and settle. You deserve it, and you sound boring as hell, so you two should be perfect.

[Sovereign88]

Honey, what on earth are you talking about?? I came on this site for GENUINE HELP, not to be insulted and regardless of if you think I am "fake" "desparate" or whatever other negative attributes you have given me without knowing me is irrelevant...If you can not give USEFUL advice then you have no business commenting. I'm assuming that you lack the courage to insult people in person so you save it for innocent people online...I am sure you don't like it when people insult and judge you (WITHOUT KNOWING YOUR CHARACTER) for dating interracially (Black men) so treat me as you would like to be treated, my dear. I hate to have to lecture you as if you are a small child but that is PRECISELY how you are behaving so GOOD RIDDANCE.