So I think I'll be painfully candid here because I need some help understanding a situation I've created for myself recently... The essence of it is that a few weeks ago I went to a party with one of my oldest and best friends, we took a lot of MDMA and ended up kissing, talking loads (as you do on MD,) and then going back to my house and having sex in the kitchen. We had never done anything like that before.
When I was in my mid-teens I was infatuated with this girl but was too nervous to ever try anything. I'm now 21, I've never had a girlfriend before, and I still think that she is the sexiest, smartest and funniest girl in the world (not quite with the adolescent infatuation anymore, but still very much a loving feeling towards her. I think I would take a bullet for her if I had to.) Over the last three years we both went to different universities miles away from each other, she had a couple of boyfriends, and I really found my confidence and went from being quite shy to becoming known for being very promiscuous and having quite 'experimental' sexual experiences and tastes - I'm bisexual and enjoy BDSM now and then (think whips and chains, I'm what they would call a 'switch' in kinky circles). We stayed in touch, and we're both in a very close circle of old school friends and we still hang out all the time when we're not studying in various universities across Europe. I don't think she knows the extent of my feelings towards her.
Now I thought that after this night either we would take our friendship to another level, or that it would be irreparably damaged... To my surprise neither of these things happened, we talked the next morning and it didn't even seem a little bit awkward. I think I said something like "so what do we do now?" and she said that with her working away for a few weeks and me working 11-hour days for the week after that that we probably wouldn't be able to see much of each other in the near future and that we should just "see how it goes" (I think those were the words). I didn't really give it much thought at the time, I was probably just relieved that there was no weirdness between us and I had a few other important things on my mind...
Now we're both hanging out a lot together again, pretty much every day for the last week or so, but usually with various other people from within our wider group of friends. We did have a day alone together last Friday when we went to see the Olympics in London, I can't quite remember what brought this up, but at some point she jokingly said "I'm too sexually intimidated by you" (I laughed and said "who isn't?") Anyway, I just can’t quite figure out what is going on or what she is thinking. I'm worried that she might think that I thought of sleeping with her as some sort of emotionless one-night-stand, but then I'm also worried that maybe she wanted that and is happy that I haven't let it affect our very close friendship by falling for her too much (though I think I have.) I'm also worried that she might like me back but is put off by my reputation for being some sort of sexual deviant, because frankly I would be very happy in relatively vanilla monogamy if she wanted to give it a shot with me...
I'm self-confessed useless at stuff like this I'm afraid. I have no idea what to do. I think I love this girl, I've always had a thing for her and pretty much no one else, but I value her friendship a lot and don't want to ruin it.
Sorry for the long post. I'd appreciate any input from fresh, outside eyes.