Was the sexual attraction ever there? Not physically attracted to my girlfriend

[Meskazc]

Hello all thank you for taking the time to read my post, as I am having quite a difficult time figuring out what to do.

I wanted to first say that I am a girl in a relationship with another girl of whom I do not have a sexual attraction to. After meeting through our friends we quickly became exclusive, and have had a pretty fight-free relationship for the past year. We hardly ever fight, and she's very easy to get a long with. I do tend to get mad at her a lot for little things though.

The issue(s): I used to just pretend that I liked sex, because I thought that I would never like it anyway (I struggled with thinking that I was asexual for awhile). Now I just feel like it's such a chore, and I never want to do it. We haven't had sex in forever (sorry if this is a bit graphic, I am uncomfortable even talking about it) I know that I love her, although I don't think that I am "in love" with her, as she says she is. Another thing is that she tells me all the time that I'm "the one" and that we should some day get married and I kind of just go through the motions because I do have some feelings for her and honestly I know that I would be sad without her. I feel a bit trapped (and always have with her to some minute extent) because I know that she really loves me and would be crushed if I left her. Her family loves me, and we met through mutual friends- so our social circle overlaps.

So how do I tell her that I'm just not sexually attracted to her without crushing her? Despite the fact that it may seem like I don't have feelings for her, I do, and it would seriously make me feel like the worst human being in the world to break her heart. But recently I have met someone else who I am very attracted to physically and personality-wise too. This girl really wants me to be in a relationship with her and it's complicating things even more. I don't know what to do as I know that I have developed feelings for her because when I tell her to just drop it and that I can't be with her, I miss her so much and we always end up talking again. I do not want to break her heart either! Do you think that the relationship with my current girlfriend has run its course and that I should just try to go with this new chick?

[IncognitoSir]

Well there is no easy way out of this situation. The longer you go along with this act of your's the harder it will be for both you. Just sit her down and be honest, thats all you can do. She will be hurt, you will be hurt but you will both be better off. She deserves someone who loves her as much as she loves them and you deserve to be in love. Hope this helps.

[reeba]

I haven't given this lecture for a while. But why do people stay in relationships that they aren't happy with. And finally decide to jump ship when someone esle comes along. That is a sign you are not happy with yourself. You need to break up because you are not happy with the relationship, and then take a break from any type of dating to relearn how to be happy with yourself. You cannot lean on a new girlfriend and expect her to fill the void and make you happy with yourself again.

First you need to break up with your current girlfriend. DO NOT tell her there is someone else (it makes you look like a cheater). DO NOT tell her that you are not attracted to her (that is just plain mean). Just tell her 'I haven't been happy for awhile, little things that you use to like about you now get on my nerves, and although I still care about you I'm no longer in-love with you, I KNOW that the relationship has run its course and it is time for us to go our seperate ways'. And that is the end of the discussion, walk away. Do not let allow her to try to argue/grovel her way back into a relationship, or have her demand an explanation. There is no explanation, love follows no logic and often it is called 'blind'. It just isn't working. End of discussion.

Second take at least a 3 month break from dating. You DO NOT jump from one relationship to another. That is a formula for disaster. If the other girl really wants you, she will wait the 3 months.

[lillyrenchalle]

If you know that you're likely to leave her for another woman, then you should just be honest about it. Continuing with the relationship out of loyalty when you are attracted to another (physically and emotionally) is just hurting the both of you, and it will make it harder later on if any more problems arise.

[Meskazc]

I haven't given this lecture for a while. But why do people stay in relationships that they aren't happy with. And finally decide to jump ship when someone esle comes along. That is a sign you are not happy with yourself. You need to break up because you are not happy with the relationship, and then take a break from any type of dating to relearn how to be happy with yourself. You cannot lean on a new girlfriend and expect her to fill the void and make you happy with yourself again.

First you need to break up with your current girlfriend. DO NOT tell her there is someone else (it makes you look like a cheater). DO NOT tell her that you are not attracted to her (that is just plain mean). Just tell her 'I haven't been happy for awhile, little things that you use to like about you now get on my nerves, and although I still care about you I'm no longer in-love with you, I KNOW that the relationship has run its course and it is time for us to go our seperate ways'. And that is the end of the discussion, walk away. Do not let allow her to try to argue/grovel her way back into a relationship, or have her demand an explanation. There is no explanation, love follows no logic and often it is called 'blind'. It just isn't working. End of discussion.

Second take at least a 3 month break from dating. You DO NOT jump from one relationship to another. That is a formula for disaster. If the other girl really wants you, she will wait the 3 months.

Wow, I really connected with this response. After the holidays are over I will sit down with her and have this discussion. I do not want to be without her, but I do believe the relationship has run its course..I guess I need to grow a pair and move on. But the question is, will I? :/ sigh. Once again, thank you.

[SelflessnHumble]

Hello all thank you for taking the time to read my post, as I am having quite a difficult time figuring out what to do.

You know what you should do...You just don't want to do it.
Either way you are being horribly selfish and you are cheating your current partner out of a true relationship
where making love is the ultimate form of expressing one's love -which you don't feel for her as she does for you.

Being a liar is a horrible trait to bear in any relationship.
Take responsibility for what you've done no matter the consequence.
After all it was YOUR feelings that have led to this situation you put yourself in as well as your partner.

Family and social circles have nothing to do with the outcome.
You don't stay with someone out of pity, or because "her family really likes me, they'll be devastated."
Emotions aren't toys. You should know better.

So how do I tell her that I'm just not sexually attracted to her without crushing her? Despite the fact that it may seem like I don't have feelings for her, I do, and it would seriously make me feel like the worst human being in the world to break her heart. But recently I have met someone else who I am very attracted to physically and personality-wise too. This girl really wants me to be in a relationship with her and it's complicating things even more. I don't know what to do as I know that I have developed feelings for her because when I tell her to just drop it and that I can't be with her, I miss her so much and we always end up talking again. I do not want to break her heart either! Do you think that the relationship with my current girlfriend has run its course and that I should just try to go with this new chick?

I can see how difficult the truth is to say when you're so used to lying
but you need to consider her feelings and take the right form of action.

You need to sit her down and tell her you aren't in love with her anymore
and that you feel it is unfair (which it is) to be with her while she feels SO much for you while you
don't feel the same in return. Of course it is going to hurt, but in your case
I'm willing to bet you think it's better for you to keep telling her lies (by omission) and
avoid the truth so that you cheat, or go behind her back to "spare" her feelings when in all
actuality the fact you feel something for someone else=cheating, although it isn't physical (yet)

So lesson learned.
People's emotions aren't toys and before you begin a new relationship for once do the right
thing and STOP one relationship and end it BEFORE beginning a new one.

People do this all the time and they wonder why they are emotionally unstable.
This is why. Do the right thing

In the future when ever you have feelings, and thoughts about your partner and they aren't "good"
wonder out loud, "hmmmm, how would they feel and react to how I feel about them?"

If you do this you will do the right thing, OR out of fear and cowardliness you will continue
to lie to your partner who thinks the world of you, which is the worst thing you can do.